The Queen Me

Well.... I did it! I turned 40. It happened. And I daresay, I did it in style. Granted, it was my own unique, somewhat juvenile, style... but that still counts! There was no sad attempt to stop it, and no hiding.

When I started this blog, I was absolutely mortified by this upcoming milestone - at least in relation to my infertility. I'd like to tell you I totally got past that, but that would not be a truth. But alas, short of that final journey homeward, nothing stops the passage of time for any of us... no matter how much we may dread it, or even rejoice in it. The passage of time cares not. It cares not for our worries, our insecurities, our denial, or even our happiness or love.... certainly it cares nothing for our talents, or lack thereof, in the procreation department. It knows no stopping, no slowing.... and I regret to inform you that a watched pot does indeed boil.

And that's all ok by me, I guess... I mean, what good would it do me to resist it, anyhow? It's kinda one of those things, you know. So what then? I guess just this: make the best of what we have! Make the best of what we're given! Do our best where we are! Be good stewards!

My tune may change next week - or even tomorrow, mind you. Mayhaps I'm just basking in the glow of almost two weeks of par-taying! Of being treated like a Queen. I haven't settled into real life in my forties yet. It's quite possible that the Queen Me simply hasn't had time to really think or process any of it, now that I'm here.

But today a baby was in our office - one of the MANY, many pregnancies in my little dept of 32 people. I ignored the baby. I always do... I mean, if it were one of my closer friends I wouldn't, but why torture myself with the baby of someone who's kind of rude to me? Why put up the pretense? Carry on, carry on. I didn't cry. That's something, right?

Oh, did I mention that on day three of being 40, which was Monday July 11th, I came into the office to find my computer more or less blown to bits.... at least internally. There had been some really bad storms and they fried it... who knew my company didn't use protection against that sort of thing? Anyhow, so I had to find a new desk to use for the day. I went from desk to desk of the people out just a day because I so did not want to sit at the desk of any of the several gals out on maternity leave. That's mature, eh? Anyhow, because I have some special programs that I need, most computers didn't have those programs... you know it --- I ended up at one of maternity girls' desks. Bummer! Not only that, but she had all these congrats cards and gifts and signs up.

Yup - nothin' like being infertile at 40 years and 3 days - and having to sit in the cube of a coworker on maternity leave all day - surrounded by congrats paraphernalia. Sigh. Can't get any better than that. At least until you get your period later that same day. Good ole AF and her awesome sense of humor! Yup! This is a sadly true story.

My love of irony at least appreciated the scenario on some level.

Sigh.

Anyhow, I guess this is all just the way it goes... it's life. I have to deal with it. I have to keep laughing. And yes, crying if that's where I'm at... in either case, I gotta just keep moving forward. I feel better for having embraced it and laughed a bit.

I'll still avoid the non-friend coworker's babies though.

Anyhow, on to the really fun stuff! My birthday!! It was truly wonderful!

On Friday, July 8 - the day before my birthday - Ar and I hung out. He made me some cute treats and then we played some games outside - ladder ball and frisbee. Just fun! Then my dearest friend L came that night. She lives four + hours away. We went to Pizza Hut, because it's somewhat of a tradition... stemming back from the mid '80s. Then she and I made an ice cream cake for my birthday cake. Ar looked on, being as cute and adorable and sweet as ever!

The next morning - my 40th birthday - Ar woke me up at 6:30 am.... I'm seriously NOT a morning person, but he was standing next to our bed with a tray of chocolate covered strawberries and two glasses of champagne! (To which I said, "where's YOUR champagne, dear?" ) It was so amazing! Just so sweet and romantic! He dipped the strawberries himself!!! I LOVED it!!!! He wanted to do a little something just him and me, before the day started... and since we'd be w/ L and others the rest of the day.... I loved it!!!

After that - a day of fun! Ar, L, and I went to get pedicures! Yes, I made my hubby get a pedicure! L and I get them every chance we get - and we manage to get them together maybe once a year... but how fun to have Ar get one with us!! He was seriously just too cute for words! He's such a good sport!!! However, he wants everyone to know that while he did enjoy the experience, he did NOT get any polish on his toes!!!! I did, of course... my toes are sparkly blue! Love it!

Next we went to a light lunch and then a small kiddy-land amusement park. Brave of me, right? Well, I absolutely adore the Tilt-a-Whirl, so it was worth the risk of seeing so many happy little families. Seriously, Tilt-a-Whirl is like the greatest fun - ever!!! So that was one of the main birthday things I wanted to do! L rode it with me as it makes Ar a little sick, so he was happy that L would go with me this time! (He's definitely put in his dues in the Tilt-a-Whirl department, after all.) It was such fun! Just pure glee!!!!

Next, L and I went to the beach... Ar went home to get a few things ready for the evening's festivities. The beach was super nice - a little sand, a little swimming! Mind you, this is just a small community beach, but it's a nice one. It's no Caribbean Sea off Honduras, but it is nice!

Next came the par-tay... About 15 of us gathered at one of my favorite restaurants - it was a nice evening, so we sat on the patio... it was quite lovely! Ar had gone early to decorate, and arrange a few things. All my most favorite friends from this area were there! Even my very, very, verrrrry pregnant friend made it! She had been uncertain because she was due any minute, but she and her hubby are some of those friends I mentioned in my earlier post, who have been friends since the early/mid 80s... so, long-time and very dear friends!!! She was the person at the par-tay that I've actually known the longest. My most recent friends at that party were friends I met in 2001. It's such a blessing to have the friends I have!!! Anyhow, I loved every minute!! '

Oh, and at dinner, Ar was showing everyone the photo book of our special Honduras trip. He loves that book so much!! That makes me very happy! I think everyone else really enjoyed seeing and hearing more about it. It's not too long , so it's not annoying to anyone. Then after dinner was bowling!! I'm a truly terrible bowler, but it is good fun!!

Yes, it was quite the fun-filled, somewhat juvenile day....

Next day we went to church and then hung out a bit, before L had to go.

Then the following week was full of birthday lunches. Then Thursday night, a good work friend threw a par-tay for me with work friends, at her house. That was really, really fun too!

Then on the weekend, it was on to Milwaukee for more.... I'm originally from Milwaukee - which is about 6 hours away from where I live now. So this past Saturday was par-taying with my family, and then another very lovely par-tay with some more of my oldest and dearest friends.

To sum up, I was treated like a Queen for the past almost two weeks. Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.

Especially since, sadly, the Queen cannot seem to produce an heir to the throne.

But she still knows how to have a good time... and certainly knows how to surround herself with good people. And she knows she is greatly blessed.

So.... just keep on keepin' on, right! I've made it this far, after all. I've learned a few things along the way, I've kept good company - and I do have faith. So, as always, some days will be better, prouder days than others... but I'll own them all, for they are the days that were given to me. And I'll pray that I may be the exception... that my miracle could still happen. I know the odds are against me, but heck if I'm ready to stop hoping now. We'll see about tomorrow, tomorrow....

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Gifts galore and more

Hey, this girl actually looks quite a bit like me... kinda strange to find your doppelganger in clip art!! She has a better fashion sense than I do, though...

Well, the long awaited birthday is quite nearly upon us. I've taken the day off work, because I thought I should enjoy the last day of my thirties by not working!!! Although work was kind of fun yesterday... birthday weeks for me sometimes get a bit slacky. Lots of birthday lunches and cards and fun. One of the people I supervise brought me a chocolate croissant, which is one of my very favorite things, so that was a wonderful surprise. Then my friend K took me out for a lunch, which ended up going 2.5 hours!!!! YIKES!!!! That's a long work lunch, but that's ok for once in a while, right? :-O Anyhow, I love talking with my friend K. She's one of those people I don't get to lunch with often enough, but when we do, we just can't stop talking. We talk about such serious things sometimes, but just are cracking up laughing most of the time, anyhow! Then last night some other co-workers treated me to dinner, and that was really nice. I got a bunch of cards - all of which referenced the good ole, "forty is the new thirty..." or "forty is the new twenty..." By my calculations, that means that forty is the new fifty, right? Yikes!!! Hmm, then again, I never was great at math.

Also, tonight my dearest friend, L, is coming over for the weekend. She lives about four plus hours away, so we don't get to see each other enough! I'm really happy she's coming!! So she'll be here to help us ring in my 40th, which, dumb as it sounds, I just realized will be actually my fifth decade of life!!! Seriously, I only just realized that... I was commenting to someone recently about being about to enter my fourth decade... I mean, I'm going to be forty, right? That's four decades! But as I was speaking, I started to scratch my head a bit, and do a little math... "ok, 10 plus thirty, carry the one.... OH, I've actually already lived four full decades, haven't I? Hmmm. That means I'm entering decade five.... YIKES-a-ROONI!!!!" Yeah, well, I told you I never was very good at math... Good thing they have me in charge of a $5 million budget at work, huh? Ha!

Oh well, so it turns out I've already survived four decades of life. Good job, me!! For such a monumental occasion, I'd like to write about the four best gifts given to me, thus far.


1) My family - this might not be the traditional tribute to one's family, as my family was hardly traditional. We were as dysfunctional as they come!!! Alcoholism reigned over our family; it caused so much grief, and major communication problems that we still struggle with today - to a lesser extent, though. It took Dad away, way too soon, and we miss him. He was a good man, with a lot of demons to fight. But you know, this home, this family - they were a major force for better and worse, during my first two decades. Much of who I am was shaped there. For much of my first two and a half decades, I blamed them for a lot. I had anger about a lot of things. (Believe it or not, back then, I thought I NEVER wanted to have kids because what if I were like my parents? I would rather not have had children, if I couldn't be a good mom... gee, I kinda miss those days of not wanting kids!! Oh well!) But here's the thing... I was loved. I was always loved - and I never doubted that! Yes, there are some trust issues that I have to deal with, and honestly, some of my deep anxieties do clearly stem from that time - and the feelings of fear and lack of security and stability in our home. It was a very, very stormy time! But I see these things clearly, as an adult - I was loved. I was cared for. And I was taught about Jesus and about faith. And about hard work and commitment - even when the going is very rough. I also love my hair color - that comes from dad! So, what can I say, no one is perfect. Things were quite stormy. But I know that my parents did the very best they could with what they were given. They gave all three of us a better life than what they had. We are all happy, relatively successful people in good relationships. So, in the final analysis - my parents did ok. Life is hard and messy and they did the best they could. What more can I really ask for? I'm thankful for them.

2) My time at camp. It is a Christian camp in rural Wisconsin. Much of my second and third decade were spent there. Starting in Jr. High, I started working there weekends and summers. I did that through High School and part of college. Then in between my sophomore and junior years in college, I was held up at gunpoint in Milwaukee. Everything worked out ok, but it made me realize even more, that life is short - try to make the most of it. I was miserable in college and all I wanted was to be back at camp. So I talked camp into creating a full-time position for me. I worked there full-time for five years, as the food service director (i.e., chief cook and bottle washer). It was amazing!!! All my years there were amazing! At some point though, I realized, it was time to move on. I went back to finish a college degree. It was the right decision, but I miss camp every day. I have the best friendships from there. My friend L, who is coming tonight is from there. We met in 1986 and have been together ever since. Camp is the most special place in the world. During so much of the storms that raged in my home, I had camp. The Lord provided, through camp, the safety and security that I so sorely lacked at home. There was the Christian growth I needed. The people who walked the talk.... The encouragement. There was the feeling of accomplishment for my work there as the cook. There were the connections with so many people. The laughs - oh, the laughs!!! The stupidest things, we laughed about. The "Target Runs," which was the big special occasion of "going out." We'd all get dressed up and do our hair and makeup just to go into town and go to the Target store and then maybe for some ice cream. We'd ride there on this big blue bus, singing and being crazy. There was the most special camaraderie on earth!! Silly and wonderful! There was the mission: To know Christ and to make him known. There was the constant discovery of all the many and varied uses for duct tape.... I could write volumes about camp and how special it is. Maybe some day I will, but for now, suffice it to say that it was the best time. There isn't a day that passes now that I don't wish I could bend space and time to combine the best of then with the best of now. I'm thankful for what I had there, and what I carry with me from there.

3) My friends. I am just so grateful for the friends that God has blessed me with. Again, what I may have lacked in stability at home, was given to me in friendships. Those rare and beautiful - true - friendships. I have plenty of more surface friendships as well, and they have their place and they are enjoyable. But it's those rare ones I'm thinking of now. Those friends who have seen you through so very many chapters of your life.... who know you. Who know how stupid and silly you can be, how scared, how ornery and unreasonable - and love you all the same. Some of my very closest friends have been my friends since the early and mid 1980s (since the days of really big hair and blue eye-shadow) and others since the mid and late 90s. These are the people who saw me through those family troubles, through dad dying.... I'll never forget that L found out about my dad's death before I did (because I was out shopping - this was well before cell phones being the norm) - and found a way to scrape together change from her dorm mates in college, to take the bus to my college an hour away... she was there right after I found out. She stayed with me until my brother came and picked me up. These friends have been there for me in so many countless ways over the years.... spanning three of my four decades and counting. I'm thankful for these dear people, who for some strange reason really, really like me - even still.

4) Last, but not least, my Ar. He represents my fourth decade of life, and counting. My thirties were the decade of Ar. And overall, it's been a wonderful decade. He is everything I said above about my friends, but even more so. No one has seen me as vulnerable as he has. No one on earth loves me more fiercely and passionately than he does. I can hardly believe it, most of the time. Particularly in light of the infertility issues, he has seen me at my very worst - my panic attacks, my grief... and he loves me through it all. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me and will be with me, for as long as he has a say in the matter. By the time I had met him, at 29, I had started to think I might not ever get married. And after much soul-searching and prayer and study, I'd come to feel that that was ok. I didn't need to be married, I'd be ok. But then came Ar. He wasn't at all who I would have expected, had I expected anyone. We have the funniest differences and the weirdest similarities. Somehow we balance each other out just right. On paper none of it would have seemed right. No dating site would have matched us up, that's for sure... yet we are just right for each other. He is indeed the butter to my bread. I adore him. I'm so incredibly thankful for him. (And I so want to have his kids all the more because of all this. If I don't, at least we'll still always be us. And that is pretty incredible, in its own right!)

So there you have it, what I consider my four greatest, of many other, gifts on this earth. Though I did not specify, in this setting, such overarching gifts as God's love and salvation, and the strength that he gives me to face each and every tomorrow, please know that I consider these the mother of all gifts!! There is not a single gift above that I don't, with heartfelt praise, thank my Heavenly Father for, because:

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)