Get busy living....

or get busy dying....

As I wrote in my last post, we've decided to go back and see our RE. That appointment is on Monday. I have a surprising sense of peace about this decision. I don't know what the outcome will be, any more than I ever did, but I still find myself ready to face it for the first time in a very long time. My eyes are wider open, I have more emotional support and resources, and other areas of our lives are less stressful than they were the first time around. I hope these things make a difference to my attitude and response to the stress. I think they will, regardless of the outcome. I also have to choose that they will.

What I know from my "very late" experience last month, is that I really want to have a kiddo with Ar. I just do. I always knew that, of course, but I know it even more now. It's a heart desire - and that heart desire is a blessing in so many ways! It's also a curse, it seems, at times. Last month I allowed myself to believe it, to feel it. The joy of expectation and belief was indescribable. The disappointment was beyond brutal, but it left me with such clarity. I realized that I want this enough to face the ugly again. Last time, I didn't know how very ugly ugly could get... Last time, I went forward because I thought I had no choice. Now, this is my choice - I choose to go forward. Eyes wide open. Still hand in hand with the most amazing man in the world, but hopefully a little wiser in our travels.

None of this means anything to our outcome, of course, but I don't believe I can live with myself if we don't try. That's where all these last months, the panic, the anxiety, the wonder, the waffling, the waiting, the whys, the roller coasters... this is what it all tells me. It's time to move forward. I know better than ever that it may not happen. I may have to live childless. It will not be my choice, but what I can choose is to try.

So now, we wait.

So much of this journey is waiting, isn't it? Waiting and waiting - often hurrying up, just to wait some more. I wonder how much would all of our waiting add up to? And what should I be doing while I wait? In my recent past, much of that waiting has been filled with anxiety. This last week and a half, since I made the RE appointment, I can't say my waiting has been particularly productive, but at least it hasn't been anxious. But still, I can't help but feel the weeks, months, and years have passed by willy-nilly as I waited for my next cycle, my next opportunity. What can I do or be to to better use this waiting time? I'll have to think on that.

And so that quote from one of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption, keeps coming to mind, "Get busy living, or get busy dying." So much of IF feels like neither living, nor dying. Sometimes it feels more like dying. But it's not - unless we choose to let it be that way. Oh, Lord, help me remember that.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. Jesus came that we may have life and have it abundantly. (John 10:10)

IF is a mighty talented thief, isn't it? So can we be IF and still live abundantly? I mean, all the way abundantly - not the half abundant life many of us probably live... I can't be the only one that feels like she's been living two lives, can I? One happy-go-lucky, fun, fulfilling life, full of love - and one sad, anxious, fretting, scared, scarred, bitter, and empty life? Both are valid, both are real. What I wonder is, can I have one - one - abundant life, even while dealing with the angst of IF? I can't answer that from experience, but I believe that scripture would most certainly say so - and so does my heart, when I'm at peace.

You're perfect just the way you are....

...I wouldn't change you if I could...

That's the first song we danced to as hubby and missus, six years ago today.

It's been a heck of a six years - but after all we've been through, we have been through it together. Together! I'm certain there are not many lovelier words in all the world than "together."

I still wouldn't change him if I could. He is a prince among men, and my sheltering tree... We hurt for that which we do not have, but there is absolutely no doubt how grateful I am for this gift I've been given. It's pure grace.

Happy six years to us!!!

On the brink of a new married year together, it seems appropriate that we're again taking new (new old) steps forward. It just feels right. It doesn't feel like going backward, but definitely forward. I don't know what will happen, or where these steps will lead, but it's right to take them right now. I'm so glad I have Ar to take them with me!!! Today I made an appointment with my RE, for October 31. We'll see what he has to say. Either way, I won't be in it alone.

I feel at peace about it.

Now please enjoy a little Ricky Skaggs, in honor of darling Ar and me. :-)

The art of losing what you never had

This morning I woke up with AF. As much as that sucks to me, because I was secretly hoping I was one of the rare ones who gets a false negative blood test, I was glad that I got the blood test results last night - it made this morning's nightmare a little easier. Every night for the past week, I've been laying in bed imagining the good kind of what-if.... thinking, wondering, happy thoughts, you know. So that was one more reason to love my doctor - she sends me horrible news test results at 9:30 pm.

Needless to say, today was a very difficult day.

Thankfully, I had therapy scheduled tonight, more good timing! It was good just to talk and process the grief a bit. The grief over losing something I never had. As I talked, I realized that I may be ready to start treatment again. I've been on a longer break than I'd anticipated. Treatment was so hard - I was never so miserable than that time - and then we took a break. Then the panic attacks came, then a bunch of weight came. So... it's hard to want to go back there, but this last week of actually believing I was pregnant made me realize how incredibly much I want this.

I guess it all comes down to this: is the potential outcome worth the potential risk?

It really may never happen for us, but can I live without trying more? Is my fear so great that it'll stop me from taking the next step? Does that sound like something the bravest person in the world would do?

All that is well and good to inspire me, but the reality is that I'm forty, I'm fat, and IF treatment sent me spiraling into panic attacks before. I'm probably not the best candidate, so who knows if a clinic will even see me? In the spirit of nothing ventured, nothing gained, I just took a big step; I just emailed my GP doc telling her I'm ready to get back on the nightmarish IF treatment road again, if it's possible. We'll see what she says.

BFN

Still no AF today, so I went in for blood test today at 5:45 pm. At 9:30 pm they already had the results. Negative, of course. It shouldn't be a surprise. So why am I sitting here sobbing? Why did I have to ask Ar about daycare today? He works his own business, mostly on the weekends, so we were discussing him being with baby most weekdays. I thought how nice that would be for him... how wonderful he'd be!! How I'd come home every day for lunch... Why can't I just get it through my big, fat, stupid head - this is not going to happen for me!!! How many times can my heart be broken? I'm living in this nowhere land - never giving up and somehow never really believing, but definitely never giving up... How could I let myself believe this time? I actually feel pregnant. How can I let myself believe that? It just feels too much to bear right now. AF is cruel enough when she's regular - how can she be so cruel as to do this?

Dream, dream, dream... dreeeee-eee-eam...

So today is day 37 and AF is nowhere in sight. In the last five years, AF has been like clockwork. Morning of day 29 is the latest about 98% of the time! I've had just about two times when I went to day 30. Anyhow, as of yesterday, I've taken three pregnancy tests - all negative.

Some IF friends told me to contact the doctor, so I emailed my GP, who I think is awesome! Unfortunately, she's out of the office today. However, a nurse wrote back and basically said that there are many reasons for late period, including stress, cold/flu, and changes in diet/exercise. She said that I shouldn't rush to conclusions, but if I miss a second one to make an appointment. We'll see what my doc says though. I always feel like this nurse sort of blows me off. Like, when I finally acknowledged and gathered up the guts to email about my panic attacks in the spring, this same nurse blew it off, but my doc didn't.

Anyhow, I wrote back and said that I'm considerably less stressed than normal, of late, I don't have the cold/flu, and there have been no changes in diet/exercise... And that after TTC for almost 6 years, and going through incredible stress during it, this is the first time I have been late like this. So, we'll see what my doctor says. I'm sure it's just a fluke; I can't possibly be pregnant, right? Right!! Or could I? I mean, it's not impossible...

Meantime, I found myself this nice web page where all these women were talking about missed periods, negative home pregnancy tests, and negative blood tests - and then eventually confirming they were pregnant via ultrasound, at like 10 weeks or something. So, my stupid brain was reeling w/ these thoughts last night as I laid down... bad Heather, very, very bad Heather!!!!! (That's me, in case you were wondering! :-) )

I've also been having crazy dreams lately. The other night I dreamed that I was eating salt by the tablespoon full, straight from the blue Morton's salt container - and enjoying it very much. Then Ar walked in and said, "Hey babe!" I replied, w/ salt falling down my face, and holding up the salt container for him to see, "How much sodium do you think this stuff has?" Then I cracked up laughing about what I said - so hard that tears started falling...

I also dreamed the next night that I'd found a baby and thought she looked like Ar.

Last night I dreamed that Mike McCarthy (head coach of the very awesome Green Bay Packers) sent me a Packers onesie! It was adorable, but I was kind of angry with him for it because I felt he should have known I'm IF and how painful that is. After all, he lived down the street from me (in my dream). However, I couldn't set the onesie down, even though I was so mad about it - I just kept, sort of, hugging it to me... Bad, stupid brain!!!!!!

Please, Lord.

And yet........

I just took a pregnancy test. I couldn't resist. Despite how much I knew it had to be negative, all the way to work this morning, and so often throughout the day, I just kept turning back to it... that what if? After all, what if?

Well, not a big surprise, but it was negative. It's day 32. I should have waited.

And yet.... I also know that I'll take another one in the morning, being that first thing in the morning is the best time to test, right?

Why can't I just stop? Why does it always comes back?

Nothing new under the sun

So, AF was due yesterday. She still hasn't reared her ugly head. This made my Ar very excited and almost giggly, but I once again had the unpleasant task of trying to tell him to not get excited. AF is just late. I know it.

Thing is, I'm not sure I believe it's possible anymore.

Granted, two weeks ago I was worried about hot-tubbing it with Ar because I would be ovulating... Obviously I had some hope then. But then we did get in that hot-tub, so I had perhaps already stopped believing any of it mattered. At any rate, I now find myself calmly just not believing. I know the moment I might decide to take a pregnancy test is the exact moment AF will show up. It's happened more times than I can remember.

AF is one cruel auntie!!!

Right now though, even as I write this, I don't feel sad. That's kind of weird, I guess. But maybe this is the beginning of acceptance. Or maybe I have to wait and see what happens when AF comes.

Last week, Ar's daughter, M, was in town. She lives on the west coast. His other daughter, P, lives nearby. (They're both in their 20s.) Anyhow, we saw both of them a good bit. M stayed with us a few of the days, which was really nice!! Ar is a wonderful dad! I love to see that!!! And I always enjoy getting to know M a bit more. (We see P fairly often.) Still, it left me a bit melancholy after she left. They're both such wonderful girls! I see so much of him in them. Why can't I have that with him?

I don't know the answer to that, but I know it probably wouldn't hurt any less even if it it could be explained.

And either way, I just don't think I believe anymore. I don't think this is going to happen for us. I just don't think it's going to happen. I think I really mean it this time... And I just feel sort of empty about it right now. Is it wrong somehow to feel that way? I'm not sure. It isn't as if I've lost my faith in the Lord. I'm just starting to believe that the answer is, "no." I've been taught since I was a wee one that sometimes the answer is, "no." It doesn't mean He loves me any less.

Or maybe this disbelief will change again tomorrow. This is one crazy roller coaster, after all.

Doesn't it sometimes feel like there's nothing really new under the IF sun? Just the same old feelings rehashed cycle after cycle after cycle after cycle after cyc....... and the same old sad outcome? So, is this a breakthrough in accepting that it just might not happen, or is it just another cruel twist?

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12: 2-8)

I certainly wouldn't say I'm boasting in my weakness, nor that I am content with it all... I'd be lying if I said that, but I do believe that His grace is sufficient for me so I have to continue going forward in faith.

Thought for the day

"Our yesterdays present irreparable things to us; it is true that we have lost opportunities which will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ. Leave the Irreparable Past in His hands, and step out into the Irresistible Future with Him." (Oswald Chambers)

Bubbles galore

I just realized it's been almost two weeks since I posted. Mostly because things have been a whirlwind of activities. This has been a busy season - lots of weddings and birthdays and fun. Oh, and then there was the big work fundraiser, and lots of busy-ness at work, in general.

Tomorrow Ar and I are heading out of town for a romantic little overnight. We want to take a river boat down the Mississippi, except that it might be too cold and rainy. Then we'll stay overnight - we got a jacuzzi room.

We haven't gone in a jacuzzi in ages and ages -- wouldn't want to damage his spermies, after all. We used to do that all the time, though - just relax and enjoy each other in a different setting. Pour in the bubbles.... Love it!!! But we haven't done it in ages. It's just one more thing that we set aside to try to have a little one. I don't know - we're going to do it. I mean, we've not done it all this time and it hasn't made a difference... If we don't do it one more time, and we still don't get pregnant, then we'll just have lost another time.

I was very "in your face, IF!!!!" (shaking my fist) at first, when we decided to do this. I didn't care anymore - we were getting back to that which we always loved! But then I realized I should be ovulating this weekend, then I started to waver a bit. I wondered to Ar if killing his spermies in the hot tub is such a good idea, after all.... He says he thinks that it'll just excite them! Ha! He does crack me up!!!!

Well, we're going - and I'm really looking forward to it!!!

But, as usual, something came up out of the blue today and zapped me again. Stupid IF!!!!

For one thing, I was in a new Target today and I kept getting lost looking for what I needed... It felt like all roads led to the baby section and I'd just end up back there, staring at baby everything and at the happy pregnant ladies, and I had to try to not cry.

Then I came home and checked Fertile Facebook just in time for more pregnancy announcements, complete with the mandatory ultrasound pictures... Sometimes I just stare at those darn pictures and... just cry. It's so hard!!! And how can any of them know how hard it is? It's not their fault, it just is - and it hurts like crazy. I wish it didn't.

But, good for them - really!! These are my friends and I'm so very glad they don't have IF!!!! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, let alone people I care about.

I just wish I didn't have it, and I wish you didn't!!! And I wish it didn't hurt so much to see things like u/s pics etc.

And I'm sorry because I'm just plain ole feeling really down right now, it seems. I didn't this morning, but X always equals infertility. Hopefully I won't be so down tomorrow morning, because I've really been looking so forward to our little get-away. No, I will feel better tomorrow!! I will not let IF take my get away from me. I get all too few weekends with my Ar to let IF take this one from me! Do you hear me, IF? You are a dirty, rotten, scoundrel and you will not take my get-away from me, too!!!!!!

Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast. From birth I was cast on you; from my mother’s womb you have been my God. Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help. (Psalm 22:9)

There are friends, and then there are friends...

We all know that Facebook is a mixed bag, to be certain! It's reunited me with many - dear - old friends, who I'd only accidentally lost touch with, as life led us different directions. That has been truly wonderful!! Of course it also brings back some of those people I didn't mind leaving behind... It's also brought some new friends into my life, surprisingly! But one thing that isn't a surprise, to any IFer who uses Facebook, is what torture a mere login can bring... It's a veritable landmine of either fertile joy, or constant complaints about the thing that we want with all our hearts. In either case, it can be extremely tough.

For most IFers, Facebook is a constant challenge in the battle between happiness for people we love, and the feelings of jealousy we try to fight as we watch people live our dream. We love them, we care about them, we're happy for them - we would never, ever, wish them this IF nightmare... Of course not! That doesn't make it any easier, though.

Then the ones who constantly complain about pregnancy - the horrid clothes, that they can't drink, how sick they are of being fat... or who constantly complain about their kids - how awful they behave, how messy it is, how they have to get up every night, how they can't wait for summer to end so the kids will be out of the house... Well, all I can say about all of that is UGH!!! Of course pregnancy and parenting isn't a bed of roses - of course it's tough. Everyone needs to vent and complain sometimes, but I'm talking about those folks for whom sometimes is all the time. Do they have any idea what they have?

Of course, the best tool of an IFer on Facebook is the good old "hide" button! I probably would have deactivated my account if it weren't for that. Anyone who complains constantly (about anything, really, but especially their kids or pregnancy) gets hidden. As do people who I'm not close to, who post all their baby bump pics and ultrasounds and constant updates about their nursery and such. If I'm not close to them, I just wish them well and send my congrats, then hide them. People I'm close to, I keep open - but they're not generally the kind of people would would be constantly annoying to me, anyhow.

Well, so, this last week was interesting because there was the crazy so-called breast cancer awareness fad. Have you seen this? Apparently people are supposed to post the number of weeks they are - based somehow on their birthday - and what they're craving. It's this big - oh so HILARIOUS - thing that is supposedly to bring awareness to breast cancer, even though breast cancer isn't ever mentioned in it and you're not supposed to tell the boys! Ohh, what a fabulous campaign. I bet this really helps breast cancer, a ton! Oh brother!!!

So basically, your newsfeed could be chock-full of what seem like pregnancy announcements, which can obviously be quite painful! Even if you do know what it's about, it's insulting, hurtful, and useless. This isn't going to raise awareness, all it does, in my opinion, is hurt others including breast cancer patients and survivors, who may well have to face infertility themselves, as a result of treatment.

Of course, this has been outrageous to many - and many IFers are striking back with well thought out responses.

As for me, I haven't seen it in my newsfeed even once. What's with that? I have just short of 300 friends on Facebook - and not one of them posted it? That's bizarre!! It's still a puzzle to me, because some of my IF friend's newsfeed were littered with it. I never got the message about the game, and I never saw it in my newsfeed. Maybe it's because I've been a bit looser lately, with letting people know about my IF. This has been mostly a passive thing, but still, anyone who pays attention at all, would have to know. Or maybe my friends are just that awesome!!! I know for certain my close friends are, but I'm still surprised by the numerous others who could have posted it, but didn't. Or, if they did, they blocked me from that one post...

I decided to go look on the walls of my hidden friends - and sure enough, I found it posted on several of their pages. That was pretty funny to me!! The people I hid previously - they're the ones who'd posted it. Pretty awesome, eh? I guess I have some discernment when it comes to such matters!!

Because I never saw it in my newsfeed, I never addressed it, myself. I didn't want to draw attention to it, if people hadn't seen. However, three of my friends did address it - completely unprovoked by me. I never had even mentioned it. One friend put up a preemptive note stating that it's ridiculous and hurtful to many. Another sent me an email warning me about it. A third friend then posted a blog response she'd read from someone in the breast cancer community. I was amazed. Now, I already knew that these are some exceptionally good friends, but still, it was impressive.

Ironically, what could have been just another nightmare Facebook episode was a real blessing! I tell ya -it's a mixed bag out there! Just like life, I suppose! And on Facebook, as in life, I'm glad I've surrounded myself with really good people! What a blessing!

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.” (C.S. Lewis)