Horrible ranting (read at your own risk)

Oh, it's been a real swell couple of days. Real red-letter alright. Yesterday after my BFN I went to work, game-face on. I kept it on all day, until I sat down in my car after work and sobbed all the way home, then sobbed pretty much all night. Dinner? Dinner was a piece of German chocolate cake that Ar brought me to attempt to cheer me up. I didn't sleep. Once I was caught up on Words with Friends, which is a lovely distraction, I resumed sobbing. I don't know where this endless supply of tears comes from. Or where the strange sounds that accompany them come from. Are those sounds really coming from me?

Just to be sure, and since today was the official POAS day, I did POAS again this morning. BFN, of course.

Today, under my work game-face, I've been alternating between waves of violent feelings (against that stupid little stick I peed on), deep deep sadness, bitterness, anger, despair, orneriness at the blatant and abundant fertility of the Facebook community, and wanting to let the world just know exactly how I feel about it... I want to punch the universe in the stupid head!!!! Repeatedly!!!! Yes, if given the opportunity, I would punch the universe straight in the head, and kick it while it's down.

Furthermore, I want to tell the people complaining about their kids to just SHUT UP!!!!! People are already dreading summer vacation because their kids will be around all summer!! What?? Do they have any idea what others of us would do to have their "problems?" And oh, you had to stay up half the night w/ your kid? I am sorry about that - really, but does anyone know or care that I was up all night, crying? As a result, my husband was also up all night. It's definitely not the first time, either... For us though, there's no bright spot, no silver lining, no precious moments to balance out the difficulties. Just nothingness. I don't begrudge anyone their right to post whatever they want, I do get it, but man does it boil my bum some days anyhow!!! Why do some people have the luxury of complaining about their blessings? It makes no sense. It's so unfair. Why do some people get to choose, and some of us have no choice whatsoever?

Yeah, don't even get me started on our kindergarten teachers who taught us about fairness... As if!!!

And my dear Heavenly Father - why, why why why why why WHY!!!!!!???? WHY? Once again, I revert right back to all my old questions... another vicious cycle I don't know how to stop. Am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? Am I being punished? Why, God, why?? Why? And what am I supposed to do? I can't get through this. I know these are lies, they are - but they feel more true than anything I've ever known. I just can't understand any of this. My body is supposed to do this - why does it constantly betray me?? Why am I so defective? Everything looked so good this month. I had two follies. TWO!!! One on each side. It looked so good. But still, another failure.

If you haven't noticed, I don't have a single Godly, grace-filled, positive, or noble feeling or thought in my entire body right now. No prayers of St. Francis, no inspirational songs, no bright side. This is just me right now. I'm not very likable, I know. I'm not proud of it, it's just how it is. It's part of it, part of me.

I so appreciate having IF friends because I can be pretty honest there, and I can express my gallows humor. As upset as I am, I won't unleash this crazy, unbridled negativity on the world - unless you're unfortunate enough to be reading my blog, that is. But I won't be an inferti-jacker, I won't hurt other people just because I'm hurt. That's all I can offer the world right now.

I am thankful to have a safe place at home with Ar, and a precious few friends who understand.

My stomach is still messed up, and every other ounce of me hurts right now. If anyone even reads this, sorry for my horrible ranting. I've always been honest here though, and this is me right now.