And so it begins

AF came today! Tomorrow morning I'll go in for an ultrasound. Then in a few days, I'll start the injections - and we're off and running... IUI, here we come.....

I was happy to see AF come in a timely manner - this should bode well for our timing issues with IUI and Ar's business!! However, as the day wore on... and as I grew achier and more tired, some nerves started to kick in...

First of all, two of my dearest friends and I are planning a girls' weekend. Of course, with IUI coming up, I wanted to work around that for scheduling. My friends were very accommodating that way!! So as we were emailing about it today, I was comparing to the calendar, and I found myself typing out that the first day of our weekend would be day 30 - and that that means I'll be having to do a pregnancy test right around then . I wrote that the probability was high that it would be negative.... It sort of just came out. I've been feeling SO positive all along, but today THAT came out... the probability is that it would be negative. I hate that I wrote that!!!

But I've never - ever - seen a positive.

Soon after, on one of my IF groups on Facebook, someone referred to IUI as "small time stuff," and I felt pretty miffed about that... Still do! Excuse me - just because it isn't IVF does not mean it's small time stuff!!! It's still a major step, and a major commitment. Must we compare like that? Yes, everyone has to make their own decision as to what's right for them - I respect that. Respect it in reverse, please!!!! Maybe it wasn't a big deal to her - but it is to me! And it is to others. It's also been very effective for many!! So don't tell me it's "small time stuff!" What does that mean - was my whole IF experience so far just small time stuff too? I realize I'm probably overreacting, but it just felt very disrespectful - especially since many of us are currently in IUI stages. I am not a fan of disrespect!!!!

I also know she probably did not mean it that way - it was within the context of someone else wondering if they should move from IUI to IVF, so I suppose she was trying to encourage her... She probably could have worded it better to not sound so dismissive of those embarking on IUI, but it was on Facebook, which is not known for highly thought out responses always. So, so be it.

Anyhow, I'm quite sure AF was just making me more sensitive during an already trying work day. I really love this group of gals in the group - and have never felt particularly miffed before. I guess I just really took that one comment to heart a bit too much. I know it probably sounds silly, but I really found myself suddenly feeling quite down and nervous after reading it. I haven't felt that way since we made the decision to start treatment again.

Well, it's fine that I felt this way - of course. AF always screws me up a bit emotionally, anyhow... and now that it's so close and so real, it's normal to feel nervous, right?

I know things are different than before. I know I'm healthier than before. Still, it's not in me to just forget all the trauma from last time. I don't want to forget - it's part of me, but I don't want it to taint my now. BUT, this was just one day, right! So I'm moving forward. I said (to myself) that I would write it out in here - and let it go. And so I am!

I do really, really hope this works. I guess that's the thing, isn't it? We put ourselves all out there - step out blindly, hoping for all the best - doing our due diligence... putting all our eggs in this one basket, so to speak... but we just don't know. I'm so excited to begin, but as I picture myself in one month at my girls' weekend, I can't help but wonder - will I be crying tears of joy, or tears of anguish?????

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11 )