Feelings aren't facts

Now today, for something completely different (since yesterday)... I'm feeling about 18 different kinds of despair. There's no way I could be pregnant, you know. I guess there's a little, tiny, slim-to-none kind of way, but that's it. Other than occasionally rubbing my belly, there are no signs or symptoms. Today for some reason, I just know I'm not.

Feelings aren't facts, feelings aren't facts, feelings aren't facts, feelings aren't facts, feelings aren't facts, feelings aren't.... I should make myself write that until I truly believe it, don't ya think?

It's amazing how one can be so up about this one day, and so down the next. It's too soon to even know, yet this is how I feel today - this little doubt in my brain telling me it couldn't possibly have worked.

Hey, maybe it's just because today was my first Monday at work in six weeks... I've had a lot of short weeks lately, due to my compressed work schedule (I work 9 days out of 10) and the holidays. So - yeah - maybe it's just that. Maybe I just have a case of the Mondays...

Oh - but it didn't help that today I learned that tarragon, which is in my daily tea, along with mint, is apparently not safe to use while pregnant. Great! This is the news that actually kind of began my crankiness and bad feelings today. Anyhow, the tea is mostly mint, with just a "pinch of tarragon," according the package, but still... I drank several cups of it on the weekend and today, before I learned about that. Supposedly it can induce menstruation and cause other problems with pregnancy. Super! I was avoiding my Earl Grey and green teas because of caffeine, but I guess I'm supposed to watch out for herbal teas too... do you ever feel damned if you do, and damned if you don't? Sigh. But feelings aren't facts, feelings aren't facts, feelings aren't facts!!

But I write for release, so I'm releasing (I hope) these more negative feelings today. I don't want to be overly hopeful. I don't want to assume the worst. Balance - I've said it before, I'll say it again - it's seems so crazy impossible to attain in this journey, doesn't it? But feelings aren't facts.

Oh Lord, help me cling to you alone - not my crazy, up and down, feelings.

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” (Psalm 91: 1 & 2)

The 2 week wait...

I'm officially in the 2ww now! So far, so good. The first couple days after IUI were very crampy and icky feeling, but now I'm feeling good. I've even been getting proper rest - for me, that's a minor miracle (possibly a major one.) It might be the progesterone helping that along, but it is good to get rest - even if it does come in the form of a suppository. (Yuck!) Every time I pop one in, I think, "Ohhhh, the things I do to have a little one...." But that is probably not the kind of thing I would tell our kid about, even to incite a major guilt trip, now is it?

"Do you see what time it is, junior!!?? You stayed out past curfew - do you know what I had to do to get you!!! That's right, I had to stick little capsules up my nether regions!!! Now you darn well better not do that again - and wash the dishes while you're at it, or do you want me to tell you about the shots too??????"

Yeah - probably not gonna happen.

Anyhow, I'm feeling surprisingly sane at present - oh, except for all the times I walk or drive around patting my belly, like I'm an actual pregnant woman. My belly could probably pass for pregnant looking, by the way... Sigh. I seriously do that... I'll just notice that I'm sort of rubbing it, thinking,

"Fertilize and attach, junior, fertilize and attach... yeah, that's a good boy." (Or girl.)

Wonk, wonk - all aboard!! Next stop - CRAZY TOWN!!!

I am realistically hopeful. The odds are against me. I'm old, I'm overweight - and Ar's counts were not good. The odds are definitely against me. Still, I'll hold out hope because I know that miracles still happen. I know I haven't been ruled out, but I am realistic.

I'm looking forward to my girls' weekend in the Dells too - but I have some anxiety (mild/normal anxiety, not panic) because I'll know that day if I'm pregnant or not. What if I can't handle bad news and I ruin our weekend? Ugh!!! I doubt that will happen. I'll be ok, I think... right? Yes! I will. Maybe it'll be yes and the weekend will be all the more joyous!!! Time will tell...

Speaking of... I probably need to pick up some sticks to pee on, when the time comes.

Part of me felt like I was "nesting" today... After church I got groceries, then puttered around straightening - put away all my injection stuff - baked bread, made dinner, sewed a button on something... these are normal things to do, but today it felt like nesting.

This is what worries me, patting my belly, and feeling like normal domestic jobs are somehow nesting. Also, in church today, I was smiling at how adorable the kids were, during the children's sermon, instead of feeling frantically and insanely jealous!!! Oh boy.

Well, I can't help what I feel right now, but it would do me good to remember that feelings are not facts. Normally I use that phrase when I'm feeling bad, but really, it applies to feeling good too, I suppose.

Today in church, this was one of the scripture readings:

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38 & 39)

I kept thinking, "nor infertility...."

Indeed.

IUI day

Well, the title says it all. Today was the IUI!! It went smoothly, thankfully!!! However, Ar's count was only 1.6 million, so don't know why it was so low... the minimum is 1 million. When we tested in November, he was 8.3 million (total progressive motile.) But I guess that can go up and down a bit sometimes. I just got kind of psyched out because of some online comments about IUI being a waste of time and what not. But, I also talked with wise, encouraging, friends who told me to not let it get to me, and that 1 million is the minimum and they wouldn't have done it if there was no chance. Also, there was a forum of women talking about getting BFPs from counts of 1 - 3 million. Anyhow, c'mon you 1 million mini Ar-cuties!!!!

So, I am breathing. I am praying. I am not going to be freaked out.

As I said, the procedure was smooth and easy this time. I wore my ladybug socks. Ar came in after to sit with me. Then we got some breakfast/lunch and talked... It was a nice, relaxing morning. That Ar is so wonderful. Sigh. It was a bit hard to face work afterwards, though.

So, we will see. Right now I feel pretty crummy - very crampy and bloated. So, I think it's time for bed. Hopefully this part will pass quickly. I start Prometrium tomorrow... Yikes!! Then I test on February 10. I hope, I hope, I hope!!!

In the meantime, I'm so thankful that it went smoothly - and that we got through this first cycle!! Two years ago this was the cycle I couldn't face. We faced it and we are hopeful!!! Thank you, Lord!!!!!

IUI update

I just realized that it was exactly two years ago - late January of 2010 - that I was to have done the IUI with injectibles before... had I not freaked out, then taken that loooong break. What a two years it's been!!

This morning, day 14, I went in for another u/s to see how my follicles are doing. Little Lefty was 14.5 mm and Little Righty was 16.5! The nurse thought, based on that, that we would do the IUI on the weekend. Of course, as I've fretted about earlier, we couldn't do that because of Ar's business schedule taking him out of town on the weekend. After I told her about that, she said to schedule the IUI for Friday morning, that it's better to be early than late. She also had my blood drawn to test my Estradiol and LH. So I scheduled the appointments and went back to work, where I had to sit through the world's longest meeting... UGH!!! I kept my phone close to my side, knowing I would do what I never do - 1) have my phone in a meeting and 2) leave if the clinic called.

Well, a little later, the nurse called and told me that my LH is quite elevated. She'd spoken with the doctor and they said to trigger tonight - and IUI tomorrow!!!

I'm excited! I actually am!! I was never excited about it two years ago... I was nervous and terrified and desperate. There are all of those things within me still - but overall - I'm excited!!! I can't believe I'm back here - two years later. It doesn't feel like backwards - it's all forward. I thank God for bringing me to a place where I could take these steps again. Perhaps, as the great singer and songwriter, Rich Mullins, once sang, maybe he's "led me here, to where I'm lost enough to let myself be led." No matter what happens, I will trust in the Lord!!

Anyhow, I do wish that my follicles were a little bigger, but they said if the LH is up, then the follies are ready... so I guess it's ok. One of my IF online friends said that follies grow very quickly before ovulation and that my body wouldn't be surging/peaking if my eggs weren't close to mature.

So... YAY!!!!!

Also, one of my dear IF friends just had her first IUI today!! I could barely concentrate on work at all today, what with praying for her, and then learning that I'm ready and what-not!! EEEK!!! And then I found out another lovely IF friend is also doing IUI on Saturday!!!! We're the IUI triplets - and I love it!!!! Oh I so very much hope for all three of us!!!! Especially them. I don't know why, but I do hope especially for them!!

And I do hope for you, too!!

I hope and I hope!!!

Please, Lord!!

Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay. (Psalm 40:17)

If I could save time in a bottle...

I went in for my ultrasound yesterday - I have one good follicle that measures at 12.5 mm!! Yay!!! I was sooooo relieved!! I really am just a late bloomer!! Double yay!!!!

They are keeping me on the same dosage of Bravelle, and I'll go back for another ultrasound on Wednesday (day 14). She said that follicles grow at about 1-3 mm per day, so she expects that we can do the insem on Friday - maybe Saturday, if I grow at the slower end of the range. So.... this is actually quite exciting!!!

However, Ar's work schedule is always tough for timing. He is supposed to be in Omaha on Friday, through Sunday for business. We obviously need him to work his business, so the timing is still a bit tricky! Anyhow, I mentioned this to the nurse and she said to remind her on Wednesday. She said we can trigger a bit early, if need be. She said it would be better to go a little early than miss it. Ar can head out of town a little later than planned on, if need be. But let's hope and hope that I'm actually ready for Friday - because I'd love to try to get it right.

Ar, of course, is so fantastic and supportive about all of this. He's trying to figure out an alternative and do whatever he can to adjust. He doesn't sweat it at all - and I mean that in a good way. He's very reassuring that we'll make this work. I may sound like a broken record, but he's so good to me. I appreciate him so much in all of this!!

Anyhow, speaking of timing, I got another one of those "God's timing" comments. Oh how people LOVE to tell those of us struggling with IF that everything is just in God's timing! How ridiculously easily it comes out of their mouths.... and in this particular instance, it was followed quickly by the second favorite comment, "Don't forget, there's always adoption!" Sure, there's always that old adoption thing if all else fails, right? Geez Louise!!! Adoption is a wonderful and beautiful thing!!! It absolutely is!! But don't present it to me like 1) you're the first genius to ever think of it, and 2) like it's nothing more than some sort of back up plan! Adoption is much more sacred to be treated like that!! 3) It's also not just oh so easy to do, and 4) you don't know our circumstances - don't presume to know that we haven't already looked into this. Argh!!! I know it's all under the guise of helpfulness, but it's just not helpful.

Of course, the very funny part about this is that this is a girl that I went to high school with, who I was fairly good friends with at the time, who I haven't spoken with in - oh, 20 years. I don't usually mention IF to people, but I'm really trying to just remove the stigma in my own mind, when appropriate. She'd been very open and real about her life at present, which I treated with empathy and compassion. So, as we went on catching up, I thought - "Hey, why not? None of us has a perfect life - she's been real, so I should be too." So when she asked, I mentioned that we've been trying unsuccessfully for several years, but that we're in treatment and hopefully that will work out. Pretty casual - real - but not weepy or anything. I was honest, but upbeat. Her immediate response was to say that God holds the timetable and that there's always adoption.

Thanks, good tip.

I just wonder how she would have felt if I'd have replied with "it must have been God's time," after she told me that her niece and her brother died tragically in the last couple years.... "I'm sorry for your loss, but I guess it was God's timing. You have another brother and more nieces and nephews, right?" I would NEVER say that, of course, and in no way do I think that.... but that's why it just seems so silly to me that people give IFers that response. I really do believe she was trying to be helpful, and I wasn't mad at all. It actually sort of made me laugh. It was soooooo stereotypical. I could have written the script. I wonder why people seem to forget empathy and sensitivity when it comes to IF. It's sort of a mystery to me. If the situation were any other difficulty a person faces, any other disease - the response is generally quite different. I just wish I knew a gentle, yet educational, response to give when people say that.

What do I wish they'd say or do instead of these pat answers that sound so holy, but really actually quite miss the mark, and make my struggle feel quite belittled? I guess I'd rather a simple acknowledgement of how much this must suck! Maybe a quick squeeze, or to just hear they'll be praying for us...

After all, I do not know all the answers to the big questions of God's sovereignty. Does he control every single minute detail of our lives? Does he control every second, every action, and every event in each and every one of our lives? Does he personally give the go-ahead on every single birth, of every single baby - and say "no," or "not yet" on every single person who's TTC? Does he personally decide on each and every sickness, death - or wellness? Every job loss? Every outcome of an NFL football game? Where does free will come into all of this? Where does the fact come in that, with sin, came sickness and death - and the mucky, ugly consequences of living in a fallen world? Where do we fit into this mix? These are questions that I don't pretend to know all the answers to. Sure, I do have my inclinations about the answers, but I'm honest enough to not pretend. I'm certainly not going to pretend I know the answers when a friend is hurting; that's the time to just love, I think. Well, just some rambling thoughts I had about that. Don't get me wrong, I believe in God and I believe in miracles. Big time!! I just don't believe in pat answers that only serve to make yourself feel helpful, but make the other person generally feel worse.

I think all this rambling actually meant I am in an ok(ish) place, because it did kind of make me laugh, and it made me philosophize/theologize rather than cry or get angry.

Now here is what I do know: God loves me! Infertility doesn't change this. He proved this by sending his son to pay the price for my sins, because when sin came into the world, so came the consequences of sin - including illness, death, and a veil over our eyes... But in his love and grace, he acted to reconcile us to him, through his son. I also know that with God all things are possible, and that he still works miracles!!! Infertility (an, ehem, illness) doesn't change any of these truths. I don't need to completely understand his sovereignty to simply trust in his goodness, and move forward in faith knowing his grace IS sufficient for me.

Whatever may come in this life, his grace is sufficient for me.

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)

Late bloomers?

I went for my day 8 ultrasound this morning at 8:30 (ugh!). She said there was nothing to really measure.... That was not the news I wanted to hear, of course. The nurse said not to worry about it though. She also said to stay on the same dose of the Bravelle. I was thinking she'd have me increase it, but I guess not.

I'd like to say that this didn't get me down, or a bit worried... but it did. It's not like I thought I'd have super follicles, but I thought there would be SOMEthing!!

It was a bit rough going in to work after that, but I did. Dear Ar took me for a last-minute little lunch because I was really feeling down. I do think a lot of it is the Bravelle playing with my emotions. Hormones - yay. Anyhow, lunch helped. It always helps to spend a little time with Ar.

Well, so that's the way it goes for now. I'll go back for another ultrasound on Sunday morning to see if they grew! I am hoping my follicles are just late bloomers!!! C'mon little follicles!!!

Shot through the heart....

and you're toooo blame... darlin', you give love - a bad name!!!

Ok, Bon Jovi aside, I'm four shots in... Things are going... well, they're going.

Two nights ago, I woke up at 4 am with feelings of panic that I haven't had since before I sought help for my panic attacks, and tonight I sobbed for approximately two hours while reading blogs, watching tv, and taking my shot. YIKES!!!!!

The sobbing, while odd, I'm ok with... and am not surprised by. The panic feelings at 4 am, after waking from a sound sleep.... red flag!!! Danger, Will Robinson, danger!!!!

Granted, I knew what it was - anxiety - and I acknowledged it... Still, I couldn't quite shake it. I had that same warm (not a nice warm), awful feeling in my stomach that I used to get. Worse yet, I couldn't shake the image of a car roll-over, which was an image that often haunted me during my panic attacks - actually, which often initiated my panic attacks. (I've never been in a roll-over, I don't know why that image would come to me....)

Well, so that was Sunday night/Monday early AM, and fortunately last night I had an appointment with my regular doc for an unrelated to IF or anxiety reason. I told her about what happened and she looked up my med (Bravelle) and said that it's not too surprising - that the hormones could well have exasperated my anxiety. She said to just watch it. If it happens again, to take a Xanax - and to let her know right away. She said to not worry about this - and that we can work with it, if need be. So, we'll see. I didn't have that experience last night - so maybe it was a fluke.

Thing is, it took me a long time to get back here after dealing with the panic. I just don't want anything to hold me back now. Also, last time, it took me a long time to realize and seek help for the anxiety, so I also don't want to overlook anything.

I also happened to have an appointment with my therapist tonight - more good timing. She reassured me that these things DO happen, even when all else is ok... that sometimes anxiety just happens. She also talked a lot about the impact that hormones have on brain chemistry etc... Long and short, she told me to not panic about panic. That seems like good advice, as I have been worried about the panic since it happened... And as they say, the only thing to fear is fear itself. Well, I'm not sure I believe that - there are PLENTY of things to fear - but fear is one of them.

Anyhow, she was also reassuring and advised me to just watch it to see if it was a fluke or not. That if it's not, we'll deal with it - that I do have the support and resources to get through it now. That it's good to pay attention, but to not overreact.

So, I'll just take it a step at a time. I feel so bad about it though. For one thing, Ar was so sweet a couple weeks ago cuddling me and telling me how happy he is that I'm doing better with all that anxiety stuff now. He loves me no matter what - but I do know that he worried about my panic - a lot!!! I don't want to put him through that again. I think he can live with my occasional sobbing... over sad tv shows and what-not. I don't usually sob, but I do get teary over things that are sad. I think he sees that as normal to me, but not the panic.

Well, I won't overreact - it was just once. We'll see how it goes. I'm in a much better place with much more support now, so it will be ok. Scary, but ok.

Two down....

Well, we're two shots in!!! I don't know how many more to go... I'll go back in for another US on Thursday, which is CD 8. Thank goodness, Ar has been here to help me with the shots - errr, actually, he's totally done them. I've been all thumbs with the syringes and such. We had to watch the little videos like a hundred times it seemed, before we figured out how to do it... Nerves, I think. We're not nurses, after all!! I feel like I'm walking around on eggshells, just so I don't somehow jostle my meds out of me..... I'm not sure how on earth that would happen, but believe me - if it's even remotely possible, I'll find a way! But, as I said, so far so good.

Tomorrow I'll try to do it on my own, in case I need to sometime when Ar is out of town. Anyhow, I just hope it's working!!

Other than that, this weekend I've done little more than sleep... and watch my beloved Packers lose in the playoffs. Sad, sad sigh!! Such is life though... it was a great season!! Next year...

And so it begins

AF came today! Tomorrow morning I'll go in for an ultrasound. Then in a few days, I'll start the injections - and we're off and running... IUI, here we come.....

I was happy to see AF come in a timely manner - this should bode well for our timing issues with IUI and Ar's business!! However, as the day wore on... and as I grew achier and more tired, some nerves started to kick in...

First of all, two of my dearest friends and I are planning a girls' weekend. Of course, with IUI coming up, I wanted to work around that for scheduling. My friends were very accommodating that way!! So as we were emailing about it today, I was comparing to the calendar, and I found myself typing out that the first day of our weekend would be day 30 - and that that means I'll be having to do a pregnancy test right around then . I wrote that the probability was high that it would be negative.... It sort of just came out. I've been feeling SO positive all along, but today THAT came out... the probability is that it would be negative. I hate that I wrote that!!!

But I've never - ever - seen a positive.

Soon after, on one of my IF groups on Facebook, someone referred to IUI as "small time stuff," and I felt pretty miffed about that... Still do! Excuse me - just because it isn't IVF does not mean it's small time stuff!!! It's still a major step, and a major commitment. Must we compare like that? Yes, everyone has to make their own decision as to what's right for them - I respect that. Respect it in reverse, please!!!! Maybe it wasn't a big deal to her - but it is to me! And it is to others. It's also been very effective for many!! So don't tell me it's "small time stuff!" What does that mean - was my whole IF experience so far just small time stuff too? I realize I'm probably overreacting, but it just felt very disrespectful - especially since many of us are currently in IUI stages. I am not a fan of disrespect!!!!

I also know she probably did not mean it that way - it was within the context of someone else wondering if they should move from IUI to IVF, so I suppose she was trying to encourage her... She probably could have worded it better to not sound so dismissive of those embarking on IUI, but it was on Facebook, which is not known for highly thought out responses always. So, so be it.

Anyhow, I'm quite sure AF was just making me more sensitive during an already trying work day. I really love this group of gals in the group - and have never felt particularly miffed before. I guess I just really took that one comment to heart a bit too much. I know it probably sounds silly, but I really found myself suddenly feeling quite down and nervous after reading it. I haven't felt that way since we made the decision to start treatment again.

Well, it's fine that I felt this way - of course. AF always screws me up a bit emotionally, anyhow... and now that it's so close and so real, it's normal to feel nervous, right?

I know things are different than before. I know I'm healthier than before. Still, it's not in me to just forget all the trauma from last time. I don't want to forget - it's part of me, but I don't want it to taint my now. BUT, this was just one day, right! So I'm moving forward. I said (to myself) that I would write it out in here - and let it go. And so I am!

I do really, really hope this works. I guess that's the thing, isn't it? We put ourselves all out there - step out blindly, hoping for all the best - doing our due diligence... putting all our eggs in this one basket, so to speak... but we just don't know. I'm so excited to begin, but as I picture myself in one month at my girls' weekend, I can't help but wonder - will I be crying tears of joy, or tears of anguish?????

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11 )

My meds are here, my meds are here!!!!

When I got home today, there was a big ole package waiting for me!!!! Whoohoo!!! I took pics thinking, "Hey - maybe I should take some pics to go in the baby's book!!!" OH BROTHER!!!! But, hey, like my blog subtitle says, hope really does spring eternal!

I also told my boss today that we were going back into IF treatment.... I had really pondered over that - I did share last time, but I wasn't sure I wanted to again. She was great about it last time, but... I don't know. I just wasn't sure. BUT, I needed to let her know that I would need some flexibility coming up - and she's kind of better about that stuff if she's in the loop. So, I told her. It felt a little awkward, but I'm glad I did. She didn't ever know why we stopped two years ago... She sort of asked about that today, but I just blew that part off a bit. She does not need to know about panic attacks etc.

So - that's taken care of!

My meds are here!

I've got new socks!

Boy, it's getting awfully real.....

All we need now is good old AF!!!!

In the meantime, I'll amuse myself with some Bailey's laden hot cocoa..... Mmmmm!!!!! (Hope this helps with my not sleeping well lately problem....)

Not enough "o"s in smooth!!!

Rarrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

As you can see, my new Dino IF socks have arrived!!! Yay!!!!
Ooops, I meant, RARRRRRR!!!!!

Darling Ar - hey, Ar rhymes w/ Rarrrr! I wonder if that's a coincidence or not.... Hmm...

Anyhow, darling Ar will probably shake his head in disgust if he happens to look at this blog post and sees I posted a picture of my feet... Mind you, he won't have a problem with me posting a picture of my feet in my new socks, but he will have a problem with my wrinkled pant leg there... You see, Ar is very concerned about pants being wrinkle free. I am completely, totally, and in all other ways, the opposite. It's not that I want to look sloppy - it's just that I strive to buy clothes that won't wrinkle (read: LAZY!!!), but these pants have let me down in that regard. Oh well.

I figured wrinkly pants didn't matter for a chiropractic adjustment where they'd be twisting me around to make everything else straight anyhow, which is where we were headed right before Ar snapped this picture (and grumbled a little about wrinkly pants...) The chiro visit was good. I felt a sense of calm while she did some massage, suddenly I found myself just praying... just a short prayer - but one of thanksgiving and trust. It sort of just came upon me to pray. You know, I am thankful. I am so thankful that God has been good. Through all of this, His mercies have STILL been new every morning - new every morning... Great is His faithfulness!!! I do not believe there's a specific reason for me to have IF, I don't - I believe that the world is fallen and there is sickness throughout it - and I do believe that my Holy Father is good, and is with me - and will be with me - whatever the outcome.

On a significantly less lofty note, after the chiro, we (ate at Denny's, then) went to our injection training!!!

Needless to say, visions of needles and bottles and powders dancing in my head doesn't exactly fill me with ease, but it seems straightforward enough, I guess. Ar will help me - actually, he'll probably just do it for me - so it will be ok. As we left the RE clinic today, I exclaimed, "RARRRRR!!" Just kidding, what I actually exclaimed was, "It feels so real, all of a sudden!!!"

Indeed, it does.

Today is day 27.

I finally believe we are really going back down this road. Wow!! I am just so thankful for the opportunity. For quite a while, I didn't think I'd be able to do this again.

So please, please, please, lovely old Auntie Flo, please come on time this month (unless I'm already pregnant, I say with a hearty chuckle!) so that we don't have a scheduling issue with Ar's business!

I asked the nurse if there was any possibility of getting a sample from Ar early, and freezing it just in case - because of his work schedule. She said they would not do that because it's just not as good. So... so be it!

Strangely enough, I really felt good that I asked. That might seem a silly thing to feel good about, but I had a worry... I thought of a potential solution... and I inquired about it, rather than just letting it worry me crazy! Granted, it didn't help - but I'm glad I asked because last time I just went forward with dread and anxiety guiding me. This time, I calmly -- asked.

Since the answer to that is no, we'll just have to pray and hope for the best timing on this. I've done what I can do about it, so now we'll see what happens. Ar is in a holding pattern too because of this, of course. He's such a doll about everything though (probably another thing that would make him grumble if he's reading this - doll, ha - but he is!!!) I'm so so so soooo (inexplicably) blessed to have this man love me so much!!!!

In other RARRRish news, I also had to call the specialty (mail-order) pharmacy today. They were supposed to call me last week on Thursday to arrange my delivery. Again, rather than waiting or fretting, I just took care of it - calmly and efficiently. Small things, I know - I have always been calm and efficient at work - but two years ago, I'd be in a state of very un-me-like panic about any of these IF related things. I was a rock at work, and a nutcase outside of work.

Anyhow, the meds should be here tomorrow. I'll be on Bravelle and then an hCG trigger shot.

To close tonight's post, I leave you with a little comment from my darling Ar, who said this to me yesterday after he got home from his business trip:

"Hon, ya know what I heard on the radio today? Well, apparently there has been a significant increase in the occurrence of twins, in, ummm, well -- "mature" women, lately... so I thought, 'gee, I sure hope so!! That would be great!!' "

Aside from chuckling over the very politically correct term for the fact that I'm OLD (in the context of IF, anyhow), I love that he thinks about it too, you know... He's not as, well, blatant, about his feelings as I am, to say the least... but he thinks about it and hopes about it. Sure, it comes about in a different way from me, but that's ok. Actually, thank God for that because, let's face it... this household couldn't survive with two me-s in it!!!!

♥

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

Hello 2012!!!

Glory to God in highest heaven,
Who unto man His Son hath given;
While angels sing with tender mirth,
A glad new year to all the earth.
(Martin Luther)
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So far 2012 has treated me well! Ar and I have enjoyed a very relaxing weekend at home!! As I've said before, Ar works weekends - and quite frequently works them away from home. Anytime I have him home on a weekend is such a delight!! This was a nice, long, four-day weekend even!! All the better! Anyhow, we didn't do a thing that most people would consider exciting, but it was all very nice. I daresay it might have been in the top two New Year's Eves ever!!

The other one was when a group of my camp friends and I gathered in one of our parent's basements and played the dictionary game all night!! Oh - that was SUCH fun!! Good friends, good laughs - crazy times!!! Loved it!! That was a good 20 or so years ago. Anyhow, this one was wonderful in a very low key way, and because I didn't, for once, have high expectations of how exciting New Year's Eve should be. We just hung out together - what could be better - and enjoyed each others company! I made some delicious, slow-cooked beef stew, and johnna-cakes, for dinner. We boiled sweetened condensed milk in the can for hours - which we ate with apples, drank pink champagne, and kissed in the new year!!! Perfectly perfect!!

The rest of the weekend was lovely and relaxing as well. First thing in the new year, we went to church - it was a very joyful service. We've been trying out a new church lately, and I'm just loving it. It's laid back and joyful, and solid - just what I need. It also has a lot more service opportunities, which we've also been looking for, as well. Anyhow, it was also communion Sunday yesterday, which seemed a wonderful way to bring in the new year! After church, Ar, his daughter P, and I went to eat some Ethiopian lunch. The rest of the weekend, Ar and I watched football, I read, played some Words, hung out with Ar having fun, and did some puttering around the house.

So, 2012 has been off to a fine start!!

In other news, sometime last night, some of my thoughts turned a bit worried. I'm concerned that if AF doesn't come on time, as she's been a bit prone to do lately, then Ar may be out of town when it's ovulation time - and we'll be doing IUI this month.... So, I'm just praying that AF comes on time this time. Day 29 or 30 would work very well for me - that *should* put ovulation at mid week, which would be perfect. So, if you're reading this AF, please play nice for once!!!!

Or, if you want, you could just not come at all - and maybe let me get a BFP naturally... Just a wild, wacky thought... Ar and I really did have a good variety of sweet, nice times together over the weekend, which just happened to coincide with ovulation (probably, anyhow - who really knows for sure when you have PCOS!) Anyhow, silly me can never help but hoping for it to happen the good old fashioned way!!! Sheesh - that's just crazy talk, right.... sex leading to pregnancy... old wives tale!!! What am I, a rookie?

Well, that's about that. So, hello, 2012 - thanks for showing up!! I'm glad you're here and I hope that this is the start of a beautiful friendship for us all!!

To new beginnings!!! And to hope!!! Cheers!!!