Head full of hunny

I started crying in the hallway at work today because a colleague told me to get my master's degree. She said I really need to get it because I'm so smart and talented that if I just got a graduate degree I'd have only the sky as my limit. Sounds nice, right? Probably not a normal reason to cry, now is it? Especially since at work I have become very good at keeping my game-face on.

Still, there I stood crying like a fool because... well, because I don't care about master's degrees and careers. I just don't. It's all good and important stuff, but I want to be a mom. That's my priority. That's what is of value to me. Therefore, that's where my time, money, and heart have gone over the last several years, while my colleague was putting her time and money towards her master's degree... She is now leaving the company for a much higher level of work and pay. Of course, she has two kids already - she had them before she went back for her master's. She's a few years younger than I am. It feels like some people get it all, doesn't it?

The last few days I've been struggling more and more with all of this. What will I do if this doesn't work out? I'll be 41 by the time I find out if this cycle worked. Sheesh!! 41!! And I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself. Every time I even look into getting my master's degree, I get that same feeling of dread and emptiness that made me cry this afternoon in the hallway. It's just not where my heart is.

Though my job is important to me, and I mostly feel good about it, my passion will never be in careers, titles, or education. IF has made me stuck. I mean, if I had kids, it's not like they would be the only thing in my life. I'm more well-rounded than that (or at least I used to be.) All the trauma and hard work of IF seems to have made me stuck. Where most people can achieve children and family without any unusual effort, while healthfully moving forward in their life, I've simply gotten stuck. I need to "get busy living or get busy dying," but I don't know how. What should I get busy with? Nothing even comes to mind. I seem to have forgotten what, if anything, else I wanted to do with my life.

I do know this, if this last hurrah cycle doesn't work out, I feel I need a change. I don't know what, but something... I keep telling Ar that I wish I could just quit my job and travel around with him doing his business. We work really well together, and it's fun. We could go away for longer and better shows if we were together, because Ar wouldn't have me at home as incentive to come back home quickly. Of course, we're not in a position to do that.

Well, I don't have the answers, but I imagine I will be pondering these things often in my near future. I pray for wisdom.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)