Greener grasses

I'm so happy to be home, just so happy. Although I didn't know when we scheduled it that my girls' weekend would coincide with having to POAS, I need to be sure to avoid that sort of timing in the future - if at all possible. I tried the best I could to be relatively normal, but the truth is, I was sad..... profoundly sad, and it's hard to not show that. Xanax helped... I hadn't had to take Xanax since the one in August, and before that in May for my flight back from Honduras. But I took several this weekend, because it was my only way to not completely ruin everything.

Lesson learned, avoid this sort of scheduling. There was no time whatsoever to grieve and process things. I need to grieve and process. I need to just be and not try to perform. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, and I know they love me - I mean no disrespect - and I did have some laughs and some nice times, but all I could really feel underneath was this profound sadness - emptiness - that I couldn't really release and I couldn't really ignore, I certainly can't just turn it off. Would that it were so. Plus, there were a million reminders of my infertility, every time I turned around. Infertility is such a difficult grief to share with people who don't live it, who don't feel that particular brand of emptiness, and that fight against time - which, for me, is a fight I am losing.

Worst of all, I couldn't be as supportive as I'd want to be about things like the issues and pressures of raising small children. I am generally an empathetic and compassionate person, but it's very difficult on this subject, as it's my deepest desire to just have the chance to face these same issues. I feel like it's as if I were paralyzed and my friend was sharing how much her legs ache from running, or something like that... I would imagine that paralyzed person would care deeply about her friend, but would be distracted by how incredibly much she would give just to have legs that could run - and ache. Oh for the opportunity to ache. Yep, the grass is always greener, I suppose, but give me that chance please.

Anyhow, I guess my lack of supportiveness makes me a very bad friend, though I used to always think I was a good friend, but it's so hard. I am simply and profoundly sad right now, and I just can't empathize on that level right now. I'm so sorry for that, but I can't just turn it on or off, no matter how much I wish I could.

Well, after our 3 hour ride back, I dropped off my dear friend and quickly proceeded to cry and utter nonsense blubbering to the Lord, the rest of the way to our place - and more or less the rest of the night. Poor Ar, I even lost it on him a little.

My heart just hurts. I suppose that is ok. I need to grieve this cycle - another lost cycle. I kept taking my lovely progesterone suppositories through Saturday, because I knew that I could not handle getting my period on this trip - that would have sent me right over. I didn't take any today though, so hopefully AF will come soon - and we'll start up again. So I will grieve, I will let this cycle go, and then prepare again, as there "is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away...." (Ecclesiastes 3:4 -6)

Someday soon, it may be time to give up - but not today.

Love and gratitude to you, my friends, for your prayers and support. I realize that no matter how much I treasure my oldest and dearest friends, I would be lost without the support and understanding of fellow journey-women, who I would not even know were it not for this IF monster. I guess it's like the old girl scouts song, "make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold." I pray I can be a better friend in the future though, to my old friends, despite how broken I feel. ♥