g should spring - not snow! It's mid-April and we woke up to snow covered ground... it was almost too much to bear. I certainly couldn't bare my toes, which is far and away one of my most favorite things to do.Incidentally, I bared my toes four days in a row, this past week. It was a rather summery spring, for part of the week, anyhow. Then back to winter. This past one has been a very long winter. I really need for it to move on. But each time I feel the hope and warmth of spring again, winter laughs icily in my face.
I've never in my life been so obsessed with Spring, as I am this year. I've always loved it, of course, but this year... everything in me aches for it!! Aches for it?? Sheesh, a little melodramatic, wouldn't you say? Maybe, but it's as true as the fact that toes were never meant to be cooped up in socks and shoes! I need Spring to spring and stay sprung!!! Is that too much to ask? I need it as much as I need air!! Ok, maybe I need air a wee bit more... but you get the (snow) drift.
I need to know that at some point, the snow will stop. The cold will stop. The ice will stop. Every time I believe it's over, it just ain't...
But it will come to an end! I do believe that it can't last forever. I say this because it never has lasted forever before - at least not in my 39 Winters.
Even knowing that Spring and Summer will also be temporary doesn't make me want for them any less.
Don't worry, I'm not going to bore you with season analogies relating to my journey with IF and anxiety. Nor will I break out into a rousing rendition of "The Circle of Life...." Ok, it's too late for that, but at least you can't actually hear me singing it...
Anyhow, I wandered around a bit today, running a few Saturday type errands. Ar and I are going to Honduras next month (no snow there!!!), so I was also doing a little shopping for that.
Of course, the one down side to Spring - at least for an IFer - are the constant reminders of Mother's Day. Every store I went to, every commercial I heard... all reminded me that the both wonderful and heart-wrenching holiday is close at hand.
Don't mistake me, I love my mom of course! I think mom's deserve a day. I think they deserve more than one. But for anyone who is walking a mile in my toe-covered shoes, it's an incredibly difficult day. So much so that I don't even want to look through the card aisle, to find one for my own mother. (But I will.)
It's not just all the cards and brunches and flowers that get to me.... it's not just all the jewelry commercials, and it's not just that the pastor always calls all the moms to stand up, gives them flowers, and sings their praises... while I sit in the back, face down, hair falling around my face, trying my best to keep the raw clanging of my emptiness to a dull roar. Yes, it's those things, but it's not just those things. It's that every single Mother's Day, I think... "next year....."
Next year by Mother's Day, that'll be me! I'll be a mom next year!!! Next year! Next year. Next year? Next year.... I'm not even sure I believe it anymore, but that hope comes and goes, like the snow in Spring. (Sorry, did I just bore you with an analogy, after all? My apologies!)
Will it be me? Will it ever be me? I don't know. Unlike Spring, it's not inevitable that I'll be a mom. So that begs the question, how many more childless Mother's Days can I endure?
Well, I suppose the answer is simply, as many as I must. I'm resilient(ish), right? Well, I used to think so. I know one thing from this journey, I am not as strong as I thought I was. Still, this won't kill me, right. Right? But was Nietzsche right, that "That which does not kill us makes us stronger...?"
Well, I don't know about that, but I do firmly believe that the Lord will sustain me and that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion, so I will stand on the promise that He will pull me through even this. But you know, honestly, as firm as my faith in that is, it doesn't make it easier... (I don't think it's meant to.) I have to go straight through the hurt anyhow. There do not seem to be any shortcuts through it. I know this, because I've tried. It's dark, cold, and dense, and it's downright terrifying. And though Spring is inevitable - even in the midst of this dreadful season - it's so easy to lose perspective, if not careful. For whatever reason, though, it's for me to go through. (Note to self: remember, you're not in it alone!) (Oh, and ooops - sorry, I guess another little analogy made its way in there.)
In related news, tomorrow is Day 28. AF usually comes on 28 or 29. I have absolutely no hope this month, even though all signs were go on ovulation and such - and even though there's absolutely no reason why I shouldn't be pregnant. But I know I'm not. My, how pessimistic that sounds... Normally I'm full of anticipation and wild belief, followed closely by, what seems their constant - and unwanted - travel companion, despair. I guess I just don't have the energy for it this month. I don't have the energy for the fall (that one was NOT an analogy.) I just don't. And I really don't want to have to put on socks and shoes tomorrow.
Oh, please, dear Lord... please, maybe by next Mother's Day??
Oh, and one other request...
...Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.... Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. (Psalm 51:10-12)
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