Infertile father's day

What do people do on these holidays when their own dad has long-since passed on, and they have no kids of their own to help celebrate dad? Well, with Ar away on business, I bake him bread, make him meatballs and spaghetti, gaze sadly over all the insurance EOBs that came in yesterday, and watch the clock for Ar to come home - and for when I need to start taking my injections again. Today is CD3, after all.

The first two activities make me happy. I love to bake bread and I love to make meatballs and spaghetti - and I particularly love to do these for Ar!! These are two of his very most requested items that I make. I never really understand why people buy bread and buy meatballs; they're so easy to make at home - and oh so much better. Of course, some people think babies are so easy to make at home too.... not so for all of us.

So, yeah - the EOBs are pouring in like nobody's business. Boy oh boy, I sure hope the clinic gives some kind of break on these. I haven't heard back from them about that, yet. I just sat there paging through these feeling like I was going to be physically sick. And these are from the cycle just past... so we'll still have this whole upcoming cycle. I honestly see absolutely no way we can continue on after this. I'm trying to cling to the hope I had from that rainbow I wrote about in my last post, but I just feel sick.

Counting forward, the first week or so of my 41st year of life will either be the happiest or saddest week of my life. While my darling Ar is already a dad, a wonderful dad, I so want him to give him another child - our child.

And quite frankly, I miss my own daddy.

Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. (Isaiah 64:8)