Monday I felt horrid - my back was killing me, and I had a horrible pit in my stomach that just grew bigger and bigger until it wanted to burst out my tear ducts, like a monstrous sobbing alien bent on destroying all of God's great earth!! I couldn't let that rotten alien win though, mostly because I was at work... good thing, about that, I guess. That night Ar and I went to buy our first ever smart phones. It was such a ridiculous experience in some ways, that Ar just made me crack up. Mind you, this is because he was so ticked at what the phone store was trying to pull on us, that it became hysterically laughable. BUT, now we have smart phones!!! Now if only we were smart enough to know how to use them...
Anyhow, Tuesday I was slightly less emotional and anxious, but that may only be because I was in so much pain from my back - I was practically bent over with no hopes of straightening up. That happens once in a while when the wicked AF is almost in town, which seems another bad sign to me, on top of that pimple. But, my IF friends are telling me that these can also be signs of pregnancy. Ok.
Today has been better. My back is - thankfully - much better, but I'm just dead tired and dragging, and have this nagging worry wort in my brain hammering at me a bit. And looming in front of me is the thought of the girls weekend this weekend, which I'm somewhat certain I'm likely to ruin, because I'm somewhat certain I'll be getting a BFN on Friday morning, and I'm somewhat certain I might lose it, if I really do... Of course, these are some of my oldest and very dearest of friends, and they care very much about me, even if they can't completely relate to all of the intensity and anxiety involved. It's just that we don't often get a chance to all just get together and hang for any length of time, so I don't want to be a big sobbing ball of crazy...
Generally, after a BFN, I'd want to just lay low, but there's never truly good timing for anything when you're going through IF treatment. One can't let it control. I've been looking forward to this weekend, but always with that cloud. I can't pretend the cloud isn't there, but maybe we can coexist, right? I don't have to totally beat it down; I just have to not let it take control.
Besides, this is all assuming I'm a BFN, which I'm assuming because every sign for AF is here, and because the odds of success on this cycle are quite low - but it could be a BFP.
I have not yet peed on anything. I'm still waiting until the appointed time.
Deep breath, deep breath.
It is so crazy, the ups and downs... I know the hormones and drugs don't help, in what would be a very emotional time, anyhow.
Breathe.... breathe contentment in..... breathe anxiety out...., contentment in..... anxiety out.....
By the way, my new smart phone just beeped. I have no idea what all the beeps are for.... I don't see anything that it's notifying me of. Sigh.
Say, I wonder if there's an app for peeing on a stick? Hmm, now that would be interesting.
Well, time will tell. I have tonight, all day tomorrow, and when I wake up Friday morning, we will see. One way or another, it will be ok. I really do mean that. I'm worried because I'm emotional and wanting this so much, but it will be ok. I - I will be ok. God will still be God - and will still be so very good. Ar will still be absolutely, inexplicably, crazy about me - and me him, my girls' weekend will be full of cookie dough, laughs, and the love of dear friends. I will be ok.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27)
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