Gifts galore and more

Hey, this girl actually looks quite a bit like me... kinda strange to find your doppelganger in clip art!! She has a better fashion sense than I do, though...

Well, the long awaited birthday is quite nearly upon us. I've taken the day off work, because I thought I should enjoy the last day of my thirties by not working!!! Although work was kind of fun yesterday... birthday weeks for me sometimes get a bit slacky. Lots of birthday lunches and cards and fun. One of the people I supervise brought me a chocolate croissant, which is one of my very favorite things, so that was a wonderful surprise. Then my friend K took me out for a lunch, which ended up going 2.5 hours!!!! YIKES!!!! That's a long work lunch, but that's ok for once in a while, right? :-O Anyhow, I love talking with my friend K. She's one of those people I don't get to lunch with often enough, but when we do, we just can't stop talking. We talk about such serious things sometimes, but just are cracking up laughing most of the time, anyhow! Then last night some other co-workers treated me to dinner, and that was really nice. I got a bunch of cards - all of which referenced the good ole, "forty is the new thirty..." or "forty is the new twenty..." By my calculations, that means that forty is the new fifty, right? Yikes!!! Hmm, then again, I never was great at math.

Also, tonight my dearest friend, L, is coming over for the weekend. She lives about four plus hours away, so we don't get to see each other enough! I'm really happy she's coming!! So she'll be here to help us ring in my 40th, which, dumb as it sounds, I just realized will be actually my fifth decade of life!!! Seriously, I only just realized that... I was commenting to someone recently about being about to enter my fourth decade... I mean, I'm going to be forty, right? That's four decades! But as I was speaking, I started to scratch my head a bit, and do a little math... "ok, 10 plus thirty, carry the one.... OH, I've actually already lived four full decades, haven't I? Hmmm. That means I'm entering decade five.... YIKES-a-ROONI!!!!" Yeah, well, I told you I never was very good at math... Good thing they have me in charge of a $5 million budget at work, huh? Ha!

Oh well, so it turns out I've already survived four decades of life. Good job, me!! For such a monumental occasion, I'd like to write about the four best gifts given to me, thus far.


1) My family - this might not be the traditional tribute to one's family, as my family was hardly traditional. We were as dysfunctional as they come!!! Alcoholism reigned over our family; it caused so much grief, and major communication problems that we still struggle with today - to a lesser extent, though. It took Dad away, way too soon, and we miss him. He was a good man, with a lot of demons to fight. But you know, this home, this family - they were a major force for better and worse, during my first two decades. Much of who I am was shaped there. For much of my first two and a half decades, I blamed them for a lot. I had anger about a lot of things. (Believe it or not, back then, I thought I NEVER wanted to have kids because what if I were like my parents? I would rather not have had children, if I couldn't be a good mom... gee, I kinda miss those days of not wanting kids!! Oh well!) But here's the thing... I was loved. I was always loved - and I never doubted that! Yes, there are some trust issues that I have to deal with, and honestly, some of my deep anxieties do clearly stem from that time - and the feelings of fear and lack of security and stability in our home. It was a very, very stormy time! But I see these things clearly, as an adult - I was loved. I was cared for. And I was taught about Jesus and about faith. And about hard work and commitment - even when the going is very rough. I also love my hair color - that comes from dad! So, what can I say, no one is perfect. Things were quite stormy. But I know that my parents did the very best they could with what they were given. They gave all three of us a better life than what they had. We are all happy, relatively successful people in good relationships. So, in the final analysis - my parents did ok. Life is hard and messy and they did the best they could. What more can I really ask for? I'm thankful for them.

2) My time at camp. It is a Christian camp in rural Wisconsin. Much of my second and third decade were spent there. Starting in Jr. High, I started working there weekends and summers. I did that through High School and part of college. Then in between my sophomore and junior years in college, I was held up at gunpoint in Milwaukee. Everything worked out ok, but it made me realize even more, that life is short - try to make the most of it. I was miserable in college and all I wanted was to be back at camp. So I talked camp into creating a full-time position for me. I worked there full-time for five years, as the food service director (i.e., chief cook and bottle washer). It was amazing!!! All my years there were amazing! At some point though, I realized, it was time to move on. I went back to finish a college degree. It was the right decision, but I miss camp every day. I have the best friendships from there. My friend L, who is coming tonight is from there. We met in 1986 and have been together ever since. Camp is the most special place in the world. During so much of the storms that raged in my home, I had camp. The Lord provided, through camp, the safety and security that I so sorely lacked at home. There was the Christian growth I needed. The people who walked the talk.... The encouragement. There was the feeling of accomplishment for my work there as the cook. There were the connections with so many people. The laughs - oh, the laughs!!! The stupidest things, we laughed about. The "Target Runs," which was the big special occasion of "going out." We'd all get dressed up and do our hair and makeup just to go into town and go to the Target store and then maybe for some ice cream. We'd ride there on this big blue bus, singing and being crazy. There was the most special camaraderie on earth!! Silly and wonderful! There was the mission: To know Christ and to make him known. There was the constant discovery of all the many and varied uses for duct tape.... I could write volumes about camp and how special it is. Maybe some day I will, but for now, suffice it to say that it was the best time. There isn't a day that passes now that I don't wish I could bend space and time to combine the best of then with the best of now. I'm thankful for what I had there, and what I carry with me from there.

3) My friends. I am just so grateful for the friends that God has blessed me with. Again, what I may have lacked in stability at home, was given to me in friendships. Those rare and beautiful - true - friendships. I have plenty of more surface friendships as well, and they have their place and they are enjoyable. But it's those rare ones I'm thinking of now. Those friends who have seen you through so very many chapters of your life.... who know you. Who know how stupid and silly you can be, how scared, how ornery and unreasonable - and love you all the same. Some of my very closest friends have been my friends since the early and mid 1980s (since the days of really big hair and blue eye-shadow) and others since the mid and late 90s. These are the people who saw me through those family troubles, through dad dying.... I'll never forget that L found out about my dad's death before I did (because I was out shopping - this was well before cell phones being the norm) - and found a way to scrape together change from her dorm mates in college, to take the bus to my college an hour away... she was there right after I found out. She stayed with me until my brother came and picked me up. These friends have been there for me in so many countless ways over the years.... spanning three of my four decades and counting. I'm thankful for these dear people, who for some strange reason really, really like me - even still.

4) Last, but not least, my Ar. He represents my fourth decade of life, and counting. My thirties were the decade of Ar. And overall, it's been a wonderful decade. He is everything I said above about my friends, but even more so. No one has seen me as vulnerable as he has. No one on earth loves me more fiercely and passionately than he does. I can hardly believe it, most of the time. Particularly in light of the infertility issues, he has seen me at my very worst - my panic attacks, my grief... and he loves me through it all. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me and will be with me, for as long as he has a say in the matter. By the time I had met him, at 29, I had started to think I might not ever get married. And after much soul-searching and prayer and study, I'd come to feel that that was ok. I didn't need to be married, I'd be ok. But then came Ar. He wasn't at all who I would have expected, had I expected anyone. We have the funniest differences and the weirdest similarities. Somehow we balance each other out just right. On paper none of it would have seemed right. No dating site would have matched us up, that's for sure... yet we are just right for each other. He is indeed the butter to my bread. I adore him. I'm so incredibly thankful for him. (And I so want to have his kids all the more because of all this. If I don't, at least we'll still always be us. And that is pretty incredible, in its own right!)

So there you have it, what I consider my four greatest, of many other, gifts on this earth. Though I did not specify, in this setting, such overarching gifts as God's love and salvation, and the strength that he gives me to face each and every tomorrow, please know that I consider these the mother of all gifts!! There is not a single gift above that I don't, with heartfelt praise, thank my Heavenly Father for, because:

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)

Infertile in paradise

I'm currently on vacation in one of the tiny Bay Islands of Honduras. It's beautiful and hot and beautiful!!! This is where my darling Ar was born and lived for his first 13 years, before moving to the US. It's amazing to finally see where he was born and all the places and many of the people that are so special to him. I see his adorable little ghost all over this place - and I love that best of all!!! I'm sweltering in the heat, but loving it! I especially love being in the water... mmm, so nice!!! Considering it was snowing in MN just last week still, which is absurd, by the way, this is more than wonderful!!

A funny thing here, though... the folks here are very different about weight issues, than they are in the U.S. Here they will just come out and say that you're big or fat. They don't care. And if someone tells them they're big or fat - they don't seem to care about that either. It's just a fact to them, it seems - like noticing you got a hair cut or something. It's wild. It's like their self-esteem is not in any way attached to their weight. Mine, unfortunately, is. I've always kind of known this about Ar's family, but because they live in Massachusetts and we in Minnesota, we don't see them enough to really have it impact me. And truly, they're wonderful folks and I think they're great, so I've tried to not worry about that. But here, it's much more frequent. Here, every day someone is saying something about how big I am. UGH!!!! In fairness, many of them are saying I'm so "big and beautiful" and things like that... and seem to somehow mean it in a not-so-terrible way. But still, I hate this part! I had to fight a lot of my anxiety issues to get here, despite how much I did want to come, so that part is pretty difficult for me. My dear Ar keeps reminding me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. He's so good to me. But yeah... that's one of the strange things here, for me.

Thankfully no one has asked me when we're going to have kids, so far... we still have a week left here (for two weeks total.) I've been dreading that question - as I always do. Though his immediate family all live in the states, he still has a lot of family here, so it seems likely it could happen. We'll see.

But there are a ton of little ones around and like three couples who just had twins! And I'm also hearing stories about women with several children - who all have different dads, and I'm not saying that with judgment - of course some of them are still wonderful moms, but somehow it hurts a bit to hear... is that wrong? Is that too judgy? Some of the stories are just more than a bit difficult for an infertile woman to hear.

Yeah, with my insider's view, I see that there is a fair amount of sadness here, in paradise - as well as beauty and wonder! All of this is true in the states, too, of course! And everywhere, I imagine - short of Heaven. I guess I just don't see a lot of it in our personal lives back home, so I can distance myself a bit from it. Still, you hear things on the news and such that are just unbelievable. I can't help but once again wonder why so many kids are born into situations that are so very difficult and sad. I have a husband who adores me and I him... we're by no means financially well-off, but we do fine and can take care of things. We would do alright!

I never fully understand this, this... discrepancy in parenting, or whatever you call it . Obviously, there are tons of wonderful, imperfect but loving, parents - but then there are the others, who put their children into varying degrees of heartbreaking situations, over and over again. We all have heard about them.

It sort of relieves my worries that I would be a terrible mother... I just don't think that's true - it's not true. I'd be a very imperfect, but loving mother. And though that's more than I can say for much of what I hear and see, I have to remember that, though I do believe in God's love and providence, that doesn't necessarily dictate who gets a child...

Infertility is not a judgement, it's a medical condition, one way or another. When sin came into the world, so did disease and illness and heartbreak. I sometimes have to remind myself of this. I believe it, but sometimes I struggle with my feelings and worries about this.

Honestly, I have a hard time with this concept because I believe so much in the power and love of God - and I believe in miracles, so I wrestle with this concept.... I wrestle with, if God loves me and God can make miracles, why not this? And why do they get this, when they clearly do not take care of their children. God loves them too, of course... I don't know. Yeah, despite my feelings, I know that one would be hard-pressed to argue that fertility is given based on merit or qualifications, so I need to start cutting myself some slack on this - keep fighting those nagging doubts.

Anyhow, maybe it's just why not ---- yet? I hope so, but it may not be. In any case, I certainly don't believe that God is some jolly Santy Claus figure in the sky, just waiting to dole out whatever I want, so I don't know how to resolve this just yet. I know that there's more than this world, and there is more than this problem of mine. There is more, and I am more. And I know He loves me way more than I can ask or imagine, so I will continue to try to walk forward in faith that He is making all things beautiful in their time.

In related news, I also think I should be getting AF any day now. Paradise has me a little off on what time in my cycle it is, but I can feel it coming on... I guess if it really comes, that will ruin that myth that infertiles just need to go on a lovely holiday, relax and they'll magically become pregnant. Bummer! I was really counting on that one... ha ha.

Oh well, maybe paradise will soften that blow a bit. I hope so!

Either way, early morning meetings snorkeling in the sea with Ar, followed by banana pancakes or eggs, beans, and tortillas is far superior to early morning meetings at work. This I know for sure.

Also, it's a fact that darling Ar is quite the guy - and I'm so proud to be here as his wife, no matter how big and infertile I am!!! He doesn't care - he really doesn't... he simply loves me. What a thing!!!!

"The Tapestry:
My life is but a weaving between my God and me,
I do not choose the colors, He worketh steadily.
Oftimes He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.
Not till the loom is silent, and shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the skillful Weaver's hand
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned."
(Unknown author - at least to me!)

4-Oh my

I've been debating amongst myself about whether or not I should celebrate my big 4-O, which is just a couple months away. I've always loved birthdays, but this is a tough one. I never thought it would be tough, I mean, having an issue with turning 40 is so... so... trite. After all, isn't 40 the new black and all that? Yet here I am... almost 40 and the sound of pitter-pattering little feet is nowhere to be found - and I am freaked out!!

I read this past week that the chances of conceiving naturally after 40 go down to five percent. Five percent. 5%!!!! I don't pretend to be a great mathematician, but that doesn't sound real promising.... After all, I didn't conceive naturally when I was 35, nor with the use of acupuncture, herbs, Clomid, or IUIs, since then. In a few short months, my chances apparently will fall even lower. Gee, I wonder why I have a problem with turning 40.

Also, my mom lost my dad - her husband of 22 years - when she was only 40. I knew then that 40 was very young, but now here I am. And though I'm not superstitious and though I know it's silly and irrational, that really freaks me out. I don't know exactly why. It makes no sense. But it's there, another black cloud lingering over my head.

My mom already had three kids - out of the house - by the time she turned 40. I, the youngest, was a freshman in college when dad died. It astounds me to think now that she was my age when she lost her husband. They were married 22 years, and later this year will mark 22 years since he's been gone. Unbelievable!

Oh, how I want a little Ar pitter-pattering about!! Oh, how I wish I could have known him and married him when I was younger, but it doesn't work that way. I found my prince in my 30s... and that's just the way it is.

I just so want to share that gift, which seems just beyond my reach, with him. It's all such a miracle, and I want us to be part of it. I don't know, I just want it so much that it breaks my heart to see it slipping further and further away. I want my dad and mom to live on, too. I do have a niece and a nephew, but I want to be part of that. Is that selfish? Is it selfish to want to want to see the face of my darling Ar in the child that we create together? Maybe it is - honestly, I'm not sure. But it doesn't go away. When I think of how much I love Ar and how happy I am that we found each other, all I know is that I want to have a child with him. I'll take it all... the good, the bad, and the ugly. Or am I just not equipped properly to be a good mom? That's not true, is it?

Shake it off, girl - it's not true. That's not why.... Right?

Infertility is ridiculously cruel!!

In the meantime, 40.... and all I can hear is the slow, ominous creaking of a door closing. If I'm not equipped now, when will I be?

In other news, I came to tears at the Walgreens a few days ago, upon seeing this adorable little guy in a giraffe rain coat and zebra galoshes. He was the cutest little thing!! There was just something about him that just killed me. I just stared at this little guy. Then I had to hightail it out of there, before I burst into weepy tears right there. Besides, I think the kid's mom was starting to worry I was going to steal him. I assure you, dear reader, I had no intention of stealing him. But he sure was cute! A giraffe rain coat - oh my word... with zebra galoshes! Can it get any cuter?

Oh, how I want a little Ar pitter-pattering about, wearing mismatched mammalian rain gear!!!

Infertile and nearly forty. Who would have thunk it?

Nope, I never thought I'd mind about turning 40, but now I find myself wanting to hide under the covers with a nice bottle of Cab, instead of celebrating the life I've lived thus far... with all the goodness that really is in it. But I won't.

I have made a decision to embrace it as best as possible. After all, hiding won't change anything. I'll still be 40. I'll still be infertile (most likely, anyhow... that pesky hope still hovers around.) And I'll still have only a five percent chance of conceiving.

I'll also still have an amazing hubby, who I just adore. A hubby, who, amazingly, seems to adore me... infertile, fat, forty - me. I'll also still have a wonderful group of friends and a wacky, dysfunctional, but loving in their own way, family. I'll still have a sense of humor. I'll still be somewhat quirky. I'll still love to bake bread and other delicious treats. I'll still care very much about people. I'll still think Juke Box Hero is the greatest song, like --- ever!!! I'll still believe. I'll still have my Lord, who loves me more than I can even fathom.

Also, I'll still have (a little) time to pursue further treatment. I'd have to lose more of this anxiety weight first, though - and be in a better frame of mind. It was the right decision to take a break when we did. I realize now that anxiety really has plagued me longer than I thought. It didn't start with the panic attacks, they were merely an extremely unpleasant escalation of the problem. The panic attacks are what prompted me to get help, but the anxiety was there already, big time - probably since I was a tike, myself. Ah, but that's a story for another day.

At any rate, if I can lose weight and if we choose to try the next treatment steps, I believe I'll be in a bit better frame of mind for it. I don't know if that matters or not for my chances of success, but it matters for my overall well-being. But first things first. I have a 40th birthday to start planning.

Psalm 31: 14-16: But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hand; rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors! Make your face shine on your servant; save me in your steadfast love!