If I stand

Well, in exactly two weeks - fourteen little days - I will be forty years old. There is no turning back and no slowing things down. But on the bright side, in the last week, I've been given some incredibly helpful advice..... I've been told to not worry about forty, that "forty is the new thirty," that the forties are the best years, and that it's really not a big deal. Gee, if only I'd known that forty was the new thirty, I wouldn't have been upset at all. Silly me. Yeah, thanks for the empathy, my well-meaning, but unseeing, fertile friends! Yes, every one of them has kids already.

Thing is, I listen with concern as they talk about their motherhood and pregnancy difficulties... I don't understand why they can't try, for even half a second, to understand why I'm so freaked out about this. Oh well. In the meantime, the party planning is proceeding... I will turn forty and we will celebrate. IF is trying its darnedest to rob me of my joy of birthdays, but it won't take me down without a fight. Sigh.

Also in the last week, I've found out about three more pregnancies and two more births. Another will likely give birth any day now. I've literally lost count of all the pregnancies and newborns in my life right now. It's like a regular baby boom, these days - I can't keep track anymore. And good for them!! It's lonely here, but I would not want anyone else to go through this. I'm so grateful for the cyber company I've found in this journey, for the support and prayers - and for knowing that though this is lonely, I'm not alone in these crazy ups and downs. Still, I sure wish we could have all met up under better circumstances!! I do pray that better circumstances are around the corner for all of us!

In the meantime, what's a girl to do?

We're always walking such a fine line, aren't we? That line between hope and despair, trying to keep it all in balance... it takes so little to knock us one way or the other. In my experience, too much hope (who knew before IF that there could be such a thing as too much hope?) is a set-up for certain emotional disaster. But too much despair leads to the same place. So we try to carefully traverse that fine line - never daring to hope too much, but never wanting to give in to despair.

So, what is a girl to do, anyhow?

Besides feel a bit crazy, that is....

I wish this forty thing wasn't doing its best to throw me so far over that despair line? I mean, what is my problem? I love everyone's birthdays!! Hey - we were born! We're still alive - that's super awesome!!! Right!?! So what then - do I now think my reproductive parts know it's almost my big four-oh-no? Maybe there's some actual alarm that will actually go off in my nether regions that will signal them to work even less than they already do? I don't know - guess I'll find out in fourteen days. I'm sure I'll let you all know! Who knows - maybe it'll be so loud that you'll hear it for yourselves... So, I guess if you hear some glass-shatteringly loud screeching sounds on Saturday, July 9, you'll know to just turn towards Minnesota and give a little salute for a fellow comrade.

So then.... what is a nearly forty year old girl to do? Most of the time I just don't know. I guess most of the time, I figure it's best to just keep on swimming.

But as I swim, I'll continue to try to cling to what I know.... that for the past thirty-nine years and fifty weeks, God has been good to me. He has been faithful. I trust He will not stop being good or faithful to me after forty. I don't know the expiration date of my potential fertility, but I do know that there is no expiration on God's love. I do trust in this. So if I stand, I will stand on the promise that He will pull me through.


But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. (Lamentations 3: 21-25)