Bubbles galore

I just realized it's been almost two weeks since I posted. Mostly because things have been a whirlwind of activities. This has been a busy season - lots of weddings and birthdays and fun. Oh, and then there was the big work fundraiser, and lots of busy-ness at work, in general.

Tomorrow Ar and I are heading out of town for a romantic little overnight. We want to take a river boat down the Mississippi, except that it might be too cold and rainy. Then we'll stay overnight - we got a jacuzzi room.

We haven't gone in a jacuzzi in ages and ages -- wouldn't want to damage his spermies, after all. We used to do that all the time, though - just relax and enjoy each other in a different setting. Pour in the bubbles.... Love it!!! But we haven't done it in ages. It's just one more thing that we set aside to try to have a little one. I don't know - we're going to do it. I mean, we've not done it all this time and it hasn't made a difference... If we don't do it one more time, and we still don't get pregnant, then we'll just have lost another time.

I was very "in your face, IF!!!!" (shaking my fist) at first, when we decided to do this. I didn't care anymore - we were getting back to that which we always loved! But then I realized I should be ovulating this weekend, then I started to waver a bit. I wondered to Ar if killing his spermies in the hot tub is such a good idea, after all.... He says he thinks that it'll just excite them! Ha! He does crack me up!!!!

Well, we're going - and I'm really looking forward to it!!!

But, as usual, something came up out of the blue today and zapped me again. Stupid IF!!!!

For one thing, I was in a new Target today and I kept getting lost looking for what I needed... It felt like all roads led to the baby section and I'd just end up back there, staring at baby everything and at the happy pregnant ladies, and I had to try to not cry.

Then I came home and checked Fertile Facebook just in time for more pregnancy announcements, complete with the mandatory ultrasound pictures... Sometimes I just stare at those darn pictures and... just cry. It's so hard!!! And how can any of them know how hard it is? It's not their fault, it just is - and it hurts like crazy. I wish it didn't.

But, good for them - really!! These are my friends and I'm so very glad they don't have IF!!!! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, let alone people I care about.

I just wish I didn't have it, and I wish you didn't!!! And I wish it didn't hurt so much to see things like u/s pics etc.

And I'm sorry because I'm just plain ole feeling really down right now, it seems. I didn't this morning, but X always equals infertility. Hopefully I won't be so down tomorrow morning, because I've really been looking so forward to our little get-away. No, I will feel better tomorrow!! I will not let IF take my get away from me. I get all too few weekends with my Ar to let IF take this one from me! Do you hear me, IF? You are a dirty, rotten, scoundrel and you will not take my get-away from me, too!!!!!!

Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast. From birth I was cast on you; from my mother’s womb you have been my God. Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help. (Psalm 22:9)

There are friends, and then there are friends...

We all know that Facebook is a mixed bag, to be certain! It's reunited me with many - dear - old friends, who I'd only accidentally lost touch with, as life led us different directions. That has been truly wonderful!! Of course it also brings back some of those people I didn't mind leaving behind... It's also brought some new friends into my life, surprisingly! But one thing that isn't a surprise, to any IFer who uses Facebook, is what torture a mere login can bring... It's a veritable landmine of either fertile joy, or constant complaints about the thing that we want with all our hearts. In either case, it can be extremely tough.

For most IFers, Facebook is a constant challenge in the battle between happiness for people we love, and the feelings of jealousy we try to fight as we watch people live our dream. We love them, we care about them, we're happy for them - we would never, ever, wish them this IF nightmare... Of course not! That doesn't make it any easier, though.

Then the ones who constantly complain about pregnancy - the horrid clothes, that they can't drink, how sick they are of being fat... or who constantly complain about their kids - how awful they behave, how messy it is, how they have to get up every night, how they can't wait for summer to end so the kids will be out of the house... Well, all I can say about all of that is UGH!!! Of course pregnancy and parenting isn't a bed of roses - of course it's tough. Everyone needs to vent and complain sometimes, but I'm talking about those folks for whom sometimes is all the time. Do they have any idea what they have?

Of course, the best tool of an IFer on Facebook is the good old "hide" button! I probably would have deactivated my account if it weren't for that. Anyone who complains constantly (about anything, really, but especially their kids or pregnancy) gets hidden. As do people who I'm not close to, who post all their baby bump pics and ultrasounds and constant updates about their nursery and such. If I'm not close to them, I just wish them well and send my congrats, then hide them. People I'm close to, I keep open - but they're not generally the kind of people would would be constantly annoying to me, anyhow.

Well, so, this last week was interesting because there was the crazy so-called breast cancer awareness fad. Have you seen this? Apparently people are supposed to post the number of weeks they are - based somehow on their birthday - and what they're craving. It's this big - oh so HILARIOUS - thing that is supposedly to bring awareness to breast cancer, even though breast cancer isn't ever mentioned in it and you're not supposed to tell the boys! Ohh, what a fabulous campaign. I bet this really helps breast cancer, a ton! Oh brother!!!

So basically, your newsfeed could be chock-full of what seem like pregnancy announcements, which can obviously be quite painful! Even if you do know what it's about, it's insulting, hurtful, and useless. This isn't going to raise awareness, all it does, in my opinion, is hurt others including breast cancer patients and survivors, who may well have to face infertility themselves, as a result of treatment.

Of course, this has been outrageous to many - and many IFers are striking back with well thought out responses.

As for me, I haven't seen it in my newsfeed even once. What's with that? I have just short of 300 friends on Facebook - and not one of them posted it? That's bizarre!! It's still a puzzle to me, because some of my IF friend's newsfeed were littered with it. I never got the message about the game, and I never saw it in my newsfeed. Maybe it's because I've been a bit looser lately, with letting people know about my IF. This has been mostly a passive thing, but still, anyone who pays attention at all, would have to know. Or maybe my friends are just that awesome!!! I know for certain my close friends are, but I'm still surprised by the numerous others who could have posted it, but didn't. Or, if they did, they blocked me from that one post...

I decided to go look on the walls of my hidden friends - and sure enough, I found it posted on several of their pages. That was pretty funny to me!! The people I hid previously - they're the ones who'd posted it. Pretty awesome, eh? I guess I have some discernment when it comes to such matters!!

Because I never saw it in my newsfeed, I never addressed it, myself. I didn't want to draw attention to it, if people hadn't seen. However, three of my friends did address it - completely unprovoked by me. I never had even mentioned it. One friend put up a preemptive note stating that it's ridiculous and hurtful to many. Another sent me an email warning me about it. A third friend then posted a blog response she'd read from someone in the breast cancer community. I was amazed. Now, I already knew that these are some exceptionally good friends, but still, it was impressive.

Ironically, what could have been just another nightmare Facebook episode was a real blessing! I tell ya -it's a mixed bag out there! Just like life, I suppose! And on Facebook, as in life, I'm glad I've surrounded myself with really good people! What a blessing!

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.” (C.S. Lewis)