Get busy living....

or get busy dying....

As I wrote in my last post, we've decided to go back and see our RE. That appointment is on Monday. I have a surprising sense of peace about this decision. I don't know what the outcome will be, any more than I ever did, but I still find myself ready to face it for the first time in a very long time. My eyes are wider open, I have more emotional support and resources, and other areas of our lives are less stressful than they were the first time around. I hope these things make a difference to my attitude and response to the stress. I think they will, regardless of the outcome. I also have to choose that they will.

What I know from my "very late" experience last month, is that I really want to have a kiddo with Ar. I just do. I always knew that, of course, but I know it even more now. It's a heart desire - and that heart desire is a blessing in so many ways! It's also a curse, it seems, at times. Last month I allowed myself to believe it, to feel it. The joy of expectation and belief was indescribable. The disappointment was beyond brutal, but it left me with such clarity. I realized that I want this enough to face the ugly again. Last time, I didn't know how very ugly ugly could get... Last time, I went forward because I thought I had no choice. Now, this is my choice - I choose to go forward. Eyes wide open. Still hand in hand with the most amazing man in the world, but hopefully a little wiser in our travels.

None of this means anything to our outcome, of course, but I don't believe I can live with myself if we don't try. That's where all these last months, the panic, the anxiety, the wonder, the waffling, the waiting, the whys, the roller coasters... this is what it all tells me. It's time to move forward. I know better than ever that it may not happen. I may have to live childless. It will not be my choice, but what I can choose is to try.

So now, we wait.

So much of this journey is waiting, isn't it? Waiting and waiting - often hurrying up, just to wait some more. I wonder how much would all of our waiting add up to? And what should I be doing while I wait? In my recent past, much of that waiting has been filled with anxiety. This last week and a half, since I made the RE appointment, I can't say my waiting has been particularly productive, but at least it hasn't been anxious. But still, I can't help but feel the weeks, months, and years have passed by willy-nilly as I waited for my next cycle, my next opportunity. What can I do or be to to better use this waiting time? I'll have to think on that.

And so that quote from one of my favorite movies, Shawshank Redemption, keeps coming to mind, "Get busy living, or get busy dying." So much of IF feels like neither living, nor dying. Sometimes it feels more like dying. But it's not - unless we choose to let it be that way. Oh, Lord, help me remember that.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. Jesus came that we may have life and have it abundantly. (John 10:10)

IF is a mighty talented thief, isn't it? So can we be IF and still live abundantly? I mean, all the way abundantly - not the half abundant life many of us probably live... I can't be the only one that feels like she's been living two lives, can I? One happy-go-lucky, fun, fulfilling life, full of love - and one sad, anxious, fretting, scared, scarred, bitter, and empty life? Both are valid, both are real. What I wonder is, can I have one - one - abundant life, even while dealing with the angst of IF? I can't answer that from experience, but I believe that scripture would most certainly say so - and so does my heart, when I'm at peace.