Breathe

I'm having some anxiety issues something fierce today. Oh gosh. Trying to just breathe, but all I want to do is cry, sleep, throw-up, and hide. What the hey?

Maybe it's the trip coming up. I get anxious about travel, but this is worse than usual, and I'm anxious because of how much fatter I've gotten. The folks out there will say that to my face. I don't think they mean it the same way as someone here would, if they did that, but it's still hard. There will be more babies this time around. I don't want to disappoint my darling Ar, not that I ever seem to, so I know that's coming from me - not him.

Or maybe it was that horribly horrid dream I tried to write about yesterday, which got deleted.

Maybe it's that work is very difficult lately. And I'm doing my best to keep it all together, but it's so hard.

Maybe it's that everyone seems to be with child again lately. I'm so happy for people, but still just so very sad for us.

Maybe it's that statue I posted last night... stuck. Made captive.

Or maybe it's just me, completely losing my mind.

In any case, here I am once again, feeling like one step forward, two steps back...

Skin of my teeth

Date night...

Heavy, heavy sigh. I had just finished an entire post about skin, being stuck, and freedom - and this horribly horrid dream I had yesterday. I was reviewing the post before publishing it - and then POOF - it was gone. I didn't worry because I knew it had saved as a draft, but somehow, instead, my entire text was replaced by a single letter: s. There was no bringing it back.

Ugh. This is actually quite frustrating. It was important to me to write what I had written. Several themes had weirdly come together. Plus, the dream is still haunting me. The perfectionist in me wants to rewrite it all, but the realist in me knows it won't be quite the same - and that it's 1 am and I have to work tomorrow. I guess, at this point, I should just put the photos back in.

Started at the park.

Freedom

Then wandered on to the capitol building grounds...

        

With a view of the cathedral.

And then stumbling onto this, still on the capitol grounds, which really resonated with me.

Week 17 of Photo 52: Skin

"Earthbound: Made captive, yet deserving freedom more."
(Milton, Paradise Regained) 

(Sculptor:John Karl Daniels)

The reason this statue resonated so much with me was because of how stuck he is....  Frankly, I don't know if I deserve freedom more, but I sure do long for it.

Oh no, it's raining again

Into each life some rain must fall. As well as some snow, sleet, and hail... If you live in the upper mid-west all of that will probably happen within the course of an hour. In any case, though it currently looks like January outside, it is April. April is the time for April showers, which theoretically bring May flowers. Granted, this year the May flowers are likely not coming until July, but I'm trying to remain hopeful.

So, since April showers was this last week's photo theme, I thought about writing about it as a comparison to IF. It is National Infertility Awareness week, after all, but almost every post on my blog is about infertility awareness, I guess. How more aware can we be?  Besides, comparing IF to an April shower is the understatement of the decade. It's more like a monsoon.

Plus, I'm so sick of infertility. I'm sick of thinking about it and talking about it. Yet, the impact of it is always - always, always - with me. It would be unreasonable for me to not ever think or talk about something that has become such a game-changer, even though I am focusing on how to move forward. Infertility is a part of me now, whether I like it or not (in case it's not obvious, I don't). I'll be grappling with how to reconcile the impact and grief of it for a long time.

All while secretly (shhh!!) still hoping (against all hope) that the May flower of my choice might just start blooming.

Week 16 of Photo 52: April Showers

And all while trying (there is no try, do!) to remain open to other lovely May flowers that may arise. 

And even if May doesn't come around until July or October...

Spring will

Today was a day, of that none can dispute. Setting aside more national tragedies, which I didn't hear about until later because we were offline most of the day, it was a fun day and a hard day. I got to hang out with Ar, so that is always wonderful. I do love my every other Monday off!!

On the bummer side, I knew that the monthly reminder of my constant reproductive failure was coming soon, thanks to the heralding pimple. I was really hoping it would wait a bit, so that I wouldn't have to deal with it in Honduras. After all, it was almost two weeks early last month. Well, anyhow, it showed up today, a couple days earlier than I'd have thought. So that makes today CD 1, which makes me likely to have to deal with it in Honduras.

I know that some people think it strange that it's so hard for me. After all, every woman has to deal with such matters, and no one likes it. What's the big deal, right? It used to only be an uncomfortable nuisance for me. Now it's that and a whole lot more. No matter how much I know I'm not pregnant, no matter how bitter and jaded I often sound (or try to be), I still always secretly hope and dream, I can't help it. Though I'm less surprised nowadays, and more trying to accept, I'm still accidentally waiting for that miracle.

Constant failure.

Still, overall, I'm handling it pretty well today - and hopefully I will in Honduras. Well, that is as long as you consider bursting into tears in a Walmart aisle handling it well...  believe it or not, I do still consider that to be well handled. I have low standards, you see. Besides, I didn't have to ditch the cart and run out of the store sobbing like a maniac. I was able to proceed with the rest of our shopping. Ar was with me, so that helped a lot. 

So...  do you want to see what had the power to bring me down in a Walmart aisle?

C'mon, I know you do!!

So without any further ado.....   Garanimals! 

Aren't they adorable?  

We were there shopping for Honduras supplies, including some little gifts for some of the folks out there. One of our primas (cousins) was particularly kind and helpful when we were there last, so I wanted to get a couple extra little gifts for her and her new(ish) little one. Shopping for little ones is always really hard for me - and most IFers. Shopping for little ones during CD 1 is really, really, really hard. Really! 

It's especially so when there are a couple adorable little ones in the aisle with us. Sigh, and I had to ask their mom for sizing advice, since I have no idea what size shoe a 16 month old wears. I wish I did. 

Soooooo many cute things. Little, tiny shoes...  Oh can anyone resist such cuteness?  

I wish I had a kid to buy cute little sandals for...

Cue the tears.

I know it's silly. I'm weak and silly. 

However, I accomplished the task without humiliating myself (mom and the little ones had moved on already). There have been times in the past I wasn't able to do so. So I'll add it to the win column. I take what I can get.

On the bright side, it helped me to just decide on these particular tiny shoes, which were just too cute, rather than pondering for very long, which I have a habit of doing. Plus, Ar was there to help me not totally break down. 

On the brighter side, I also got myself a pair of fun little flops. I got this same pair for our prima, as well as a pretty top and some blingy sandals. 

And we got a whole lot of other necessities, so I think we're pretty well prepared for Honduras. C'mon sandflies - I double dog dare you to come after my DEET covered ankles this time!

What I have not gotten yet is Mother's Day cards. I tried to yesterday, but I just couldn't hack it. I swooped by them again today, but after the Garanimals incident, I decided to not go down that aisle. Pathetic, I know.

But I haven't totally lost it, like I have in the past, over these things... so that's positive, isn't it? Maybe avoidance isn't always all bad. No matter what, I will call my mom, of course, I just may not be able to actually get her a card. But I will try again.

After all, I do believe in Spring. The little signs of it - a bird here, a bud there - add up to be enough, even if snow comes the next day, to believe that Spring really is still on its way.  It will spring, sooner or later.

Self portraits

So, I was wanting for new and I got something new: all my hair is gone. Well, not all of it, but definitely most of it.

"'Your hair! Your beautiful hair!' 'Oh, Jo, how could you? Your one beauty.'" 

(Little Women)

It's the shortest my hair has ever been - at least since this beauty of a do.

Please, please try not to be jealous of what a fine looking 6th grader I was: jealousy does not become you. After all, some of us just have it, what can I say?

My new haircut, which looks just a bit better than the 6th grade me, seems to be working for me. It's strange though, I keep thinking it's off my face because it's up in one of my bird's nest hair-dos, but no... it's just that short. There's no hair on my neck, at all. It'll be great for Honduras.

So, what else is new? Well, I've been having the strangest dreams the last few nights. One night I dreamed that I spoke my mind to every person who said something in the horribly insensitive column. It felt incredibly freeing, though I'd never say such things in real life. The next night I dreamed that we were going to get to try one round of IVF - and I knew it would work. I knew we'd get to be parents together. Oh how wonderful that felt!! The next night I dreamed that we did have a child, but someone took him away from us.

Dreams giveth and they taketh away.

Lately I've been working more on appreciating the pleasantries about the childless life: sleeping in, tromping aimlessly around taking photos without time boundaries, and reading as long as I please.

Also, the sound of screeching is difficult to take in high doses. I went to my favorite little Mexican restaurant for lunch today, after church. I forget that it's a bad idea to go there after church... I may as well have had my lunch in the McDonald's play room. There was a lot of screeching, children running around unattended, and pounding of feet into my booth.  It was rather nice to be able to walk away from that.  I wasn't even irritated though, strangely enough. I've been experiencing more feelings of contentment this last week. There have been the usual tears and grief, but overall I've felt more steady than I have in a while.

Even though I still know I'd gladly take all the tough, and give up all the great, in a heartbeat...  if only I could.

And even though the dreams about having a child taken from us and about getting to do IVF have haunted me.

But such is the way of dreams.

Well, speaking of tromping around, and since I've already posted an embarrassing 6th grade photo of myself that should probably be burned, this week's photo challenge theme was self portrait.  This looks about right.

Hmm, but methinks this one does an even better job of it.

Week 15 of Photo 52: Self portrait

Well, I'm not sure I want to show a psychologist my choice of self portrait, but it definitely suited me.  As usual, even for self portrait, I was wandering around, wondering what to do for my photo submission. By the way, that's always a good thing, in my book. I enjoy the journey of it, and I like to remain open to where my camera might lead.

Vaguely, my brain had some thought of a reflection, maybe in a neat doorway or window or something, so I tromped around searching for inspiration. I ended up at one of the large parks nearby and saw a bridge that looked pretty, but it wasn't really working for me. As I tromped back across the snow covered field to my car, going back the long way, I happened upon this little well and I could see myself in it, even before I saw myself in it.

It was a lovely find. The dead, forgotten leaves... the odd angles of sunlight.... the out-of-the way location...  With all the snow we had last week (ugh!!), somehow the bottom of this lonely, shallow well appeared to be the only place in the entire park that was not snow covered.

There was something very sad, yet hopeful, about this little well. Sound like anyone you know?

Despite some worry I might break my neck trying to get this photo, turning a shallow well into a shallow grave, I went for it.  Having no plan or experience photographing myself in a well's reflection, it took awhile to start getting something that worked.  I've no doubt I looked quite insane, in the meantime. I ended up just taking continuous shots to see what happened, and hadn't even realized that my arm had gone up in the air, as it did in this shot.

I was pretty sure I had something good - something fitting - and couldn't wait to get home to check it out on a bigger screen. Too bad I got lost getting home... In a lot of matters, I have great instincts. Directions are not one of those matters. It's very sad. Don't be surprised to find me lost trying to make it out of my own driveway, someday. Still, being so pleased with my find, and since my being lost landed me right in front of a sushi restaurant, I decided to treat myself to some Philadelphia Rolls to take home.. Mmm!! So all in all, it was a very pleasant weekend, capped off by my sweet Ar returning home tonight.

Happily, I even got ahead on my next photo(s), the theme being April showers. I'm kind of excited over the photos I got for that today, despite the soaking wet socks, and happy that I typically carry my camera with me.

Jesus said to them, “Children, do you have any fish?” They answered him, “No.” He said to them, “Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some.” So they cast it, and now they were not able to haul it in, because of the quantity of fish. That disciple whom Jesus loved therefore said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” (John 21:5-7)

Life wants

Forward: I am so feeling the need to move forward, to find adventure, to forget about my troubles...  hey, has anyone seen my ole kit bag? If I can find that, perhaps I could pack them up in there and smile, smile, smile.

Honduras will bring adventure of course, but I think I'm looking for a new life. Or probably just to start really living again. It won't be the first - or last - time I reference Shawshank here, but I know I need to get busy living, because I'm not interested in getting busy dying.
 
Don't get me wrong - I've been living. This whole nightmare, this has been living. After all, as Westley/The Man in Black says, "Life is pain, highness, anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something."  Yep, I've been living in a big way... had a big dream and I went for it. I haven't had the same resources or luxury of time as others, so I do have some regrets and unfinished feelings there, but we did what we could. I have been living. It's just not the way I want to keep living.

It's so hard to leave behind a dream, though. How does one stop dreaming that dream. How does one find new dreams?  Especially when no other dream seems as lovely.

Well, I guess it's like death... when you lose someone you love, you never stop missing them and you never stop remembering them. There are times you remember them more than others - or something just smacks you out of the blue - but most of us eventually find a way to keep going, despite that crucial and precious missing piece. Most of us eventually find a way to reconcile the grief with the rest of our life. The loss and the pain become a part of us, but no longer absorb us. We're still able to move forward.

Life wants to live fully.


The moving forward part has to happen on one's own time table, though. Oh, sure, there will always be people who want you to get over things when they think you should get over things. (This is not terribly helpful, in my opinion.)

Grief cannot be rushed.

Grief has certainly been a pervasive issue in my life, for a while now. I don't expect that it'll ever go away.

Infertility is, after all, the loss that keeps on losing.

As life goes on, I expect that the loss of infertility will grow and change. Not having kids now means I won't get grand-kids later, for example - with a million more examples of progressive loss in between.

I will learn to manage it - perhaps it will become more of a twinge of occasional melancholy - rather than this searing pain, but it will remain part of me. 

For now though, I'm rather sick of wanting something I can't have. I'm sick of limbo. I long for some change, though I don't know what it looks like. I need freshness. I need the winter of my heart to end.

Life wants to grow. 

Toward that effort, I thought I'd like to have someone objective to talk through some of this with, because as much as I want to move forward, I still feel stuck in the heartbreak. Oh my dreams and oh my losses.

So I went to see a new therapist on Friday. I liked my previous therapist. She was helpful in many respects, but she didn't really ask me enough questions. It would help me more to have the questions asked of me.

So I tried someone out upon a friend's recommendation. This therapist claimed to have experience working with infertility patients. I even quizzed her a bit about this before I met with her. Thankfully, she offers a free 30 minute consultation. During that time, I was able to assess that she will not be a good fit for me. It's too bad because in some ways I would like her.

She asked questions, so that was good. Also, she is one of the few people, who outright acknowledged my infertility as loss. Loss! I didn't have to explain the ongoing loss and grief to her. That felt amazing - I thanked her for that... I truly felt - validated - as they say in the shrinky business.

Unfortunately though, she was pretty focused, without any prompting, on what my mom and dad must have done to screw me up... and how that has led to my infertility. How if I release the stress and messiness that came from whatever difficult beliefs my parents inflicted upon me as a tike, then - only then - might I have the power of creation within me.

HUH????

Which is basically what I said to her...  HUH???

I asked her what she meant. She tried to clarify, but it sounded a little hocus pocus to me. So I said, "Are you saying that my infertility is because of an emotional problem I have from childhood, rather than a medical issue - like PCOS and lack of ovulation?" (I wanted to be sure I understood her clearly.)

She replied, "Well, I'm not a medical doctor, but yes - there is a lot of research that shows that stress and emotional issues cause infertility. So if we can clear up your cobwebs, then I think your body will be ready to create, to give life... after all, our bodies are meant for creation of life. If that's not happening, there's something holding that creation back." 

Um, yeah... it's called a medical condition. It was at this point that she leaned forward with an excited gleam in her eye and asked if I'd consider acupuncture. Sigh. By this point, I knew I'd not go back.

Do I need to say it? Infertility is a medical condition - a disease - not an emotional issue. What other diseases are so easily considered merely a result of emotional baggage, even in such professional settings?

Thing is, she never once asked me about what we've done medically, whether or not I have a diagnosis etc., or how long we've been dealing with this. These seem like primary questions to ask someone who has come to you seeking help dealing with the crisis of infertility and childlessness.

Anyhow, I reckon I don't need to get into all of this here, but if stress causes infertility, why do so many women in war-torn, famine-ridden, and cruelly oppressive environments have children? Why do so many other women in extreme stress situations have babies without a problem?  It's so silly. This is such a fallacy, stress.

Aside from her not recognizing infertility as a medical issue that then greatly impacts emotions and stress and relationships and and and.... and though I'm not a licensed therapist, I just don't think the way for me to try to move forward from the heartbreak of infertility is to delve into when I was potty trained and what not. Here's the thing, my mom and pop... well, we didn't have the most super functional family in the world, but they did alright. They did the best they could with what they had. They did far better by us than anyone ever did by them. Were there issues that still impact me? Sure! So what? Isn't that true of everyone? We deal with it. They did alright by us... We're better off in so many ways than they ever were - and isn't that a pretty good measure of parental success?

For Pete's sake, if only people with perfectly functional families could procreate, the human race would have died out long before it began!! Whatever issues I may have once had about my parentals, I don't anymore. That doesn't mean mom doesn't freak me out and drive me a little crazy sometimes... she's my mom, after all - and that's kinda just the way it is sometimes with moms. I just wish I could have my own someone(s) to freak out and drive crazy, right. It would be only fair. ☺  Well, someone other than poor, amazing Ar, that is...

So...  so much for that therapist. Harrumph!! At least the tea was good and the session was free.

My chiropractor visits are much better though, so at least I'm 1 for 2 with these early efforts for self-improvement.


Life wants for beauty.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

Fool proof

April fools.... fools rush in...  why do fools fall in love... fool me once, shame on you...  fools gold...  I'm just a fool, a fool in love... with... you...

So many fool examples. So many foolish things. Yet I had the hardest time coming up with a photo for this week's theme of fool. Some folks in the group were doing forced perspective, optical illusion type photos. They were super fun! So I thought I'd try that out, ahem  without having any idea what I was doing, of course. Fortunately, I had a dedicated partner...  poor guy!

When nothing was working out, Ar decided he should maybe try to push over a tree. Hmm, that wasn't quite working either.

I thought about just taking a picture of myself, because we probably looked pretty foolish out there trying to get a fool picture.... but it was fun. It also gave me a new appreciation for something that I'd previously thought couldn't possibly be that difficult to accomplish.

So, back to the drawing board. I just couldn't think of anything to do, so I did what I do... consulted Merriam-Webster:

Definition of FOOL
1: a person lacking in judgment or prudence
2a: a retainer formerly kept in great households to provide casual entertainment and commonly dressed in motley with cap, bells, and bauble
2b: one who is victimized or made to appear foolish : dupe
3a: a harmlessly deranged person or one lacking in common powers of understanding
3b: one with a marked propensity or fondness for something<a dancing fool> <a fool for candy>
4: a cold dessert of pureed fruit mixed with whipped cream or custard

Ahhh, good ole number four!!  I do love words, I do love desserts, and I do love trying new recipes. Also, I'd like to improve my food photography, so this was a win-win-win-win.

I'd never even heard of fool as a dessert before, but as I Googled fool recipes, many came up. They sure sounded lovely! Seems it's originally an English dessert made with gooseberries, but you can really use any crushed fruit.

I decided to use mango with blackberries and coconut - went for a Caribbean flare. So off to the grocery store I went.

I was so excited to get started on it, that our actual dinner had to wait.

I don't often pull out our beautiful crystal champagne glasses, but this seemed a good occasion. Ar was pretty wowed by the presentation - I thought it wasn't too shabby either.

Caribbean Mango Fool

It may not be traditional, but I felt I'd have to be a fool to not add chocolate shavings to the top.

It sure was hard to let this set till after dinner...

Week 14 of Photo 52: Fool

Okay, okay... did you already notice it - the pink? I know some of you will have. It's especially noticeable in this last picture, which was my official submission. Sigh. I have to try to remember that my subjects can pick up the surrounding color, even though I don't see it at the time. I will try to remember that, though pretty in our dining area, our red tablecloth can leave an unintended pink tinge. Hopefully by writing it here, it will reinforce it in my mind. I still liked this photo best of all though, so i stuck with it. After all, this is a fun and learning adventure for me.

In any case, I was pleased with the outcome. After all, I achieved a photo of fool, though not using the most common of the definitions, and I got to try a new recipe.... and, it was delicious!!  Ar said that after this, he'll be my Caribbean fool forever. He's such a cutie!! Anyhow, you should try a fool, if you haven't yet - whatever fruit you like, it'll work. Very, very tasty - and would make a lovely summer dessert.

Now I can move on to... uh-oh, self portrait.

The best laid plans...

So it seems the nearest island is only about four or so miles away...  Hmm, guess I will have to reconsider my plan to run away.

In the meantime, I'm trying to get my act together. It's hard to do, you know. But I am feeling a bit better this week. Despite my dread, our weekend to the homeland was fine. There was, as always, some weirdness (it's family, after all), but overall it was just fine. It was good to spend a weekend with Ar, and good to see my people.

Also, blue toes never hurt anything... it was nice enough for a few days to get pedicures and don my flops!!

A couple days of darling hubby, quality time with BFF, pretty toes, and flip flops are enough to cheer up even my cold, embittered heart.

Not to mention the loveliest, most refreshing, margaritas ever: lemon basil (left) for me and pineapple and serrano pepper (right) for her, accompanied by delicious fajitas.

Ahh, but prior to the weekend, it really was a weird last couple weeks. Sometimes you feel like a rabbit and the world is a hound... (guess that means it's time to stick out your tongue and make a real funny sound).

Well, in an effort to get back on track, today I went to a chiropractor. My body feels like it's been run over by three mack trucks - and that things went downhill from there...

These last years have been heck on my body, mind, and spirit.  My body aches all the time. My weight gain doesn't help, I'm sure, but it had started before the weight gain.

So I met with a chiropractor - I've never been a chiropractor person before, other than going for two visits, courtesy of a dear and generous friend. That was a good experience, but that doctor wasn't covered by insurance, and was a bit of a drive. So I decided to try someone new: (Dr.) Brian. He seemed very genuine and he listened. And he made me laugh, even though I felt like crying. I like that. I liked him.

It's hard to believe that I still start to completely break-up when I have to tell someone new about my IF.

It's still just so very hard to say. To accept.

Friday I'm checking out a new therapist, as well. We'll see. I'm more nervous about that, strangely enough, than I was putting my neck and spine in the hands of a stranger.  Hmm, I guess my neck and spine are just not nearly as fragile as my heart and mind, now are they?

Oh, but I do need to find a way to move forward. It's hard to be miserable for so long. It's hard to keep hoping. It's harder still give up hope. It's nearly impossible to believe I can't find a way to overcome this.

Dreams and hopes. Cruel mistresses, to be sure.

Anyhow, I found myself saying some unexpected things these past few days. Firstly, I said, in reference to my miserable self, that maybe it really is always darkest before the dawn. I guess that's a measure of hope, right.

Secondly, I said that I already know all the answers... the problem is that I can't get past the questions.

I think I need help getting past the questions. And I need help accepting that sometimes the answer is that there is none.

Maybe I'll get my mind, heart, and body back in whack at some point. Though I won't hold my breath. Hmm, does that mean I'll be completely wacky again?