The Queen Me

Well.... I did it! I turned 40. It happened. And I daresay, I did it in style. Granted, it was my own unique, somewhat juvenile, style... but that still counts! There was no sad attempt to stop it, and no hiding.

When I started this blog, I was absolutely mortified by this upcoming milestone - at least in relation to my infertility. I'd like to tell you I totally got past that, but that would not be a truth. But alas, short of that final journey homeward, nothing stops the passage of time for any of us... no matter how much we may dread it, or even rejoice in it. The passage of time cares not. It cares not for our worries, our insecurities, our denial, or even our happiness or love.... certainly it cares nothing for our talents, or lack thereof, in the procreation department. It knows no stopping, no slowing.... and I regret to inform you that a watched pot does indeed boil.

And that's all ok by me, I guess... I mean, what good would it do me to resist it, anyhow? It's kinda one of those things, you know. So what then? I guess just this: make the best of what we have! Make the best of what we're given! Do our best where we are! Be good stewards!

My tune may change next week - or even tomorrow, mind you. Mayhaps I'm just basking in the glow of almost two weeks of par-taying! Of being treated like a Queen. I haven't settled into real life in my forties yet. It's quite possible that the Queen Me simply hasn't had time to really think or process any of it, now that I'm here.

But today a baby was in our office - one of the MANY, many pregnancies in my little dept of 32 people. I ignored the baby. I always do... I mean, if it were one of my closer friends I wouldn't, but why torture myself with the baby of someone who's kind of rude to me? Why put up the pretense? Carry on, carry on. I didn't cry. That's something, right?

Oh, did I mention that on day three of being 40, which was Monday July 11th, I came into the office to find my computer more or less blown to bits.... at least internally. There had been some really bad storms and they fried it... who knew my company didn't use protection against that sort of thing? Anyhow, so I had to find a new desk to use for the day. I went from desk to desk of the people out just a day because I so did not want to sit at the desk of any of the several gals out on maternity leave. That's mature, eh? Anyhow, because I have some special programs that I need, most computers didn't have those programs... you know it --- I ended up at one of maternity girls' desks. Bummer! Not only that, but she had all these congrats cards and gifts and signs up.

Yup - nothin' like being infertile at 40 years and 3 days - and having to sit in the cube of a coworker on maternity leave all day - surrounded by congrats paraphernalia. Sigh. Can't get any better than that. At least until you get your period later that same day. Good ole AF and her awesome sense of humor! Yup! This is a sadly true story.

My love of irony at least appreciated the scenario on some level.

Sigh.

Anyhow, I guess this is all just the way it goes... it's life. I have to deal with it. I have to keep laughing. And yes, crying if that's where I'm at... in either case, I gotta just keep moving forward. I feel better for having embraced it and laughed a bit.

I'll still avoid the non-friend coworker's babies though.

Anyhow, on to the really fun stuff! My birthday!! It was truly wonderful!

On Friday, July 8 - the day before my birthday - Ar and I hung out. He made me some cute treats and then we played some games outside - ladder ball and frisbee. Just fun! Then my dearest friend L came that night. She lives four + hours away. We went to Pizza Hut, because it's somewhat of a tradition... stemming back from the mid '80s. Then she and I made an ice cream cake for my birthday cake. Ar looked on, being as cute and adorable and sweet as ever!

The next morning - my 40th birthday - Ar woke me up at 6:30 am.... I'm seriously NOT a morning person, but he was standing next to our bed with a tray of chocolate covered strawberries and two glasses of champagne! (To which I said, "where's YOUR champagne, dear?" ) It was so amazing! Just so sweet and romantic! He dipped the strawberries himself!!! I LOVED it!!!! He wanted to do a little something just him and me, before the day started... and since we'd be w/ L and others the rest of the day.... I loved it!!!

After that - a day of fun! Ar, L, and I went to get pedicures! Yes, I made my hubby get a pedicure! L and I get them every chance we get - and we manage to get them together maybe once a year... but how fun to have Ar get one with us!! He was seriously just too cute for words! He's such a good sport!!! However, he wants everyone to know that while he did enjoy the experience, he did NOT get any polish on his toes!!!! I did, of course... my toes are sparkly blue! Love it!

Next we went to a light lunch and then a small kiddy-land amusement park. Brave of me, right? Well, I absolutely adore the Tilt-a-Whirl, so it was worth the risk of seeing so many happy little families. Seriously, Tilt-a-Whirl is like the greatest fun - ever!!! So that was one of the main birthday things I wanted to do! L rode it with me as it makes Ar a little sick, so he was happy that L would go with me this time! (He's definitely put in his dues in the Tilt-a-Whirl department, after all.) It was such fun! Just pure glee!!!!

Next, L and I went to the beach... Ar went home to get a few things ready for the evening's festivities. The beach was super nice - a little sand, a little swimming! Mind you, this is just a small community beach, but it's a nice one. It's no Caribbean Sea off Honduras, but it is nice!

Next came the par-tay... About 15 of us gathered at one of my favorite restaurants - it was a nice evening, so we sat on the patio... it was quite lovely! Ar had gone early to decorate, and arrange a few things. All my most favorite friends from this area were there! Even my very, very, verrrrry pregnant friend made it! She had been uncertain because she was due any minute, but she and her hubby are some of those friends I mentioned in my earlier post, who have been friends since the early/mid 80s... so, long-time and very dear friends!!! She was the person at the par-tay that I've actually known the longest. My most recent friends at that party were friends I met in 2001. It's such a blessing to have the friends I have!!! Anyhow, I loved every minute!! '

Oh, and at dinner, Ar was showing everyone the photo book of our special Honduras trip. He loves that book so much!! That makes me very happy! I think everyone else really enjoyed seeing and hearing more about it. It's not too long , so it's not annoying to anyone. Then after dinner was bowling!! I'm a truly terrible bowler, but it is good fun!!

Yes, it was quite the fun-filled, somewhat juvenile day....

Next day we went to church and then hung out a bit, before L had to go.

Then the following week was full of birthday lunches. Then Thursday night, a good work friend threw a par-tay for me with work friends, at her house. That was really, really fun too!

Then on the weekend, it was on to Milwaukee for more.... I'm originally from Milwaukee - which is about 6 hours away from where I live now. So this past Saturday was par-taying with my family, and then another very lovely par-tay with some more of my oldest and dearest friends.

To sum up, I was treated like a Queen for the past almost two weeks. Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.

Especially since, sadly, the Queen cannot seem to produce an heir to the throne.

But she still knows how to have a good time... and certainly knows how to surround herself with good people. And she knows she is greatly blessed.

So.... just keep on keepin' on, right! I've made it this far, after all. I've learned a few things along the way, I've kept good company - and I do have faith. So, as always, some days will be better, prouder days than others... but I'll own them all, for they are the days that were given to me. And I'll pray that I may be the exception... that my miracle could still happen. I know the odds are against me, but heck if I'm ready to stop hoping now. We'll see about tomorrow, tomorrow....

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Tacos and other endings

I just realized I haven't written anything yet in June. There's no particular reason for that... I've been thinking about it, I guess I've just been extra busy and haven't had as much time to mull things over. Though it's been said that the unexamined life isn't worth living, it sure can be a blessing to step back from too much examination, sometimes.

Ar has been home a lot lately - even on the weekends! This means I've had several very nice weekends in a row!!! I love when he's home! It's so much more fun!!! He'll soon start being busy with work again on the weekends, so I have to really take advantage when I can!

Still, here I am again... and despite the really nice last few weeks, I am having a bit of a meltdown today.

See, today is the first day of the last AF of my 30s. Weird!!!! I hadn't thought of it that way until today. I knew AF would probably show up today or tomorrow, and I wasn't terribly surprised when it showed up at work today. I tried to tell myself that... tried to say that I was expecting it... just take it in stride... tried to not let it get to me. I have plenty of experience dealing with it after all, right? But as I was walking from the bathroom back to my cubey, I realized that this is the last AF of my 30s.

Until today, there was some small.... miniscule... infinitesimally unlikely chance that I could still conceive a child in my 30s.... but now there is absolutely no chance of it. No last minute miracle. No hail mary pass into the endzone... nothing.

Sure, it could happen in my 40s... I'm not done yet. Not completely. Apparently there's still a 5% chance of conceiving in any given cycle. I'm assuming that refers to women who do not have PCOS, though...

"Fertility peaks in most women in the 20s, and gradually begins to decline in the late 20s. At around age 35, fertility starts to decline at a much more rapid pace. For example, in any given month, your chances of getting pregnant at age 30 are about 20%. At age 40, your chance of getting pregnant in any given month is just 5%."

The good news is that I've lost a few more pounds, but I'm still so far from where I think I should try IUI again...

I just feel like a freight train has hit me. I felt so happy the last few weeks... Ar was home. We were having fun. I've been planning my big 4-O bash... But now I just feel like I've been clobbered.

And there is just so much excessive fertility around me... so many newborns... so much happiness.

I did send a very nice note to my friend who just had her 2nd baby - I did this just today. After staring at her newborn pics on Facebook for about 20 minutes... taking every ounce of energy to keep holding back tears because I was at work and I have to have my happy face on there. I can't ever let them see me flinch, or so my boss has told me.

But Ar mercifully took me to lunch - tacos... my favorite. I appreciate him so much. But I just can't stop melting down....

And get this - I had an appointment with my therapist tonight, but I canceled. I just don't even want to go through the motions. I just wanted to be home. Besides, what can she say? What can she do? What's going to make a difference? What will make me feel better? Nothing. The only thing right now is that Ar took me for tacos today. I know he loves me no matter what. That's the only thing that even remotely is breaking through right now. I just feel so broken. Completely broken.

I guess that's all I have to say about any of that. Next time AF shows up, I'll already be 40. I'm sure my 40s will bring plenty more AFs... until they stop. And then.... ??? In the meantime, I just can't stop crying.

I'm not going to proof this or edit it, so forgive me if there are any typos or major flaws. I am just so tired. And everything hurts. And usually by now in my blog writing, some verse or song is popping into my head, but I am just empty right now. Nothing is coming but more tears. And so with that, I'll sign off for now.

Roundness

Of course, as you might have suspected, AF indeed reared her ugly head during my Honduran holiday. I did my best to ignore it, but somehow it wasn't until AF came that people started asking if we had kids. Sigh. That's just the way it goes, I guess.

Nobody was obnoxious about it though, so it could have been worse. The lovely - HOT - weather and sea-water was rather therapeutic! It still sucked, but probably less than it normally does at home, or when I have to trudge into work and be surrounded by the fertile masses. (Two more colleagues had their babies, while I was in Honduras, by the way.)

Anyhow, I just don't understand why it has to be this way. And why do I keep coming back to why. Is there a reason? If there is, what difference would knowing it even make? Would it hurt less? Probably not. So why can't I stop asking why?

More importantly, what should we do next?

No really... I'm asking... what should we do next?

I need to lose some major poundage, at this point... I am so, so, so very angry at myself for how much weight I gained when the dreadful panic attacks started!!! I'm just so angry!!! How could I let it happen? It was hard enough just dealing with my weight because of my PCOS, but then I just lost complete control!

How could I let that happen? Didn't I have enough issues already? Apparently I thought not, so I just went ahead and stress-ate myself into an even worse place... Nice work!

How am I ever going to get this off? How could I let myself lose even more time?

I'm almost 40.

And I've lost so much more time - so many more months.

Did I mention that I'm almost 40!?!

Ugh!!!

But truthfully, there was no way I could have gone through IUI or IVF with the panic attacks and out-of-control anxiety. I just couldn't have, I know this with certainty. It wouldn't have worked and it wouldn't have been good for me, or anyone. The treatments are hard enough as it is.

I really am doing so much better right now, overall, thanks to the meds and therapy. But I'm not totally there yet. I can't stop the meds yet, I still feel completely inadequate, and I'm still far too fat.

How much more time will I lose, while I work on these issues?

I am down 12 pounds since I started the meds, so at least I'm now moving in the right direction, but I have a long way to go.

Thing is, I've started to feel ready to jump back into IUI, at least... but shouldn't I wait till I lose a lot more weight and am doing better?

Round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows...


Deuteronomy 31:8: It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.

Infertile in paradise

I'm currently on vacation in one of the tiny Bay Islands of Honduras. It's beautiful and hot and beautiful!!! This is where my darling Ar was born and lived for his first 13 years, before moving to the US. It's amazing to finally see where he was born and all the places and many of the people that are so special to him. I see his adorable little ghost all over this place - and I love that best of all!!! I'm sweltering in the heat, but loving it! I especially love being in the water... mmm, so nice!!! Considering it was snowing in MN just last week still, which is absurd, by the way, this is more than wonderful!!

A funny thing here, though... the folks here are very different about weight issues, than they are in the U.S. Here they will just come out and say that you're big or fat. They don't care. And if someone tells them they're big or fat - they don't seem to care about that either. It's just a fact to them, it seems - like noticing you got a hair cut or something. It's wild. It's like their self-esteem is not in any way attached to their weight. Mine, unfortunately, is. I've always kind of known this about Ar's family, but because they live in Massachusetts and we in Minnesota, we don't see them enough to really have it impact me. And truly, they're wonderful folks and I think they're great, so I've tried to not worry about that. But here, it's much more frequent. Here, every day someone is saying something about how big I am. UGH!!!! In fairness, many of them are saying I'm so "big and beautiful" and things like that... and seem to somehow mean it in a not-so-terrible way. But still, I hate this part! I had to fight a lot of my anxiety issues to get here, despite how much I did want to come, so that part is pretty difficult for me. My dear Ar keeps reminding me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. He's so good to me. But yeah... that's one of the strange things here, for me.

Thankfully no one has asked me when we're going to have kids, so far... we still have a week left here (for two weeks total.) I've been dreading that question - as I always do. Though his immediate family all live in the states, he still has a lot of family here, so it seems likely it could happen. We'll see.

But there are a ton of little ones around and like three couples who just had twins! And I'm also hearing stories about women with several children - who all have different dads, and I'm not saying that with judgment - of course some of them are still wonderful moms, but somehow it hurts a bit to hear... is that wrong? Is that too judgy? Some of the stories are just more than a bit difficult for an infertile woman to hear.

Yeah, with my insider's view, I see that there is a fair amount of sadness here, in paradise - as well as beauty and wonder! All of this is true in the states, too, of course! And everywhere, I imagine - short of Heaven. I guess I just don't see a lot of it in our personal lives back home, so I can distance myself a bit from it. Still, you hear things on the news and such that are just unbelievable. I can't help but once again wonder why so many kids are born into situations that are so very difficult and sad. I have a husband who adores me and I him... we're by no means financially well-off, but we do fine and can take care of things. We would do alright!

I never fully understand this, this... discrepancy in parenting, or whatever you call it . Obviously, there are tons of wonderful, imperfect but loving, parents - but then there are the others, who put their children into varying degrees of heartbreaking situations, over and over again. We all have heard about them.

It sort of relieves my worries that I would be a terrible mother... I just don't think that's true - it's not true. I'd be a very imperfect, but loving mother. And though that's more than I can say for much of what I hear and see, I have to remember that, though I do believe in God's love and providence, that doesn't necessarily dictate who gets a child...

Infertility is not a judgement, it's a medical condition, one way or another. When sin came into the world, so did disease and illness and heartbreak. I sometimes have to remind myself of this. I believe it, but sometimes I struggle with my feelings and worries about this.

Honestly, I have a hard time with this concept because I believe so much in the power and love of God - and I believe in miracles, so I wrestle with this concept.... I wrestle with, if God loves me and God can make miracles, why not this? And why do they get this, when they clearly do not take care of their children. God loves them too, of course... I don't know. Yeah, despite my feelings, I know that one would be hard-pressed to argue that fertility is given based on merit or qualifications, so I need to start cutting myself some slack on this - keep fighting those nagging doubts.

Anyhow, maybe it's just why not ---- yet? I hope so, but it may not be. In any case, I certainly don't believe that God is some jolly Santy Claus figure in the sky, just waiting to dole out whatever I want, so I don't know how to resolve this just yet. I know that there's more than this world, and there is more than this problem of mine. There is more, and I am more. And I know He loves me way more than I can ask or imagine, so I will continue to try to walk forward in faith that He is making all things beautiful in their time.

In related news, I also think I should be getting AF any day now. Paradise has me a little off on what time in my cycle it is, but I can feel it coming on... I guess if it really comes, that will ruin that myth that infertiles just need to go on a lovely holiday, relax and they'll magically become pregnant. Bummer! I was really counting on that one... ha ha.

Oh well, maybe paradise will soften that blow a bit. I hope so!

Either way, early morning meetings snorkeling in the sea with Ar, followed by banana pancakes or eggs, beans, and tortillas is far superior to early morning meetings at work. This I know for sure.

Also, it's a fact that darling Ar is quite the guy - and I'm so proud to be here as his wife, no matter how big and infertile I am!!! He doesn't care - he really doesn't... he simply loves me. What a thing!!!!

"The Tapestry:
My life is but a weaving between my God and me,
I do not choose the colors, He worketh steadily.
Oftimes He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.
Not till the loom is silent, and shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the skillful Weaver's hand
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned."
(Unknown author - at least to me!)

Back to Day One

Well, after being stocked with both pregnancy tests and AF supplies, you can probably guess which one ended up being necessary... This morning I awoke to find our world covered with snow, along with the unwelcome arrival of the dreadful AF.

So, that's just the way it goes, I guess. So far, I haven't had a major breakdown today. So I guess that's good. Usually AF puts me into a real state. Today I feel kind of numb, but I've been real busy today. Maybe I better stay busy, so I try not to think about it.

I am a little concerned because last month AF was a little late, as well. Before that, I have been 28 days, like clockwork, for ages. So, why suddenly 30 or 31 again? I guess I'll just have to expect that, from now on.

The snow did disappear over the course of the day. Wish I could say the same for AF.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34: 18

Live in the moment and hope for the best

Apparently a dog's motto is, "Live in the moment and hope for the best" - at least according to my coworker, who is the biggest dog lover I've ever met. I don't know if that's true or not, but it's not a bad motto. It's always been hard for me to just live in the moment. I guess anxiety and living in the moment don't exactly go hand in hand, and though panic attacks are new to me, I have come to acknowledge that the more generalized anxiety is not new to me. Still, I have do always hope for the best, so maybe I'm part dog....

AF is two days late. I'm honestly still not very hopeful about it, though, as this has happened before a couple times. The disappointment is so much greater, the higher my hopes get - so I try to be cautious. Anyhow, my body feels PMSy - not pregnant (from what I've read, that is), so I'm trusting my body and not getting excited.

Mind you, I'm not a pessimist; I'm an optimist with lots of experience... So I stopped off at the store tonight to pick up some EPTs -- and some extra AF supplies. I would like it to be true, but I'll be prepared either way.

Also, kind of a funny thing happened today. Ar and I are going on a trip next month, so we went to a travel clinic today to see what shots/meds we need. The questionnaire asked if I am pregnant or expecting to be pregnant soon. Instead of checking either yes or no, and though there was no space to actually write anything, I managed to squeeze in, "It's certainly possible, though not very likely."

The nurse read it, then looked back at me with an odd expression and said, "We don't recommend anti-malarial pills with pregnancy; you should avoid pregnancy for three months after starting them." I replied matter of factly, "Well, that shouldn't be a problem." Then she really gave me a strange look, so I said, "Well, it hasn't happened in more than five years, so I guess the odds are pretty low it'll happen in the next three months."

Meanwhile, Ar was muttering, "It might happen, babe, it might..."

I could tell the poor nurse was thinking, "Let's just stick to the travel medicines, crazy lady!"

I was amused by this little scenario. It seems my ability to interact normally in society has been somewhat compromised by IF. It seems I can't even answer a simple yes or no question on a medical questionnaire, anymore.

But I contend that being asked if I'm pregnant (when I'm two days late), or plan to be soon (when I really, really (really!) want to be) is simply NOT a simple yes or no question!!

Anyhow, I found it a bit humorous. No one else could possibly see the humor in it, though, so I posted it on an IF page I participate in. They totally got it.

I guess that's an interesting thing about IF. It puts you in this weird little club that none of us want to be in, but it sure is nice to have good company - even if you've never met any of them in real life.

Even if we all go on to have children, which I hope and pray happens, I think that most of us will never quite leave the club because IF will have left its mark, hopefully making us better parents and more caring, empathetic people. Whatever the outcome, I truly hope that we will all be better for it. For many of us, such a thought seems impossible. But with God, all things are possible.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

The days of snow and mothers

This I believe with all my heart: Spring should spring - not snow! It's mid-April and we woke up to snow covered ground... it was almost too much to bear. I certainly couldn't bare my toes, which is far and away one of my most favorite things to do.

Incidentally, I bared my toes four days in a row, this past week. It was a rather summery spring, for part of the week, anyhow. Then back to winter. This past one has been a very long winter. I really need for it to move on. But each time I feel the hope and warmth of spring again, winter laughs icily in my face.

I've never in my life been so obsessed with Spring, as I am this year. I've always loved it, of course, but this year... everything in me aches for it!! Aches for it?? Sheesh, a little melodramatic, wouldn't you say? Maybe, but it's as true as the fact that toes were never meant to be cooped up in socks and shoes! I need Spring to spring and stay sprung!!! Is that too much to ask? I need it as much as I need air!! Ok, maybe I need air a wee bit more... but you get the (snow) drift.

I need to know that at some point, the snow will stop. The cold will stop. The ice will stop. Every time I believe it's over, it just ain't...

But it will come to an end! I do believe that it can't last forever. I say this because it never has lasted forever before - at least not in my 39 Winters.

Even knowing that Spring and Summer will also be temporary doesn't make me want for them any less.

Don't worry, I'm not going to bore you with season analogies relating to my journey with IF and anxiety. Nor will I break out into a rousing rendition of "The Circle of Life...." Ok, it's too late for that, but at least you can't actually hear me singing it...

Anyhow, I wandered around a bit today, running a few Saturday type errands. Ar and I are going to Honduras next month (no snow there!!!), so I was also doing a little shopping for that.

Of course, the one down side to Spring - at least for an IFer - are the constant reminders of Mother's Day. Every store I went to, every commercial I heard... all reminded me that the both wonderful and heart-wrenching holiday is close at hand.

Don't mistake me, I love my mom of course! I think mom's deserve a day. I think they deserve more than one. But for anyone who is walking a mile in my toe-covered shoes, it's an incredibly difficult day. So much so that I don't even want to look through the card aisle, to find one for my own mother. (But I will.)

It's not just all the cards and brunches and flowers that get to me.... it's not just all the jewelry commercials, and it's not just that the pastor always calls all the moms to stand up, gives them flowers, and sings their praises... while I sit in the back, face down, hair falling around my face, trying my best to keep the raw clanging of my emptiness to a dull roar. Yes, it's those things, but it's not just those things. It's that every single Mother's Day, I think... "next year....."

Next year by Mother's Day, that'll be me! I'll be a mom next year!!! Next year! Next year. Next year? Next year.... I'm not even sure I believe it anymore, but that hope comes and goes, like the snow in Spring. (Sorry, did I just bore you with an analogy, after all? My apologies!)

Will it be me? Will it ever be me? I don't know. Unlike Spring, it's not inevitable that I'll be a mom. So that begs the question, how many more childless Mother's Days can I endure?

Well, I suppose the answer is simply, as many as I must. I'm resilient(ish), right? Well, I used to think so. I know one thing from this journey, I am not as strong as I thought I was. Still, this won't kill me, right. Right? But was Nietzsche right, that "That which does not kill us makes us stronger...?"

Well, I don't know about that, but I do firmly believe that the Lord will sustain me and that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion, so I will stand on the promise that He will pull me through even this. But you know, honestly, as firm as my faith in that is, it doesn't make it easier... (I don't think it's meant to.) I have to go straight through the hurt anyhow. There do not seem to be any shortcuts through it. I know this, because I've tried. It's dark, cold, and dense, and it's downright terrifying. And though Spring is inevitable - even in the midst of this dreadful season - it's so easy to lose perspective, if not careful. For whatever reason, though, it's for me to go through. (Note to self: remember, you're not in it alone!) (Oh, and ooops - sorry, I guess another little analogy made its way in there.)

In related news, tomorrow is Day 28. AF usually comes on 28 or 29. I have absolutely no hope this month, even though all signs were go on ovulation and such - and even though there's absolutely no reason why I shouldn't be pregnant. But I know I'm not. My, how pessimistic that sounds... Normally I'm full of anticipation and wild belief, followed closely by, what seems their constant - and unwanted - travel companion, despair. I guess I just don't have the energy for it this month. I don't have the energy for the fall (that one was NOT an analogy.) I just don't. And I really don't want to have to put on socks and shoes tomorrow.

Oh, please, dear Lord... please, maybe by next Mother's Day??

Oh, and one other request...

...Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.... Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. (Psalm 51:10-12)

The point of no point

I had my third appointment with my therapist, tonight. I guess it's been good. So far we haven't gotten to the relaxation techniques for my anxiety. I guess that's because I keep talking about stuff. I realize that it's nice to not worry about her feelings. I can just talk. Lately, with others, to some degree, I always worry. I'm always worried about saying something wrong. I don't want to overlook their challenges, just because of mine. And, I'm not supposed to be anxious and depressed. I'm supposed to be funny and jolly and have relatively interesting commentary on life... And I guess I continue to still sort of be that... at least when I have the energy. I'm not supposed to be how I feel, these days. Most people don't even know what I am going through, anyhow.

Why does it bother me that my friend with cancer posts on Facebook and Caring Bridge about her condition, almost every day - and gets this outpouring of support and love and prayers... I support and love her, and pray for her, too.

I told this to my therapist tonight and I said I think it's so ridiculous that I feel this way about my friend's Caring Bridge page... She has cancer. I don't want cancer, by any means. But somehow it frustrates me too, not because I begrudge her anything - I don't, but, but, but, but... where's my outpouring of support? I don't need casseroles, but don't I get anything for all this?

Sometimes I feel like I am just silently withering away, while my body walks around acting normal(ish) - except that it can't produce children.

My therapist asked me what it is I would want, if I could do a Caring Bridge page.

That's a great question. I honestly don't even know.

The only thing I could think of was that I would want maybe some modicum of sensitivity. I would want to not lose friends because they feel so guilty about my IF. I would want to have people know and care - actually care - but not act like I'm a leper.

Maybe I want people to actually see me. The funny and jolly, and the IF, and the anxiety and sadness. But there really are a few people, who know all that - and still love me, anyhow. Isn't that good enough? A few people who know me and love me is a lot!!! I'm so thankful!!! So what is this more I crave? Is is just a reflection of the emptiness I feel because I can't do this thing that I should be able to do?

Do I need to come-out to all, about my IF? Maybe. But I suspect most people do have an inkling. While I don't broadcast it, I'm not particularly secretive. But I am pretty sure that most people don't know what to do with it. IF is just plain weird. It's not a normal disease that others know what to do with. It seems that, for most people, there are only two options, in dealing with an IF person: ignore them, or say totally crazy things to them. And it seems to just go on and on and on. And on.

I was again told today to not worry about my upcoming 40th... the forties are great, my friend said. I replied that everyone tells me that, but they all have kids already.... She, who is 43 and has two daughters in their twenties, asked me if we've considered adoption.... Sigh. Maybe I'll just stay in the IF closet, after all. To any non-IFer that reads this, that may sound like a slam on adoption. Of course, IFers know that it's not. I do notice that no one gives my friend with cancer these sort of pat answers... Oh, just adopt. Ok, gee - thanks. I should have thought of that. Knowing my friend means well just doesn't really help.

I guess the bottom line is that I just feel really, really bad right now. I literally just realized... I'm due for AF any day now... Some months, I have that hope against hope. This month, not so much.

Looking back at what I've written here, I still don't know my point. But I think I need to decide I don't have to have a point. I can just write. Or cry. Or be funny. Or not. Points are optional, resolutions not required. My blog, my rules, right...


Psalm 42:5-11: Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. I say to God, my rock: “Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy? As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me all the day long,“Where is your God?” Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.