Nothing new under the sun

So, AF was due yesterday. She still hasn't reared her ugly head. This made my Ar very excited and almost giggly, but I once again had the unpleasant task of trying to tell him to not get excited. AF is just late. I know it.

Thing is, I'm not sure I believe it's possible anymore.

Granted, two weeks ago I was worried about hot-tubbing it with Ar because I would be ovulating... Obviously I had some hope then. But then we did get in that hot-tub, so I had perhaps already stopped believing any of it mattered. At any rate, I now find myself calmly just not believing. I know the moment I might decide to take a pregnancy test is the exact moment AF will show up. It's happened more times than I can remember.

AF is one cruel auntie!!!

Right now though, even as I write this, I don't feel sad. That's kind of weird, I guess. But maybe this is the beginning of acceptance. Or maybe I have to wait and see what happens when AF comes.

Last week, Ar's daughter, M, was in town. She lives on the west coast. His other daughter, P, lives nearby. (They're both in their 20s.) Anyhow, we saw both of them a good bit. M stayed with us a few of the days, which was really nice!! Ar is a wonderful dad! I love to see that!!! And I always enjoy getting to know M a bit more. (We see P fairly often.) Still, it left me a bit melancholy after she left. They're both such wonderful girls! I see so much of him in them. Why can't I have that with him?

I don't know the answer to that, but I know it probably wouldn't hurt any less even if it it could be explained.

And either way, I just don't think I believe anymore. I don't think this is going to happen for us. I just don't think it's going to happen. I think I really mean it this time... And I just feel sort of empty about it right now. Is it wrong somehow to feel that way? I'm not sure. It isn't as if I've lost my faith in the Lord. I'm just starting to believe that the answer is, "no." I've been taught since I was a wee one that sometimes the answer is, "no." It doesn't mean He loves me any less.

Or maybe this disbelief will change again tomorrow. This is one crazy roller coaster, after all.

Doesn't it sometimes feel like there's nothing really new under the IF sun? Just the same old feelings rehashed cycle after cycle after cycle after cycle after cyc....... and the same old sad outcome? So, is this a breakthrough in accepting that it just might not happen, or is it just another cruel twist?

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12: 2-8)

I certainly wouldn't say I'm boasting in my weakness, nor that I am content with it all... I'd be lying if I said that, but I do believe that His grace is sufficient for me so I have to continue going forward in faith.