This morning I woke up with AF. As much as that sucks to me, because I was secretly hoping I was one of the rare ones who gets a false negative blood test, I was glad that I got the blood test results last night - it made this morning's nightmare a little easier. Every night for the past week, I've been laying in bed imagining the good kind of what-if.... thinking, wondering, happy thoughts, you know. So that was one more reason to love my doctor - she sends me horrible news test results at 9:30 pm.
Needless to say, today was a very difficult day.
Thankfully, I had therapy scheduled tonight, more good timing! It was good just to talk and process the grief a bit. The grief over losing something I never had. As I talked, I realized that I may be ready to start treatment again. I've been on a longer break than I'd anticipated. Treatment was so hard - I was never so miserable than that time - and then we took a break. Then the panic attacks came, then a bunch of weight came. So... it's hard to want to go back there, but this last week of actually believing I was pregnant made me realize how incredibly much I want this.
I guess it all comes down to this: is the potential outcome worth the potential risk?
It really may never happen for us, but can I live without trying more? Is my fear so great that it'll stop me from taking the next step? Does that sound like something the bravest person in the world would do?
All that is well and good to inspire me, but the reality is that I'm forty, I'm fat, and IF treatment sent me spiraling into panic attacks before. I'm probably not the best candidate, so who knows if a clinic will even see me? In the spirit of nothing ventured, nothing gained, I just took a big step; I just emailed my GP doc telling her I'm ready to get back on the nightmarish IF treatment road again, if it's possible. We'll see what she says.
You are breaking my heart! I feel for you so much. I was reading your previous posts before this one and I saw how excited you were getting and in my head I was screaming, "NO! NO! Don't get excited!" I nearly cried when I finally made it to the affirmation of "AF." Not that I am a pessimist, I've just been there.
ReplyDeleteI can hold my excitement for a few weeks after I'm late but about a year ago I actually missed two cycles and I was convinced I HAD to be pregnant. I scheduled my blood test but 3 hours before my appointment "AF" showed up so I canceled my appt and then cried..a lot.
I am excited for you to be taking this big step again. Whether it works or not, you will feel better knowing you gave it your all. There is nothing worse than looking back and saying, "What if?"
Also, for what it's worth, just reading your blog I have seen you grow SO much. I have a feeling that whether or not your treatments work, you will know how to cope with it better having been there before. Good luck!
(sorry this was so ridiculously long!)
Heather, thank you!! I love ridiculously long!!! :-) I really appreciate your thoughts - and your understanding!! It really helps!!! And you're totally right - I don't want to have that regret of wondering what might have been. I think that scares me more than any of my other fears.
ReplyDeleteI feel more at peace w/ these small steps - decisions - than I ever had before. So, for whatever that's worth, I have peace of mind now. I know that doesn't mean the roller coaster is over, by far, but peace of mind in making a decision is a big thing. You kind of were saying the same thing in your last one or two posts. I think when I set out on this before, I felt desperate and and just grabbing for whatever, knowing I had to act soon - I'm no spring chicken. I don't think I was in a right frame of mind, and I knew that - but I felt like it was what I had to do. Now I feel like it's our choice. Thank you so much!!!!