A dweam wifin a dweeeam....

Last night I dreamed that I was sashaying (actually sashaying!!!!!) down the street singing... no, more like - exuberantly belting out - the following tune,

"You've got to.... laugh a little... cry a little... until the clouds roll by a little.... That's the story of... that's the glory of... love..."

And all the people on all the streets were absolutely moved!! And no, I don't mean they all ran away from my awful singing - I mean that they LOVED ME!!!! They were mesmerized! It was seriously the best dream ever!!!!

Truth be told, I love to sing - and have no real shame about how awful I sound - so this dream was like a dweeam wifin a dweeeeam for me!! (That's dream within a dream, in case you're not a Princess Bride fan.)

Anyhow, I mentioned my dweam, errr, dream, this morning on Facebook. One of my friends responded with this, "Oh. My. Goodness. Gosh I love your posts. If you had a blog, I'm telling you, you'd get your own t.v. show..." Of course my ego loves the positive feedback on my humor, but I found her comment today to be beyond amusing since, in fact - if you're reading this you already know this - I already have a blog.

Of course, only Ar and two friends actually know about this blog, other than the friends I've met out here in Blogville. AND, as you also know, my blog is just not particularly entertaining at all! It's not intended to be. It may actually be downright depressing and whiny, come to think of it... But it's also been therapeutic. In any case, her remark was pretty hysterical in the, "isn't it ironic?" department.

Anyhow, it really made me think though. IF has actually kind of given me something good. It's taught me who my very truest friends are. Those who can really know me - struggles and laughs and everything in between - and still love me. They may be fewer than I'd thought, but that makes them all the more golden. I'm so grateful for this!

And I do love to laugh and to make others laugh, so thank God for all manner of friends. Those I can laugh with, those I can cry with - and especially those who I can do both with.

(Ar is most definitely included in that group of friends who love in laughter and tears, through thick and thin... even though the stinker says we're not friends because we're better than friends - but I insist that we're both!!!)

Well, again with the irony... this whole thought process started with a dream about me randomly singing the Glory of Love, which is actually quite fitting. So, I'll close with some Bette today. Enjoy!

If I stand

Well, in exactly two weeks - fourteen little days - I will be forty years old. There is no turning back and no slowing things down. But on the bright side, in the last week, I've been given some incredibly helpful advice..... I've been told to not worry about forty, that "forty is the new thirty," that the forties are the best years, and that it's really not a big deal. Gee, if only I'd known that forty was the new thirty, I wouldn't have been upset at all. Silly me. Yeah, thanks for the empathy, my well-meaning, but unseeing, fertile friends! Yes, every one of them has kids already.

Thing is, I listen with concern as they talk about their motherhood and pregnancy difficulties... I don't understand why they can't try, for even half a second, to understand why I'm so freaked out about this. Oh well. In the meantime, the party planning is proceeding... I will turn forty and we will celebrate. IF is trying its darnedest to rob me of my joy of birthdays, but it won't take me down without a fight. Sigh.

Also in the last week, I've found out about three more pregnancies and two more births. Another will likely give birth any day now. I've literally lost count of all the pregnancies and newborns in my life right now. It's like a regular baby boom, these days - I can't keep track anymore. And good for them!! It's lonely here, but I would not want anyone else to go through this. I'm so grateful for the cyber company I've found in this journey, for the support and prayers - and for knowing that though this is lonely, I'm not alone in these crazy ups and downs. Still, I sure wish we could have all met up under better circumstances!! I do pray that better circumstances are around the corner for all of us!

In the meantime, what's a girl to do?

We're always walking such a fine line, aren't we? That line between hope and despair, trying to keep it all in balance... it takes so little to knock us one way or the other. In my experience, too much hope (who knew before IF that there could be such a thing as too much hope?) is a set-up for certain emotional disaster. But too much despair leads to the same place. So we try to carefully traverse that fine line - never daring to hope too much, but never wanting to give in to despair.

So, what is a girl to do, anyhow?

Besides feel a bit crazy, that is....

I wish this forty thing wasn't doing its best to throw me so far over that despair line? I mean, what is my problem? I love everyone's birthdays!! Hey - we were born! We're still alive - that's super awesome!!! Right!?! So what then - do I now think my reproductive parts know it's almost my big four-oh-no? Maybe there's some actual alarm that will actually go off in my nether regions that will signal them to work even less than they already do? I don't know - guess I'll find out in fourteen days. I'm sure I'll let you all know! Who knows - maybe it'll be so loud that you'll hear it for yourselves... So, I guess if you hear some glass-shatteringly loud screeching sounds on Saturday, July 9, you'll know to just turn towards Minnesota and give a little salute for a fellow comrade.

So then.... what is a nearly forty year old girl to do? Most of the time I just don't know. I guess most of the time, I figure it's best to just keep on swimming.

But as I swim, I'll continue to try to cling to what I know.... that for the past thirty-nine years and fifty weeks, God has been good to me. He has been faithful. I trust He will not stop being good or faithful to me after forty. I don't know the expiration date of my potential fertility, but I do know that there is no expiration on God's love. I do trust in this. So if I stand, I will stand on the promise that He will pull me through.


But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. (Lamentations 3: 21-25)

Tacos and other endings

I just realized I haven't written anything yet in June. There's no particular reason for that... I've been thinking about it, I guess I've just been extra busy and haven't had as much time to mull things over. Though it's been said that the unexamined life isn't worth living, it sure can be a blessing to step back from too much examination, sometimes.

Ar has been home a lot lately - even on the weekends! This means I've had several very nice weekends in a row!!! I love when he's home! It's so much more fun!!! He'll soon start being busy with work again on the weekends, so I have to really take advantage when I can!

Still, here I am again... and despite the really nice last few weeks, I am having a bit of a meltdown today.

See, today is the first day of the last AF of my 30s. Weird!!!! I hadn't thought of it that way until today. I knew AF would probably show up today or tomorrow, and I wasn't terribly surprised when it showed up at work today. I tried to tell myself that... tried to say that I was expecting it... just take it in stride... tried to not let it get to me. I have plenty of experience dealing with it after all, right? But as I was walking from the bathroom back to my cubey, I realized that this is the last AF of my 30s.

Until today, there was some small.... miniscule... infinitesimally unlikely chance that I could still conceive a child in my 30s.... but now there is absolutely no chance of it. No last minute miracle. No hail mary pass into the endzone... nothing.

Sure, it could happen in my 40s... I'm not done yet. Not completely. Apparently there's still a 5% chance of conceiving in any given cycle. I'm assuming that refers to women who do not have PCOS, though...

"Fertility peaks in most women in the 20s, and gradually begins to decline in the late 20s. At around age 35, fertility starts to decline at a much more rapid pace. For example, in any given month, your chances of getting pregnant at age 30 are about 20%. At age 40, your chance of getting pregnant in any given month is just 5%."

The good news is that I've lost a few more pounds, but I'm still so far from where I think I should try IUI again...

I just feel like a freight train has hit me. I felt so happy the last few weeks... Ar was home. We were having fun. I've been planning my big 4-O bash... But now I just feel like I've been clobbered.

And there is just so much excessive fertility around me... so many newborns... so much happiness.

I did send a very nice note to my friend who just had her 2nd baby - I did this just today. After staring at her newborn pics on Facebook for about 20 minutes... taking every ounce of energy to keep holding back tears because I was at work and I have to have my happy face on there. I can't ever let them see me flinch, or so my boss has told me.

But Ar mercifully took me to lunch - tacos... my favorite. I appreciate him so much. But I just can't stop melting down....

And get this - I had an appointment with my therapist tonight, but I canceled. I just don't even want to go through the motions. I just wanted to be home. Besides, what can she say? What can she do? What's going to make a difference? What will make me feel better? Nothing. The only thing right now is that Ar took me for tacos today. I know he loves me no matter what. That's the only thing that even remotely is breaking through right now. I just feel so broken. Completely broken.

I guess that's all I have to say about any of that. Next time AF shows up, I'll already be 40. I'm sure my 40s will bring plenty more AFs... until they stop. And then.... ??? In the meantime, I just can't stop crying.

I'm not going to proof this or edit it, so forgive me if there are any typos or major flaws. I am just so tired. And everything hurts. And usually by now in my blog writing, some verse or song is popping into my head, but I am just empty right now. Nothing is coming but more tears. And so with that, I'll sign off for now.

Roundness

Of course, as you might have suspected, AF indeed reared her ugly head during my Honduran holiday. I did my best to ignore it, but somehow it wasn't until AF came that people started asking if we had kids. Sigh. That's just the way it goes, I guess.

Nobody was obnoxious about it though, so it could have been worse. The lovely - HOT - weather and sea-water was rather therapeutic! It still sucked, but probably less than it normally does at home, or when I have to trudge into work and be surrounded by the fertile masses. (Two more colleagues had their babies, while I was in Honduras, by the way.)

Anyhow, I just don't understand why it has to be this way. And why do I keep coming back to why. Is there a reason? If there is, what difference would knowing it even make? Would it hurt less? Probably not. So why can't I stop asking why?

More importantly, what should we do next?

No really... I'm asking... what should we do next?

I need to lose some major poundage, at this point... I am so, so, so very angry at myself for how much weight I gained when the dreadful panic attacks started!!! I'm just so angry!!! How could I let it happen? It was hard enough just dealing with my weight because of my PCOS, but then I just lost complete control!

How could I let that happen? Didn't I have enough issues already? Apparently I thought not, so I just went ahead and stress-ate myself into an even worse place... Nice work!

How am I ever going to get this off? How could I let myself lose even more time?

I'm almost 40.

And I've lost so much more time - so many more months.

Did I mention that I'm almost 40!?!

Ugh!!!

But truthfully, there was no way I could have gone through IUI or IVF with the panic attacks and out-of-control anxiety. I just couldn't have, I know this with certainty. It wouldn't have worked and it wouldn't have been good for me, or anyone. The treatments are hard enough as it is.

I really am doing so much better right now, overall, thanks to the meds and therapy. But I'm not totally there yet. I can't stop the meds yet, I still feel completely inadequate, and I'm still far too fat.

How much more time will I lose, while I work on these issues?

I am down 12 pounds since I started the meds, so at least I'm now moving in the right direction, but I have a long way to go.

Thing is, I've started to feel ready to jump back into IUI, at least... but shouldn't I wait till I lose a lot more weight and am doing better?

Round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows...


Deuteronomy 31:8: It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.

Infertile in paradise

I'm currently on vacation in one of the tiny Bay Islands of Honduras. It's beautiful and hot and beautiful!!! This is where my darling Ar was born and lived for his first 13 years, before moving to the US. It's amazing to finally see where he was born and all the places and many of the people that are so special to him. I see his adorable little ghost all over this place - and I love that best of all!!! I'm sweltering in the heat, but loving it! I especially love being in the water... mmm, so nice!!! Considering it was snowing in MN just last week still, which is absurd, by the way, this is more than wonderful!!

A funny thing here, though... the folks here are very different about weight issues, than they are in the U.S. Here they will just come out and say that you're big or fat. They don't care. And if someone tells them they're big or fat - they don't seem to care about that either. It's just a fact to them, it seems - like noticing you got a hair cut or something. It's wild. It's like their self-esteem is not in any way attached to their weight. Mine, unfortunately, is. I've always kind of known this about Ar's family, but because they live in Massachusetts and we in Minnesota, we don't see them enough to really have it impact me. And truly, they're wonderful folks and I think they're great, so I've tried to not worry about that. But here, it's much more frequent. Here, every day someone is saying something about how big I am. UGH!!!! In fairness, many of them are saying I'm so "big and beautiful" and things like that... and seem to somehow mean it in a not-so-terrible way. But still, I hate this part! I had to fight a lot of my anxiety issues to get here, despite how much I did want to come, so that part is pretty difficult for me. My dear Ar keeps reminding me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. He's so good to me. But yeah... that's one of the strange things here, for me.

Thankfully no one has asked me when we're going to have kids, so far... we still have a week left here (for two weeks total.) I've been dreading that question - as I always do. Though his immediate family all live in the states, he still has a lot of family here, so it seems likely it could happen. We'll see.

But there are a ton of little ones around and like three couples who just had twins! And I'm also hearing stories about women with several children - who all have different dads, and I'm not saying that with judgment - of course some of them are still wonderful moms, but somehow it hurts a bit to hear... is that wrong? Is that too judgy? Some of the stories are just more than a bit difficult for an infertile woman to hear.

Yeah, with my insider's view, I see that there is a fair amount of sadness here, in paradise - as well as beauty and wonder! All of this is true in the states, too, of course! And everywhere, I imagine - short of Heaven. I guess I just don't see a lot of it in our personal lives back home, so I can distance myself a bit from it. Still, you hear things on the news and such that are just unbelievable. I can't help but once again wonder why so many kids are born into situations that are so very difficult and sad. I have a husband who adores me and I him... we're by no means financially well-off, but we do fine and can take care of things. We would do alright!

I never fully understand this, this... discrepancy in parenting, or whatever you call it . Obviously, there are tons of wonderful, imperfect but loving, parents - but then there are the others, who put their children into varying degrees of heartbreaking situations, over and over again. We all have heard about them.

It sort of relieves my worries that I would be a terrible mother... I just don't think that's true - it's not true. I'd be a very imperfect, but loving mother. And though that's more than I can say for much of what I hear and see, I have to remember that, though I do believe in God's love and providence, that doesn't necessarily dictate who gets a child...

Infertility is not a judgement, it's a medical condition, one way or another. When sin came into the world, so did disease and illness and heartbreak. I sometimes have to remind myself of this. I believe it, but sometimes I struggle with my feelings and worries about this.

Honestly, I have a hard time with this concept because I believe so much in the power and love of God - and I believe in miracles, so I wrestle with this concept.... I wrestle with, if God loves me and God can make miracles, why not this? And why do they get this, when they clearly do not take care of their children. God loves them too, of course... I don't know. Yeah, despite my feelings, I know that one would be hard-pressed to argue that fertility is given based on merit or qualifications, so I need to start cutting myself some slack on this - keep fighting those nagging doubts.

Anyhow, maybe it's just why not ---- yet? I hope so, but it may not be. In any case, I certainly don't believe that God is some jolly Santy Claus figure in the sky, just waiting to dole out whatever I want, so I don't know how to resolve this just yet. I know that there's more than this world, and there is more than this problem of mine. There is more, and I am more. And I know He loves me way more than I can ask or imagine, so I will continue to try to walk forward in faith that He is making all things beautiful in their time.

In related news, I also think I should be getting AF any day now. Paradise has me a little off on what time in my cycle it is, but I can feel it coming on... I guess if it really comes, that will ruin that myth that infertiles just need to go on a lovely holiday, relax and they'll magically become pregnant. Bummer! I was really counting on that one... ha ha.

Oh well, maybe paradise will soften that blow a bit. I hope so!

Either way, early morning meetings snorkeling in the sea with Ar, followed by banana pancakes or eggs, beans, and tortillas is far superior to early morning meetings at work. This I know for sure.

Also, it's a fact that darling Ar is quite the guy - and I'm so proud to be here as his wife, no matter how big and infertile I am!!! He doesn't care - he really doesn't... he simply loves me. What a thing!!!!

"The Tapestry:
My life is but a weaving between my God and me,
I do not choose the colors, He worketh steadily.
Oftimes He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.
Not till the loom is silent, and shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the skillful Weaver's hand
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned."
(Unknown author - at least to me!)

4-Oh my

I've been debating amongst myself about whether or not I should celebrate my big 4-O, which is just a couple months away. I've always loved birthdays, but this is a tough one. I never thought it would be tough, I mean, having an issue with turning 40 is so... so... trite. After all, isn't 40 the new black and all that? Yet here I am... almost 40 and the sound of pitter-pattering little feet is nowhere to be found - and I am freaked out!!

I read this past week that the chances of conceiving naturally after 40 go down to five percent. Five percent. 5%!!!! I don't pretend to be a great mathematician, but that doesn't sound real promising.... After all, I didn't conceive naturally when I was 35, nor with the use of acupuncture, herbs, Clomid, or IUIs, since then. In a few short months, my chances apparently will fall even lower. Gee, I wonder why I have a problem with turning 40.

Also, my mom lost my dad - her husband of 22 years - when she was only 40. I knew then that 40 was very young, but now here I am. And though I'm not superstitious and though I know it's silly and irrational, that really freaks me out. I don't know exactly why. It makes no sense. But it's there, another black cloud lingering over my head.

My mom already had three kids - out of the house - by the time she turned 40. I, the youngest, was a freshman in college when dad died. It astounds me to think now that she was my age when she lost her husband. They were married 22 years, and later this year will mark 22 years since he's been gone. Unbelievable!

Oh, how I want a little Ar pitter-pattering about!! Oh, how I wish I could have known him and married him when I was younger, but it doesn't work that way. I found my prince in my 30s... and that's just the way it is.

I just so want to share that gift, which seems just beyond my reach, with him. It's all such a miracle, and I want us to be part of it. I don't know, I just want it so much that it breaks my heart to see it slipping further and further away. I want my dad and mom to live on, too. I do have a niece and a nephew, but I want to be part of that. Is that selfish? Is it selfish to want to want to see the face of my darling Ar in the child that we create together? Maybe it is - honestly, I'm not sure. But it doesn't go away. When I think of how much I love Ar and how happy I am that we found each other, all I know is that I want to have a child with him. I'll take it all... the good, the bad, and the ugly. Or am I just not equipped properly to be a good mom? That's not true, is it?

Shake it off, girl - it's not true. That's not why.... Right?

Infertility is ridiculously cruel!!

In the meantime, 40.... and all I can hear is the slow, ominous creaking of a door closing. If I'm not equipped now, when will I be?

In other news, I came to tears at the Walgreens a few days ago, upon seeing this adorable little guy in a giraffe rain coat and zebra galoshes. He was the cutest little thing!! There was just something about him that just killed me. I just stared at this little guy. Then I had to hightail it out of there, before I burst into weepy tears right there. Besides, I think the kid's mom was starting to worry I was going to steal him. I assure you, dear reader, I had no intention of stealing him. But he sure was cute! A giraffe rain coat - oh my word... with zebra galoshes! Can it get any cuter?

Oh, how I want a little Ar pitter-pattering about, wearing mismatched mammalian rain gear!!!

Infertile and nearly forty. Who would have thunk it?

Nope, I never thought I'd mind about turning 40, but now I find myself wanting to hide under the covers with a nice bottle of Cab, instead of celebrating the life I've lived thus far... with all the goodness that really is in it. But I won't.

I have made a decision to embrace it as best as possible. After all, hiding won't change anything. I'll still be 40. I'll still be infertile (most likely, anyhow... that pesky hope still hovers around.) And I'll still have only a five percent chance of conceiving.

I'll also still have an amazing hubby, who I just adore. A hubby, who, amazingly, seems to adore me... infertile, fat, forty - me. I'll also still have a wonderful group of friends and a wacky, dysfunctional, but loving in their own way, family. I'll still have a sense of humor. I'll still be somewhat quirky. I'll still love to bake bread and other delicious treats. I'll still care very much about people. I'll still think Juke Box Hero is the greatest song, like --- ever!!! I'll still believe. I'll still have my Lord, who loves me more than I can even fathom.

Also, I'll still have (a little) time to pursue further treatment. I'd have to lose more of this anxiety weight first, though - and be in a better frame of mind. It was the right decision to take a break when we did. I realize now that anxiety really has plagued me longer than I thought. It didn't start with the panic attacks, they were merely an extremely unpleasant escalation of the problem. The panic attacks are what prompted me to get help, but the anxiety was there already, big time - probably since I was a tike, myself. Ah, but that's a story for another day.

At any rate, if I can lose weight and if we choose to try the next treatment steps, I believe I'll be in a bit better frame of mind for it. I don't know if that matters or not for my chances of success, but it matters for my overall well-being. But first things first. I have a 40th birthday to start planning.

Psalm 31: 14-16: But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hand; rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors! Make your face shine on your servant; save me in your steadfast love!

The Old Rugged Cross

On a hill far away, stood an old rugged Cross
The emblem of suff'ring and shame
And I love that old Cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain


So I'll cherish the old rugged Cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged Cross
And exchange it some day for a crown


Oh, that old rugged Cross so despised by the world
Has a wondrous attraction for me
For the dear Lamb of God, left his Glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary


So I'll cherish the old rugged Cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged Cross
And exchange it some day for a crown


In the old rugged Cross, stain'd with blood so divine
A wondrous beauty I see
For the dear Lamb of God, left his Glory above
To pardon and sanctify me


So I'll cherish the old rugged Cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged Cross
And exchange it some day for a crown


To the old rugged Cross, I will ever be true
Its shame and reproach gladly bear
Then He'll call me some day to my home far away
Where his glory forever I'll share


So I'll cherish the old rugged Cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged Cross
And exchange it some day for a crown...


Thank you so much, dear Jesus! Life seems so challenging to me, these days, but please - please help me to never lose sight of what it's really all about....

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. John 3:16 & 17

Back to Day One

Well, after being stocked with both pregnancy tests and AF supplies, you can probably guess which one ended up being necessary... This morning I awoke to find our world covered with snow, along with the unwelcome arrival of the dreadful AF.

So, that's just the way it goes, I guess. So far, I haven't had a major breakdown today. So I guess that's good. Usually AF puts me into a real state. Today I feel kind of numb, but I've been real busy today. Maybe I better stay busy, so I try not to think about it.

I am a little concerned because last month AF was a little late, as well. Before that, I have been 28 days, like clockwork, for ages. So, why suddenly 30 or 31 again? I guess I'll just have to expect that, from now on.

The snow did disappear over the course of the day. Wish I could say the same for AF.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34: 18

Live in the moment and hope for the best

Apparently a dog's motto is, "Live in the moment and hope for the best" - at least according to my coworker, who is the biggest dog lover I've ever met. I don't know if that's true or not, but it's not a bad motto. It's always been hard for me to just live in the moment. I guess anxiety and living in the moment don't exactly go hand in hand, and though panic attacks are new to me, I have come to acknowledge that the more generalized anxiety is not new to me. Still, I have do always hope for the best, so maybe I'm part dog....

AF is two days late. I'm honestly still not very hopeful about it, though, as this has happened before a couple times. The disappointment is so much greater, the higher my hopes get - so I try to be cautious. Anyhow, my body feels PMSy - not pregnant (from what I've read, that is), so I'm trusting my body and not getting excited.

Mind you, I'm not a pessimist; I'm an optimist with lots of experience... So I stopped off at the store tonight to pick up some EPTs -- and some extra AF supplies. I would like it to be true, but I'll be prepared either way.

Also, kind of a funny thing happened today. Ar and I are going on a trip next month, so we went to a travel clinic today to see what shots/meds we need. The questionnaire asked if I am pregnant or expecting to be pregnant soon. Instead of checking either yes or no, and though there was no space to actually write anything, I managed to squeeze in, "It's certainly possible, though not very likely."

The nurse read it, then looked back at me with an odd expression and said, "We don't recommend anti-malarial pills with pregnancy; you should avoid pregnancy for three months after starting them." I replied matter of factly, "Well, that shouldn't be a problem." Then she really gave me a strange look, so I said, "Well, it hasn't happened in more than five years, so I guess the odds are pretty low it'll happen in the next three months."

Meanwhile, Ar was muttering, "It might happen, babe, it might..."

I could tell the poor nurse was thinking, "Let's just stick to the travel medicines, crazy lady!"

I was amused by this little scenario. It seems my ability to interact normally in society has been somewhat compromised by IF. It seems I can't even answer a simple yes or no question on a medical questionnaire, anymore.

But I contend that being asked if I'm pregnant (when I'm two days late), or plan to be soon (when I really, really (really!) want to be) is simply NOT a simple yes or no question!!

Anyhow, I found it a bit humorous. No one else could possibly see the humor in it, though, so I posted it on an IF page I participate in. They totally got it.

I guess that's an interesting thing about IF. It puts you in this weird little club that none of us want to be in, but it sure is nice to have good company - even if you've never met any of them in real life.

Even if we all go on to have children, which I hope and pray happens, I think that most of us will never quite leave the club because IF will have left its mark, hopefully making us better parents and more caring, empathetic people. Whatever the outcome, I truly hope that we will all be better for it. For many of us, such a thought seems impossible. But with God, all things are possible.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

The days of snow and mothers

This I believe with all my heart: Spring should spring - not snow! It's mid-April and we woke up to snow covered ground... it was almost too much to bear. I certainly couldn't bare my toes, which is far and away one of my most favorite things to do.

Incidentally, I bared my toes four days in a row, this past week. It was a rather summery spring, for part of the week, anyhow. Then back to winter. This past one has been a very long winter. I really need for it to move on. But each time I feel the hope and warmth of spring again, winter laughs icily in my face.

I've never in my life been so obsessed with Spring, as I am this year. I've always loved it, of course, but this year... everything in me aches for it!! Aches for it?? Sheesh, a little melodramatic, wouldn't you say? Maybe, but it's as true as the fact that toes were never meant to be cooped up in socks and shoes! I need Spring to spring and stay sprung!!! Is that too much to ask? I need it as much as I need air!! Ok, maybe I need air a wee bit more... but you get the (snow) drift.

I need to know that at some point, the snow will stop. The cold will stop. The ice will stop. Every time I believe it's over, it just ain't...

But it will come to an end! I do believe that it can't last forever. I say this because it never has lasted forever before - at least not in my 39 Winters.

Even knowing that Spring and Summer will also be temporary doesn't make me want for them any less.

Don't worry, I'm not going to bore you with season analogies relating to my journey with IF and anxiety. Nor will I break out into a rousing rendition of "The Circle of Life...." Ok, it's too late for that, but at least you can't actually hear me singing it...

Anyhow, I wandered around a bit today, running a few Saturday type errands. Ar and I are going to Honduras next month (no snow there!!!), so I was also doing a little shopping for that.

Of course, the one down side to Spring - at least for an IFer - are the constant reminders of Mother's Day. Every store I went to, every commercial I heard... all reminded me that the both wonderful and heart-wrenching holiday is close at hand.

Don't mistake me, I love my mom of course! I think mom's deserve a day. I think they deserve more than one. But for anyone who is walking a mile in my toe-covered shoes, it's an incredibly difficult day. So much so that I don't even want to look through the card aisle, to find one for my own mother. (But I will.)

It's not just all the cards and brunches and flowers that get to me.... it's not just all the jewelry commercials, and it's not just that the pastor always calls all the moms to stand up, gives them flowers, and sings their praises... while I sit in the back, face down, hair falling around my face, trying my best to keep the raw clanging of my emptiness to a dull roar. Yes, it's those things, but it's not just those things. It's that every single Mother's Day, I think... "next year....."

Next year by Mother's Day, that'll be me! I'll be a mom next year!!! Next year! Next year. Next year? Next year.... I'm not even sure I believe it anymore, but that hope comes and goes, like the snow in Spring. (Sorry, did I just bore you with an analogy, after all? My apologies!)

Will it be me? Will it ever be me? I don't know. Unlike Spring, it's not inevitable that I'll be a mom. So that begs the question, how many more childless Mother's Days can I endure?

Well, I suppose the answer is simply, as many as I must. I'm resilient(ish), right? Well, I used to think so. I know one thing from this journey, I am not as strong as I thought I was. Still, this won't kill me, right. Right? But was Nietzsche right, that "That which does not kill us makes us stronger...?"

Well, I don't know about that, but I do firmly believe that the Lord will sustain me and that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion, so I will stand on the promise that He will pull me through even this. But you know, honestly, as firm as my faith in that is, it doesn't make it easier... (I don't think it's meant to.) I have to go straight through the hurt anyhow. There do not seem to be any shortcuts through it. I know this, because I've tried. It's dark, cold, and dense, and it's downright terrifying. And though Spring is inevitable - even in the midst of this dreadful season - it's so easy to lose perspective, if not careful. For whatever reason, though, it's for me to go through. (Note to self: remember, you're not in it alone!) (Oh, and ooops - sorry, I guess another little analogy made its way in there.)

In related news, tomorrow is Day 28. AF usually comes on 28 or 29. I have absolutely no hope this month, even though all signs were go on ovulation and such - and even though there's absolutely no reason why I shouldn't be pregnant. But I know I'm not. My, how pessimistic that sounds... Normally I'm full of anticipation and wild belief, followed closely by, what seems their constant - and unwanted - travel companion, despair. I guess I just don't have the energy for it this month. I don't have the energy for the fall (that one was NOT an analogy.) I just don't. And I really don't want to have to put on socks and shoes tomorrow.

Oh, please, dear Lord... please, maybe by next Mother's Day??

Oh, and one other request...

...Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.... Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. (Psalm 51:10-12)