Blessing and a curse? Or just delusion?

CD18 today and I POASed today. Crazy, right? Well, I've been gaining weight and I have several pimples. Both of these are completely inexplicable right now. So, I just thought I'd remove any doubt that I'm one of those "I didn't know I was pregnant" people and I POASed. Not surprisingly, it was a BFN.

Later, Ar and I were happily driving along between errands, and just like that I heard a little girl scream with glee - I looked over and she's cruising down her driveway on her pink bike. I just started crying. X always equals infertility.

Ar didn't even know what happened. We were having a nice afternoon together and suddenly I'm in tears.

This past weekend, I was back down in Milwaukee, where I grew up - where my family and some very dear friends still are. It was just a quick run down Saturday, and back on Sunday. Well, on Sunday my mom and I went to lunch and a little shopping. My mom and I aren't close in the normal sense. I don't talk to her about IF, though she does know we're getting treatment for it. I don't confide in her, or anything - it's just not the way we are. Well she was talking about my brothers - and some issues with them. Then she said, "I pray everyday you'll get the baby you want so much. If you do, you'll see that you never stop worrying about them no matter how old they are." Then, mercifully, she moved on back to my brothers. I know she wasn't even trying to converse with me about IF, it was just a side point related to my brothers.

Here's the thing. I'm never going to know, because I'm never going to be a mother.

I know this in my heart of hearts.... it's not going to happen. I've never been more certain of anything in my life.

So why can't I just stop? Why can't I just give up? Why do I have to keep trying for the impossible?

I've never known how to give up. On anything, or anyone. It's just doesn't seem to be in me. It makes me an incredibly loyal and resilient person, I think, but those qualities - while noble sounding - have been the scourge of my existence.

One might argue my inability to give up is a blessing, but it's also a curse. Big time.

I just want to have peace.

To just stop hurting so much.

To just be able to drive down a road and hear a child playing without being thrown into a complete tailspin.

I don't think I can stop. I'm just a couple months from 41, and still I can't stop. Even if we run out of money and even if we can't do treatment anymore, I probably will still not be able to stop trying - stop hoping - probably until menopause, I imagine. I want to stop, so much. I just want to walk away, but I don't think I can.

I'm not even sure it is resilience or hope or perseverance. Maybe it's obsessive compulsiveness. Maybe it's sheer idolatry. Or delusion. Maybe there's not a noble bone in my body....

Sisyphus. Just this second, Sisyphus came to mind.

And as I thought of Sisyphus - and the rock - the old hymn came to mind. "On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand." Sinking sand, indeed.

Well, enough whining and randomness for today. Time for some sleep. With any luck, I'll wake up with selective amnesia.

A little ironing

I spent a little time today with a dear friend, who I first met during Adventurers week at camp back in 1984!! She was one of my cabin mates. We became friends, and both ended up working at camp for many years after. Well, today she was up from Chicago with her family. It was wonderful to see her!! We don't see each other often anymore, but when we do, it feels just like old times to me. Except that I'm old and broken down now... but that aside, it's just like old times.

She also happens to be an IF survivor, whose journey was long and difficult. She eventually came out the other side with two gorgeous little ones.

I'm eternally grateful that I've been blessed with a few dear friends, who care so deeply about me - so much that they try to understand what I'm going through, and are there for me whether they understand or not. These friends, these soul mates, are a sheltering tree.

I'm also so blessed to have met amazing friends online, who are (unfortunately) in the thick of this with me. These dear friends are hurting along with me - but they still reach out with love and support. These friends, these fellow travelers, are a lifeline.

Today, I was so blessed to be with a friend, who simply understands. There was something so refreshing about not having to try to explain this horrible nightmare that is just... well, unexplainable. A relief to be with someone who doesn't judge if I happen to just start crying in the middle of the mall - not that I would ever do such a thing, of course........ Yeah, there's something very special about being with someone who really remembers... but who has the peace and wisdom that comes from making it through. Such a friend, is is a healing balm.

I thank the good Lord for all these friends!!

I'm so happy that this friend came out on the other side of the nightmare!! I'm happy because I love my friend and she is someone who just - so much - should be a mom, you know... some people are just obviously moms, whether they have kids or not.

I'm also happy about it because maybe, just maybe, it could happen for us too.

Now, don't worry, I know better than to conclude that I'll have the same outcome as she did. Remember, optimist with experience here... But, as my friend told me today, I haven't expired yet. Granted, I have started to feel like I'm getting a bit rancid, but I really do hope she's right.

Every day holds the possibility of a miracle, after all.

Friendship itself is a miracle!!

"As iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend." (Proverbs 27:17)

Happy family

Last night I was telling Ar about what I wrote in my last post (Fair Shmair) and when I was done he said, "But hon - we're already a happy family."

My gosh - he's so sweet. He's also so right! It's true, we are a happy family already! Thing is, no matter how much I know we are the happy part (IF aside, we are a very happy marriage), I still have a hard time defining family without kids.... I love that he does, though - not that he doesn't want us to have kids, but that he sees us as a happy family, regardless. I love that. I love him.

Well, this happy family got a bit of good news today. I met with Dr. D., our RE. He always makes me feel so much better. He's just nice and gentle, and funny in a kind of funny way - and he's always realistically positive. I just feel good and safe with him. Plus, today, in the conference room he met me in, he put his feet up on the chair next to him for a while - stretching out his legs. It amused me for some reason. It's something I'd do, which should probably alarm me, I guess, but I liked it.

The bottom line is that he still feels very positive about our chances with IUI. Again, IVF is not an option for us, anyhow, so I was worried we might be done. But he reviewed everything and feels that we have a lot of potential. Ar was progressively better with each cycle. His volume and count have greatly increased over the course of the last three cycles. The first two cycles his volume was 0.2 and 0.5. The last cycle it was 1.2. 1.5 is considered normal. His count was 17. something million on that last one. Dr. D. was a bit surprised about these increases, so I mentioned that I "put" Ar on CoQ10. Dr. D. kind of chuckled about that, but he did write it down. I'm sure he hears all kinds of crazy things we IFers prescribe for ourselves.

Anyhow, he wants to keep doing IUI with the Bravelle - but bump up the dosage a bit this time.

I was incredibly relieved!!!

I also heard back from insurance - we still have funds for maybe one more cycle, after all. So that was also very good news.

The only tough thing is that I'm supposed to be on a business trip next month, during what should be days 12 - 14, depending on when AF comes. So I emailed my boss today (she was out today) and explained the situation. I just hope that she is understanding. It's really hard for me to do this, as I'll feel like I'm shirking my responsibilities if I don't go, but - as I said in my email to my boss - there's just nothing more important to me than this. It's really hard, but that's how it is. Every single month matters to us. If I have to go on the trip, we'd have to miss April (which we're already missing) and May. I hope and pray she understands and is cool with it.

So.... now I'm feeling a great burden lifted off my shoulders. I just need to wait for AF now. I hope the old biddy comes on time! Unless, of course, we get pregnant on our own this month. Ha ha!!!

I'm so thankful for more opportunities!! May May be our turn!!!

Fair shmair!!!

Happy families, all around... happy happy happy. So much happiness in life. Happy pictures, happy blogs, and happy families, who simply decided to have kids and voila, they had kids. Honestly, I'm so happy for them, but I just can't imagine what it's like to just get what you want.

Oh, this is such a hard time right now. I feel like I'm watching those sands just slipping on through the hour glass, away and away. I just don't understand why there isn't enough happiness to go around?

Tomorrow morning I go see Dr. D., my RE to see what, if anything might be next.

Longing for morning

Morning, please come!!

I wish I could just snap out of this. I'm always brutally honest here, so let me just say... I am really struggling right now. I'm not doing well, at all. I really do just need the world to stop - to just give me a little break. A little breathing room. A little time to cry as long as I need to. Honestly, this past week, I basically look like what you would get if you cross a zombie with The Joker. I'm definitely not plotting evil or engineering an apocalypse... It's just that I feel half dead with a sickly smile pasted on my face. It ain't pretty folks.

But the world still won't stop for me.

Errands, taxes, bake sales, work, meetings, brother-in-law in town, cookie gram, party, waking up, showering, dressing... Sounds mostly pretty fun, or at least ordinary life, yeah? Normally I'd agree, but it all just feels like too much right now.

Oh, if only I were the kind of person who could just snap out of it.

"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." (Psalm 30:5)

Morning, please come!!

Morose bumbling

It's nearing a week from my BFN. Today is CD 4, not that it matters much. The last couple cycles, I had to jump right back into the next cycle right away, generally going in for an ultrasound on CD1 or 2, then starting my injections on CD3. Instead, this time I have to meet with Dr. D., my RE, on Friday to see what - if anything - is next. In the meantime, well.... I'm enjoying some red wine. That's the upside, I guess. I enjoy my daily red, but I'd give it up in a heartbeat.

Besides, the downside is that I've spent the other 3/4 of the time in a state of morose bumbling. I thought this time might be it, you know. Not that I haven't thought that a million times before. I know I'll get through this - somehow, someday... but it's just so hard. I'm so thankful times a bajillion for my Ar!! What would I do without his kindness and gentleness to me? The poor dear, every other time he turns around, it seems I'm crying. I can't seem to stop crying lately.

In fact, I came home from the grocery store today in tears. Why, you ask? So did he... Well, that would be because the check out lady assumed I have children. Well, I don't have children. I'd like to have told her that. I'd have added that while I know she meant no harm, assumptions only hurt people - even when they seem innocuous. If I'd told her that, I'd have started crying in the store and I certainly wasn't up for that. Especially since I still had to fork out the big bucks for my four sacks of bake sale ingredients. I wonder if they'd have given me a discount for the checker lady making me cry.

Lately it seems everywhere I go, someone is assuming I have kids. Do I have some kind of maternal vibe going on? Do I look motherly? Have I wiped dirt off someone's face with my spittle? I don't know, but it just hurts like crazy. It always comes from no where, like a punch in the gut. So, here's a thought, unless you actually see a child clinging to me, or falling out of me, don't assume I have kids.

Although I might slightly prefer someone assuming I have kids to being told it doesn't matter very much if I am alive or dead...

This past Saturday, I went out for my annual pedicure and lunch day with a dear old friend. We live several hours apart, so we meet in the middle for this. It's loads of fun and I love seeing my friend - I was looking forward to this, especially after such a difficult week. The salon is really a nice one, but they may want to work on the conversational skills of their employees. Here are the unsolicited thoughts of my pedicurist (who looked 15, but is a mom of two daughters):

"It's so sad when someone with kids dies; it's tragic! Of course, I wouldn't want anyone to die, but it's just different when someone with kids dies.... The ones they leave behind don't just get over it - they would miss them sooo much. It's different for those of us with kids. It's like, we can't die... So, do you have kids?"

"No."

"Hmm."

My friend hadn't heard this part because we were at separate stations at the moment, since my toes were finished early. My friend knows and is supportive of what we're going through, but I chose to not spoil the day by saying anything.

But I cried half the way home.

I don't agree with my lovely philosopher pedicurist in the least, of course!! It's ridiculous!!! It's beyond ridiculous!!! Try telling my husband, my mom and brothers, my niece and nephew, and all the friends who love me like a sister - try telling them that it won't be such a big deal if I suddenly drop dead; that they'll just get over it. And try telling me that about any of them.

But I still cried half the way home.

I've heard and read this before, but never had it told to my face. It's horrible - it's a horrible thing to say to another. I'm not saying that it's not tragic for children to lose their parent - I lost my dad at 18 - and that was tragic. Maybe, according to her, it would have been more tragic if I were younger when he died. I don't know. While I absolutely reject her self absorbed line of thinking, it still left me feeling once again like a defective waste of space. I hate that I gave her the power to do that. But that's the power of words, especially when someone is in a fragile place to begin with.

If any of the people I truly love died, my life would be irrevocably changed. I would never get over it. I'm pretty sure that these same people would feel the same about me.

I reject her words, but they still hurt like heck!

But at least my toes are cute!

So... be careful what you say to people, people. Be careful what you assume. (This includes me, since I'm a people too.) I'm just saying - none of us really knows what someone else is going through.

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." (Proverbs 16:24)

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." (Psalm 19:14)

Ode to hands

The hands of infertility

Tiny hand
we've never held
except in our hearts
and in our dreams

My smile
his beautiful eyes
forged from our love
soaked in our tears

Empty womb
an unfulfilled hope
fingers laced together
our hearts crushed

Even so
your tiny hand
and a dream of you
carry us on

Unheld hands

Well... I survived being back to work today, but just barely, after having yesterday's BFN day off. It was so hard today. Two hours of management meetings didn't help. Half I just didn't care about in the least, the other half was about evaluations and career planning (both for ourselves and for coaching our employees.) Talk about career planning and future is just so ridiculous to me. I know where I want to be, and it has nothing to do with work; I just can't get there...

Don't misunderstand, I appreciate my job very much. It can be frustrating, but more so, it's incredibly rewarding because I get to directly help people, who are very much in need of help. I believe in what we do, and I feel good about it. That said, if you are going to make me think about where I want to be in a couple years, and what my priorities are - it's not there. As much as I care about the people I help, and I very much do, my heart wants what it wants. It wants to be a mom.

In these meetings today, I felt like the room was spinning around me. I was watching all my colleagues floating around me. Everyone moving, everyone progressing, everyone everyoning.... but there I sat, choking back tears as I tried not to stare at the pregnant one, as I tried not to think about all the newborns born to the people in that room in the last year.

Many times I almost burst into tears, but I chugged down some Diet Pepsi instead. I've cut back dramatically on Diet Pepsi, but in the days following BFN, all bets are off. Especially during meetings. Anyhow, I'd brought two 20 oz bottles with me, so I was prepared for the battle.

It was so hard with them all whirling around me saying words and nodding and writing and planning. Why does the world keep going on and on and on, when my heart is shattered into a million pieces? Doesn't the world know? Why were we talking about the print budget? Travel? Evaluations? Competencies? I don't know and I don't care. Just stop. Just stop moving, stop swirling... It all keeps going, but I just stay where I am.

For six years, a week, and a few days, I've been in a holding pattern, you see. Always waiting, always the next cycle... always resilient, always knowing that this time, this month - this could be the miracle. I'm still waiting. And the world is still moving, time is still churning. I know this because I have a lot more wrinkles than six years, a week, and a few days ago.

Doesn't my pain matter? Can't we just stop for a bit - maybe just for long enough to let me stop feeling the entire weight of this loss.

Yes, "loss." It's true, I've never been pregnant, so technically, I haven't lost anything, right? Hmm. Then why do I feel this tremendous ongoing loss? Why this grief that always hovers over me, even on the best of days? It's the fine art of losing what you never had. Laura Bush describes it perfectly:

"The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" (Laura Bush, "Spoken from the Heart")

Loss.

Sometimes I can feel that tiny hand, you know. A sweet, tiny, warm, brown little hand.

But the world goes on, even if I'm not quite ready to join it yet.

As I reached the doorknob into my department this morning, I stopped and prayed, "please Lord, help me today." It was still so hard, but I'm thankful for the strength to keep on. I didn't burst into tears at any of the meetings, after all. Sounds like a win to me.

I think I'll get up tomorrow. Put on some clothes. Get in the car. Paste on a smile. Breathe in and out all day long.... Do it again. Each day holds the possibility of a miracle, after all, right? Just like death could not stop true love for the Princess Bride, grief cannot stop true miracles. But, if you rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles... and you shouldn't go in swimming for, what, a half hour after? Hmm, well, those probably only apply to human miracle men. Fortunately, God is greater than even the mighty Miracle Max.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

The pimple never lies

Monday night, after I wrote the previous blog post, I discovered a pimple on my nose. I always get a pimple shortly before AF is due.

The pimple never lies.

The test was negative. A big fat negative.

AF should be here in a few days, since I stopped taking the progesterone suppositories today.

I feel like I've been run over by a mack truck. Again.

I wonder how many times I can get run over by a mack truck before I just can't get up anymore.

It's amazing how a BFN brings you right back to all the thoughts that you know aren't true, all the less noble thoughts - the lies. What did I do to deserve this? Why - why don't I get to be a mom? Why? Why everyone else and not me? What did I do wrong? Or am I just too old and fat? Or just a complete failure? I know these are wrong and lies, right? Someone, please tell me they're lies because right now they don't feel like lies. I am supposed to be able to do this. Everything seemed so perfect this time - Ar's counts, my follies - all good, all really good. So then, why? Why can't I just have a child with my husband?

My heart hurts. My head hurts. My body hurts. I just... hurt.

Is there any such thing as a free lunch?

Today I made my monthly trip to the Walgreens, where I picked up a digital pregnancy test and some AF supplies. That's an optimist with experience, for ya alright... I'm hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.

So, I guess I'm ready - the two week wait is almost over. There are only two more sleeps before I wake up Wednesday morning and POAS! (Maybe more than two sleeps if I get a chance to nap tomorrow, which is rather unlikely since I'll be at work... Hmm, I sure do like naps though!!)

A BFP (positive) sure would be nice to see!!! (Understatement of the century!!)

However, if it's a BFN (negative), I'll have to go back to see my RE, Dr. D, before we go on with any further treatment. I'm nervous about that because of both my weight and our lack of additional financial resources for IF treatment.

Wednesday is also a work day, of course. I've happened to avoid POAS testing on work days so far, but this time it happens to be a Wednesday, so what can I do?

Well, if it's a BFN, well... BFN days are very - very - bad days for me, of course... As such, on this particular work/POAS day, I am planning to call in to work for the first time in more than 10 years!

As a side benefit of calling in, a dear work friend, who is appalled that I have not called in through all these years, has assigned me the goal to call in sometime this calendar year. If I achieve my goal, she will treat me to lunch. Well, I may just be getting a free lunch out of her soon.... I guess that's the bright side. I do loves me a free lunch!!!

I actually talked with my boss about all this - the POAS timing stuff - because Wednesday morning is also "employee appreciation day" in my department, which means that the management team (of which I am one) is supposed to prepare and serve breakfast to the staff. That means I'd have to be there by 7:30, when I normally come in at 9 - and that I'd have to pretend all was well in my world... Hmm.

As I've mentioned many times, there's been quite the baby boom in my department. It's seriously all they talk about. At these type gatherings, it's an infertile nightmare. It's quite alright for people to talk about childbearing, breastfeeding, and diapers over coffee, reports, or, in this case, pancakes - but infertility is quite another matter. Weeping into their pancakes would probably also be frowned on. All of that is fine, really - I've accepted that this is just the way it is, and I can deal with it. However, if it's a BFN... I just can't do it.

Not true - I could do it. I could pull it off. I'm a good enough actress... but it would not be healthy for me. It would be painful and unwise. All the baby talk is hard enough on a good day, after all. I can call in to work one time in 10 years, if it's what is best for me.

Well, anyhow, it was my boss who suggested I just call in, because I can't really schedule the day off in advance since I was off today and Friday for Easter, and because the rest of the management team would think it's funky for me to suddenly take off on the big breakfast day.

I sure hope it's a BFP though!!! It's just really hard to imagine a BFP, having never seen one. I hope all my planning will be for naught; I so hope that!!

In any case, after I resolved the Wednesday/work/POAS issue, I feel more at peace. I was pretty nervous about all that, and I didn't want to talk with my boss about it, but I feel better having a plan.

I guess that's just the way we optimists with experience roll, after all.

Today I think I'll leave you with this beloved Easter hymn. It's certainly very Easter appropriate, as well as IF appropriate - and, well, come to think of it - it's pretty darn appropriate for every day of our lives!!!

Mama never said there'd be days like these

Today I pretty much came home from work, crawled into bed and started crying. Why? Who can really say? Granted, it was a frustrating day at work for both work-related and IF-related reasons, but I thought I was ok.

I guess it just gets hard to always hold it together in public.

Also, while I was showering this morning that six year TTC milestone I wrote about yesterday popped into my head. It occurred to me that if I weren't IF, then we'd probably have a five year old and a three year old, by now. Imagine that.

Meanwhile, women who started trying years after me - their children are growing like weeds.

Well, one week to go in the two week wait. In the meantime, I am truly thankful for a comfy bed to crawl into, for feeling safe enough to come home and cry without explanation, and for a hubby who cuddles with me - and then just decides to go get me comfort (junk) food, rather than the healthy dinner that was on the menu. I'm so blessed!

And sad. Sad and blessed.

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. (Psalm 61:1-4)

Six years in waiting

As I may have mentioned, I'm currently in the dreaded two week wait; I test on April 11. Speaking of waiting, I realized yesterday, by glancing at my TTC ticker at the top of my blog, that we've been TTC for six years now. Six years in waiting.

Six (6!) years.

And a couple days.

I wonder if I can come up with a pearl of wisdom for every one of those six years? Can I think of six somethings, for six years, that I can say I came away with... Something that would make all this grief and pain and... this heartache - a little less empty?

See, it feels so meaningless and pointless - so needlessly cruel.

I've spent a lot of the six years wondering WHY. Wondering if I did something wrong. Wondering how to get the exact right combination of factors to work in our favor... wondering how to fix it. Wondering what the meaning in all of this is... wondering what I'm supposed to learn.

So let's see if I have learned six things, one for every increasingly painful and heart-wrenching year of infertility. I've never been one to be short on words or ideas, so I'm betting I can do it!!

1) Not everything happens for a specific reason.
Yes, God has a plan, but that doesn't mean every thing happens because of a specific reason. Telling that to someone in despair is likely going to hurt them more than they already are. I think this is sort of a generic optimism, not a Christian teaching. I'm not Bible scholar, but I know this: we live in a fallen world. Illness, grief, death, and general ugliness are all consequences of this fallen world. Infertility is an illness, like so many others. Did I do something to deserve it? No! Hmm, did I do anything to deserve all my blessings? No... Can good somehow come out of this horror? I only see now with a veil over my face, but yes - I believe so. That may not mean I get the outcome I want, but it means that God is still at work in me and that "His grace is sufficient for me." (2 Corinthians 12:9) Trusting in that is a comfort to me, not the thought that this is all happening for some grand reason.

2) God is (still) so good; my circumstances do not change God's goodness!
With all my heart, I believe this. There are probably a bazillion verses to support this, but this one is striking me right now, perhaps because "brokenhearted and crushed in spirit" have been my middle names for these six years. Yet I still know, from the depths of my being, that God - Is - Good. Through it all, I still know how incredibly blessed I am.

Psalm 34:17-19 "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all."

3) Clubs are not always of our choosing!
In my early years of IF, I had the love and comfort of my husband, which is the most priceless of my earthly blessings!!! I still do, of course! I am constantly amazed at his love and goodness to me!! I can't emphasize this enough, I just don't have the words! Even so, I now know this with certainty: an infertile woman needs the companionship of fellow infertile women. It was lonely to know no one else who had this problem - and mind you, I already have completely amazing, long - long time friends in my life. They are wonderful! Yet I felt like a freak, the one person in the world who couldn't manage to do one of the most basic things a woman's body is supposed to do. So few people can really understand it, so there's a lot of suffering in silence... a lot of walking wounded. Well, it was really only the last couple years that I started looking at groups online - lurking from a distance. It was only a year ago when I started this blog and found a couple friends through it, and when I took a risk and joined a private Facebook group. These have been just God-sends to me!!! I am not alone!! There are people who understand. I wish so much, for their sake, that they didn't understand... Yet I'm so grateful that if we have to go through this, we don't have to go through it alone. Community. We were made for community. I have been so blessed in this way. I have become part of a club that none of us wants to be in, but the friends I've met in this club are just more precious than gold to me!

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” (C.S. Lewis)

4) Reaching out for help is not only ok, it's vital:
It was also a year ago I started talking to my doctor about the panic attacks. I'm so glad I did. I suffered a lot longer than I should have because I felt ashamed, and because I felt I could and should beat it by myself. I'm strong, right? Wrong!! I am not as strong as I liked to think I am, and that's ok. This has all made me such a crusader for more openness, and less shame. Life is not easy. We all need some help sometimes. There is no shame in this. The only shame would be in living a life of defeat because we're too proud to just say "Hey, I need some help - I'm not doing so great here..."

II Corinthians 1:3-5 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

5) Writing is good therapy!
When I first acknowledged the panic was starting to become a major interference in my life, I sort of randomly decided to start a blog. Journaling and blogging were never activities I was interested in - at all, I didn't see the value. And then... I came to the point in my life where I could barely get in a car and drive somewhere without completely freaking out. It took all my energy to hide the anxiety and grief from the world, only my darling Ar knew. It was exhausting, and insult to injury, really... At this point, all I knew or cared about was that I needed to get it out. There was a big ugly jumble bangin' around up there in between my ears, and it needed to be let out. Writing has been an amazing outlet for me; I feel like it was the beginning of things turning around. The quote below completely resonates with me!

“People who engage in expressive writing report feeling happier and less negative than before writing. Similarly, reports of depressive symptoms, rumination, and general anxiety tend to drop in the weeks and months after writing about emotional upheavals.” ("Writing to Heal" by Dr. James W. Pennebaker, Department of Psychology, The University of Texas)

6) "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."
Hope is the most bitter of sweets, isn't it? Hey, it springs eternal, right? My blog subtitle says so, so it must be! I think I've never known people with more hope than those of us childless mothers. We hope, and we hope, and we hope. Despite all odds, we hope. Despite all our experience, we hope. Despite all evidence to the contrary, we hope. Hope keeps us alive. Hope unfulfilled, or deferred, crushes us to our very depths. Every month we go through this cycle of hope against all hope, and crushing despair. The more we hope, the harder we fall. And still, we hope.

Proverbs 30:15-16 “There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, ‘Enough!’: the grave, the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’"

But I have learned, in these six years, that my true hope must not be in reproductive medicine, or traditional Chinese medicine, or this or that supplement, in full fat dairy, or my own strength - or in the optimism of the world. Truth is, my hope of motherhood may never be satisfied. It may be a sadness I take to my grave. But my hope must remain in Him, the only true Hope. It is hard. This is hard. And this veil in front of my face doesn't help... but my Hope, my Hopest of Hopes remains in Him.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 “Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, And whose hope is the LORD. For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, Which spreads out its roots by the river, And will not fear when heat comes; But its leaf will be green, And will not be anxious in the year of drought, Nor will cease from yielding fruit.”

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So there you have it, six thoughts for six years. A lot of this was probably redundant if you've been reading my blog already, but hey - my six years, my six thoughts, right? ☺ Besides, summarizing things like this always helps me. I have a decent memory, but sometimes it's good to keep our eyes on the big picture. Wishing you peace and love tonight! ♥

Still waiting....

Yep, still waiting. I must say, I'm so happy I wrote out the last post called Feet Grabbing Monsters, which was about the second guessing of everything. It gets really bad during the two week wait. Writing always helps me, though. It helps me release and refocus. Since I wrote that, I've been much better about not second guessing and trying to control everything. Don't get me wrong, the thoughts do still pop into my head, of course they do. I think it's just the nature of this game. A lot of "hurry up and wait." However, when the thoughts pop in now, I catch them - and don't let them carry me away. Writing it out helps me that way.

Although, who knows - feeling kicky pangs in my belly at 12 noon is probably totally me turning pregnant right!? It couldn't possibly just be that I'm hungry for lunch, right? Nah!! That's crazy talk - definitely pregnant!!! Har!!

Anyhow, it's been a pretty peaceful week so far. Just hoping some good things are going on in that big ole belly of mine. I've been crazy tired, though. I definitely think it's the Prometrium that knocks me out. I tell ya, especially after popping one in at 7 am every morning, I could just fall back and sleep all day, it seems. I definitely feel good though. When I get up, I feel fine... it's just I can sleep and sleep... Add in some bizarro dreams and it's a heckuva fun two week wait!!

I've also been walking or working out most days - at least four days a week - so I'm feeling really good about that. I'm trying to build back up my endurance, as I've been terrible about working out the last couple years... Once the panic attacks started, a lot of things went out the window. Time to haul them right back in the window!! I've also been back to tracking my calories etc again. I always do much better when I track. So, just working on getting myself in better shape here.

And hoping, hoping, hoping!!

Have I posted the following before? Maybe I did, but it's what comes to mind lately. I'm sure you'll forgive me if it's a repeat scripture. ♥

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)