Keep on keepin' on...

Lilypie Trying to Conceive Event tickers
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow!' (M. Radmacher)

Our story

I'm 40 something, happily married to Ar - and sadly infertile.  This blog is my best (and cheapest) form of therapy.  I started writing it because a few years into TTC, I found myself suddenly struggling with anxiety and panic attacks, and I thought it might help to write it out...  I hoped it would give me some perspective about all of this madness.  So I guess this blog is just my world as best as I can remember it.

I work full-time in a non-profit health organization. I get to help people and I really, really like that.  My roots are actually as a cook/baker, though, and I still miss that.  For many years I worked a chief cook at a Christian camp.  Camp is amazing!!  I still love to experiment in the kitchen; I love making good - real - food for the people I love.  I am blessed with so many good people to love!

As for dear Ar, he has two adult daughters from his first marriage.  He owns a small business, which takes him away on weekends a lot - I hate that part, but I'm so proud of him!!  He's always trying to reach just a little bit higher. He always hopes and always perseveres, and always loves. He is simply wonderful!!  It sometimes makes me feel guilty for wanting more because I know how blessed I am, but how can I help how much I want the pitter patter of little Ars?   

All lives have their difficulties, of course, but in my life I've generally been more happy than sad.  I always sort of thought laughter was the best medicine - until I met IF, that is. 

My infertility journey:
  • Diagnosed with PCOS in 1998
  • Met Ar at the end of 1999; first date in February 2000; got married in October 2005 - best day EVER!!!
  • Start "trying" in March 2006; no luck
  • See primary doc in February 2007, get referral to specialist
  • Start seeing OB/GYN at infertility clinic in May 2007
  • Go through standard battery of tests - everything checks out A-OK
  • Plan is for monitored Clomid for up to three months, and move on to IUI if needed
  • First round of Clomid in August 2007 was not successful 
  • Tried to get my next round of Clomid, but am told I have to see the doc first, who is on vacation 
  • October 2007, finally get appt with the doc, who tells me I weigh too much so she can't treat me 
    • I asked why she didn't tell me that back in May, when I asked her if my weight was ok, and she'd assured me that it was completely fine.  
    • She told me that she disagrees with her clinic colleagues and thinks my weight is not a problem, but that they are insistent she stop treating me
    • I went to the parking lot and sat in my car weeping.  I called Ar and very ashamedly tell him I'm too fat to get treatment anymore.  He wanted to go to the clinic and raise heck, but I convinced him not to.  It wouldn't help.  I was so ashamed.
    • I cried all the way to work.  Ar surprised me by meeting me in the parking lot.  I love him so much for that. He loves me and thinks I'm beautiful - nothing has changed there, but I felt more broken and defective than ever.
  • I don't do anything for a few months; I suppose it's fair to say I'm a bit depressed
  • Not knowing what else to do, in late 2007, Ar and I both start taking FertilAid supplements
  • In late spring of 2008, I started doing twice weekly acupuncture and drinking raw herbs (aka "sludge")
  • My cycle became normal for the first time in my life. 
  • In April 2009, I got a referral to an RE.  
  • I start seeing RE - neither he nor the clinic have any issue with my weight
  • He does all the tests over again; everything still looked really good; I start on Clomid
  • We can no longer afford the twice weekly acupuncture and herbs, along with the fertility treatments, so I painfully "break up with" my acupuncture doctor, who is wonderful! 
  • August 2009 was my first IUI; I had two more.  All unsuccessful:
    • First time, Ar's counts were great, but we got the timing a bit wrong
    • The next month, Ar's counts were pretty low, but I responded pretty well
    • The last month both Ar and I were rock stars, but it still didn't happen
  • Met with RE; I wasn't feeling ready for IVF so we agreed to start injections and more IUI
  • I started to freak out at the thought of injections; I just needed a break from the intensity.
  • So instead of starting again in January of 2010, we took a break.  A couple months turned into a year.  I still wanted it all so much, but I just couldn't go back into the craziness yet.  I felt broken.
  • My cycle continued to be ridiculously predictable and I was ovulating every month, but nothing
  • I worked on my health and weight loss, and we kept trying naturally
  • Starting in August of 2010, I began having panic attacks - often 
  • I started to stress eat - a lot, which was very unusual for me
  • Between August 2010 and the time I started this blog in March 2011, I gained 45 pounds - 45 pounds
  • Now I really was beyond weight limits - at least for IVF.  I felt sick about myself
  • In April 2011, I talked to my primary doctor about the panic and shortly after started taking meds for it.  I really resisted meds, but decided it was the right thing for me.  I also started seeing a therapist.
  • I started to feel like myself again.
  • January 2012 - 1st cycle back in the world of IUI - this time with injectibles. 
  • Still waiting 
  • July 2012 - final BFN of treatment.  We're out of money to pursue further treatment.

2 comments:

  1. Hi There...I hope you don't mind that I followed the link to your blog off of mine. I understand a lot of what you're going through (although we have a few differences as well).

    Primarily, I understand the depression that
    those dang doctors bring on. I spent my 5 year anniversary in a doctor's office being told I was too fat as well. We were supposed to go out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary after the appointment...instead I went home and cried in my bed all night. It's hard, I understand. I hope it gets better for you. Writing a blog has made it a lot better for me! Good luck in everything :)

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  2. Hello Heather! Thanks so much for stopping in!! :-) I'll pop back into your blog sometimes, too! It's good to hear other people's stories. I wish you the best of luck, as well!

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