Roundness

Of course, as you might have suspected, AF indeed reared her ugly head during my Honduran holiday. I did my best to ignore it, but somehow it wasn't until AF came that people started asking if we had kids. Sigh. That's just the way it goes, I guess.

Nobody was obnoxious about it though, so it could have been worse. The lovely - HOT - weather and sea-water was rather therapeutic! It still sucked, but probably less than it normally does at home, or when I have to trudge into work and be surrounded by the fertile masses. (Two more colleagues had their babies, while I was in Honduras, by the way.)

Anyhow, I just don't understand why it has to be this way. And why do I keep coming back to why. Is there a reason? If there is, what difference would knowing it even make? Would it hurt less? Probably not. So why can't I stop asking why?

More importantly, what should we do next?

No really... I'm asking... what should we do next?

I need to lose some major poundage, at this point... I am so, so, so very angry at myself for how much weight I gained when the dreadful panic attacks started!!! I'm just so angry!!! How could I let it happen? It was hard enough just dealing with my weight because of my PCOS, but then I just lost complete control!

How could I let that happen? Didn't I have enough issues already? Apparently I thought not, so I just went ahead and stress-ate myself into an even worse place... Nice work!

How am I ever going to get this off? How could I let myself lose even more time?

I'm almost 40.

And I've lost so much more time - so many more months.

Did I mention that I'm almost 40!?!

Ugh!!!

But truthfully, there was no way I could have gone through IUI or IVF with the panic attacks and out-of-control anxiety. I just couldn't have, I know this with certainty. It wouldn't have worked and it wouldn't have been good for me, or anyone. The treatments are hard enough as it is.

I really am doing so much better right now, overall, thanks to the meds and therapy. But I'm not totally there yet. I can't stop the meds yet, I still feel completely inadequate, and I'm still far too fat.

How much more time will I lose, while I work on these issues?

I am down 12 pounds since I started the meds, so at least I'm now moving in the right direction, but I have a long way to go.

Thing is, I've started to feel ready to jump back into IUI, at least... but shouldn't I wait till I lose a lot more weight and am doing better?

Round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows...


Deuteronomy 31:8: It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.