Shot through the heart....

and you're toooo blame... darlin', you give love - a bad name!!!

Ok, Bon Jovi aside, I'm four shots in... Things are going... well, they're going.

Two nights ago, I woke up at 4 am with feelings of panic that I haven't had since before I sought help for my panic attacks, and tonight I sobbed for approximately two hours while reading blogs, watching tv, and taking my shot. YIKES!!!!!

The sobbing, while odd, I'm ok with... and am not surprised by. The panic feelings at 4 am, after waking from a sound sleep.... red flag!!! Danger, Will Robinson, danger!!!!

Granted, I knew what it was - anxiety - and I acknowledged it... Still, I couldn't quite shake it. I had that same warm (not a nice warm), awful feeling in my stomach that I used to get. Worse yet, I couldn't shake the image of a car roll-over, which was an image that often haunted me during my panic attacks - actually, which often initiated my panic attacks. (I've never been in a roll-over, I don't know why that image would come to me....)

Well, so that was Sunday night/Monday early AM, and fortunately last night I had an appointment with my regular doc for an unrelated to IF or anxiety reason. I told her about what happened and she looked up my med (Bravelle) and said that it's not too surprising - that the hormones could well have exasperated my anxiety. She said to just watch it. If it happens again, to take a Xanax - and to let her know right away. She said to not worry about this - and that we can work with it, if need be. So, we'll see. I didn't have that experience last night - so maybe it was a fluke.

Thing is, it took me a long time to get back here after dealing with the panic. I just don't want anything to hold me back now. Also, last time, it took me a long time to realize and seek help for the anxiety, so I also don't want to overlook anything.

I also happened to have an appointment with my therapist tonight - more good timing. She reassured me that these things DO happen, even when all else is ok... that sometimes anxiety just happens. She also talked a lot about the impact that hormones have on brain chemistry etc... Long and short, she told me to not panic about panic. That seems like good advice, as I have been worried about the panic since it happened... And as they say, the only thing to fear is fear itself. Well, I'm not sure I believe that - there are PLENTY of things to fear - but fear is one of them.

Anyhow, she was also reassuring and advised me to just watch it to see if it was a fluke or not. That if it's not, we'll deal with it - that I do have the support and resources to get through it now. That it's good to pay attention, but to not overreact.

So, I'll just take it a step at a time. I feel so bad about it though. For one thing, Ar was so sweet a couple weeks ago cuddling me and telling me how happy he is that I'm doing better with all that anxiety stuff now. He loves me no matter what - but I do know that he worried about my panic - a lot!!! I don't want to put him through that again. I think he can live with my occasional sobbing... over sad tv shows and what-not. I don't usually sob, but I do get teary over things that are sad. I think he sees that as normal to me, but not the panic.

Well, I won't overreact - it was just once. We'll see how it goes. I'm in a much better place with much more support now, so it will be ok. Scary, but ok.