The point of no point

I had my third appointment with my therapist, tonight. I guess it's been good. So far we haven't gotten to the relaxation techniques for my anxiety. I guess that's because I keep talking about stuff. I realize that it's nice to not worry about her feelings. I can just talk. Lately, with others, to some degree, I always worry. I'm always worried about saying something wrong. I don't want to overlook their challenges, just because of mine. And, I'm not supposed to be anxious and depressed. I'm supposed to be funny and jolly and have relatively interesting commentary on life... And I guess I continue to still sort of be that... at least when I have the energy. I'm not supposed to be how I feel, these days. Most people don't even know what I am going through, anyhow.

Why does it bother me that my friend with cancer posts on Facebook and Caring Bridge about her condition, almost every day - and gets this outpouring of support and love and prayers... I support and love her, and pray for her, too.

I told this to my therapist tonight and I said I think it's so ridiculous that I feel this way about my friend's Caring Bridge page... She has cancer. I don't want cancer, by any means. But somehow it frustrates me too, not because I begrudge her anything - I don't, but, but, but, but... where's my outpouring of support? I don't need casseroles, but don't I get anything for all this?

Sometimes I feel like I am just silently withering away, while my body walks around acting normal(ish) - except that it can't produce children.

My therapist asked me what it is I would want, if I could do a Caring Bridge page.

That's a great question. I honestly don't even know.

The only thing I could think of was that I would want maybe some modicum of sensitivity. I would want to not lose friends because they feel so guilty about my IF. I would want to have people know and care - actually care - but not act like I'm a leper.

Maybe I want people to actually see me. The funny and jolly, and the IF, and the anxiety and sadness. But there really are a few people, who know all that - and still love me, anyhow. Isn't that good enough? A few people who know me and love me is a lot!!! I'm so thankful!!! So what is this more I crave? Is is just a reflection of the emptiness I feel because I can't do this thing that I should be able to do?

Do I need to come-out to all, about my IF? Maybe. But I suspect most people do have an inkling. While I don't broadcast it, I'm not particularly secretive. But I am pretty sure that most people don't know what to do with it. IF is just plain weird. It's not a normal disease that others know what to do with. It seems that, for most people, there are only two options, in dealing with an IF person: ignore them, or say totally crazy things to them. And it seems to just go on and on and on. And on.

I was again told today to not worry about my upcoming 40th... the forties are great, my friend said. I replied that everyone tells me that, but they all have kids already.... She, who is 43 and has two daughters in their twenties, asked me if we've considered adoption.... Sigh. Maybe I'll just stay in the IF closet, after all. To any non-IFer that reads this, that may sound like a slam on adoption. Of course, IFers know that it's not. I do notice that no one gives my friend with cancer these sort of pat answers... Oh, just adopt. Ok, gee - thanks. I should have thought of that. Knowing my friend means well just doesn't really help.

I guess the bottom line is that I just feel really, really bad right now. I literally just realized... I'm due for AF any day now... Some months, I have that hope against hope. This month, not so much.

Looking back at what I've written here, I still don't know my point. But I think I need to decide I don't have to have a point. I can just write. Or cry. Or be funny. Or not. Points are optional, resolutions not required. My blog, my rules, right...


Psalm 42:5-11: Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. I say to God, my rock: “Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy? As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me all the day long,“Where is your God?” Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.