I went in for my ultrasound yesterday - I have one good follicle that measures at 12.5 mm!! Yay!!! I was sooooo relieved!! I really am just a late bloomer!! Double yay!!!!
They are keeping me on the same dosage of Bravelle, and I'll go back for another ultrasound on Wednesday (day 14). She said that follicles grow at about 1-3 mm per day, so she expects that we can do the insem on Friday - maybe Saturday, if I grow at the slower end of the range. So.... this is actually quite exciting!!!
However, Ar's work schedule is always tough for timing. He is supposed to be in Omaha on Friday, through Sunday for business. We obviously need him to work his business, so the timing is still a bit tricky! Anyhow, I mentioned this to the nurse and she said to remind her on Wednesday. She said we can trigger a bit early, if need be. She said it would be better to go a little early than miss it. Ar can head out of town a little later than planned on, if need be. But let's hope and hope that I'm actually ready for Friday - because I'd love to try to get it right.
Ar, of course, is so fantastic and supportive about all of this. He's trying to figure out an alternative and do whatever he can to adjust. He doesn't sweat it at all - and I mean that in a good way. He's very reassuring that we'll make this work. I may sound like a broken record, but he's so good to me. I appreciate him so much in all of this!!
Anyhow, speaking of timing, I got another one of those "God's timing" comments. Oh how people LOVE to tell those of us struggling with IF that everything is just in God's timing! How ridiculously easily it comes out of their mouths.... and in this particular instance, it was followed quickly by the second favorite comment, "Don't forget, there's always adoption!" Sure, there's always that old adoption thing if all else fails, right? Geez Louise!!! Adoption is a wonderful and beautiful thing!!! It absolutely is!! But don't present it to me like 1) you're the first genius to ever think of it, and 2) like it's nothing more than some sort of back up plan! Adoption is much more sacred to be treated like that!! 3) It's also not just oh so easy to do, and 4) you don't know our circumstances - don't presume to know that we haven't already looked into this. Argh!!! I know it's all under the guise of helpfulness, but it's just not helpful.
Of course, the very funny part about this is that this is a girl that I went to high school with, who I was fairly good friends with at the time, who I haven't spoken with in - oh, 20 years. I don't usually mention IF to people, but I'm really trying to just remove the stigma in my own mind, when appropriate. She'd been very open and real about her life at present, which I treated with empathy and compassion. So, as we went on catching up, I thought - "Hey, why not? None of us has a perfect life - she's been real, so I should be too." So when she asked, I mentioned that we've been trying unsuccessfully for several years, but that we're in treatment and hopefully that will work out. Pretty casual - real - but not weepy or anything. I was honest, but upbeat. Her immediate response was to say that God holds the timetable and that there's always adoption.
Thanks, good tip.
I just wonder how she would have felt if I'd have replied with "it must have been God's time," after she told me that her niece and her brother died tragically in the last couple years.... "I'm sorry for your loss, but I guess it was God's timing. You have another brother and more nieces and nephews, right?" I would NEVER say that, of course, and in no way do I think that.... but that's why it just seems so silly to me that people give IFers that response. I really do believe she was trying to be helpful, and I wasn't mad at all. It actually sort of made me laugh. It was soooooo stereotypical. I could have written the script. I wonder why people seem to forget empathy and sensitivity when it comes to IF. It's sort of a mystery to me. If the situation were any other difficulty a person faces, any other disease - the response is generally quite different. I just wish I knew a gentle, yet educational, response to give when people say that.
What do I wish they'd say or do instead of these pat answers that sound so holy, but really actually quite miss the mark, and make my struggle feel quite belittled? I guess I'd rather a simple acknowledgement of how much this must suck! Maybe a quick squeeze, or to just hear they'll be praying for us...
After all, I do not know all the answers to the big questions of God's sovereignty. Does he control every single minute detail of our lives? Does he control every second, every action, and every event in each and every one of our lives? Does he personally give the go-ahead on every single birth, of every single baby - and say "no," or "not yet" on every single person who's TTC? Does he personally decide on each and every sickness, death - or wellness? Every job loss? Every outcome of an NFL football game? Where does free will come into all of this? Where does the fact come in that, with sin, came sickness and death - and the mucky, ugly consequences of living in a fallen world? Where do we fit into this mix? These are questions that I don't pretend to know all the answers to. Sure, I do have my inclinations about the answers, but I'm honest enough to not pretend. I'm certainly not going to pretend I know the answers when a friend is hurting; that's the time to just love, I think. Well, just some rambling thoughts I had about that. Don't get me wrong, I believe in God and I believe in miracles. Big time!! I just don't believe in pat answers that only serve to make yourself feel helpful, but make the other person generally feel worse.
I think all this rambling actually meant I am in an ok(ish) place, because it did kind of make me laugh, and it made me philosophize/theologize rather than cry or get angry.
Now here is what I do know: God loves me! Infertility doesn't change this. He proved this by sending his son to pay the price for my sins, because when sin came into the world, so came the consequences of sin - including illness, death, and a veil over our eyes... But in his love and grace, he acted to reconcile us to him, through his son. I also know that with God all things are possible, and that he still works miracles!!! Infertility (an, ehem, illness) doesn't change any of these truths. I don't need to completely understand his sovereignty to simply trust in his goodness, and move forward in faith knowing his grace IS sufficient for me.
Whatever may come in this life, his grace is sufficient for me.
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)
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