Oh, what a day...

Today was cycle day 11. Eleven.... Eleven!!!

In related news, today - the aforementioned cycle day 11 - I began ovulating. Bleh!!!!

I went in for my u/s and had a 17mm follicle, which was great - and further along than I was last month on day 11. They did some blood work and called to tell me my LH was positive and my estradiol was good - and that instead of doing IUI on Monday - day 14 - as we'd expected, we have to do it tomorrow, day 12. Sounds ok, right? Except that darling Ar is out of town for business... he left yesterday. His producing a sample is kind of an integral part of this process... Ugh!!! We had every reason to believe IUI would be Monday. We wanted to have 4-5 days abstinence to try to help his counts, so we were together Wednesday night (day 9), thinking that would be perfect for Monday....

So, with him a five hour drive away - further complicated by the fact that we were incommunicado due to phone issues on his part - I kinda freaked out a bit, I'm ashamed to say.

I honestly thought we lost this cycle... I couldn't get a hold of him, and it's tomorrow or never (never for this cycle, anyhow - and right now this cycle is all I've got, you know.)

So... freak out. At work. Probably no one else knew, but I did.

Anyhow, Ar was able to get a new phone there - so we were finally able to talk, and I'm like hyperventilating as I tell him what's going on... thinking this whole cycle is shot! He calmly and without hesitation tells me he'll drive home tonight after his show closes (at 9/9:30 pm). He tells me to get him the earliest possible appointment for tomorrow morning - he'll do his thing, and drive the five hours back. His show opens tomorrow at 10 am.

I cannot tell you how much I love him. I started crying, because I just felt in such a dither. Maybe none of it seems that awful to read about, but I thought this whole cycle was just shot... An awful feeling - and the uncertainty only lasted a few hours, I suppose, but it felt like forever.

Well, I called the clinic and they are booked up till about 10 am... I begged and pleaded, and begged and pleaded some more, for them to squeeze him in... I'd already been telling the nurse this morning that he was out of town, but that he would be back in time for Monday. After being on and off hold for what felt like forever, they came back and said they could squeeze him in if he's there first thing in the morning - which is 8 am for them. So, we took it. Unfortunately, that will only give Ar about an hour and a half to get to his show, but he says to not worry about it... he will find someone to man our booth - and he will be here.

Ohhh - this man, he amazes me. He never hesitated. See, the thing is, Ar is VERY hard working and dedicated. This is his own business - and it's only him doing it (and me in support), so he doesn't have paid time off, he doesn't have back-up, and it's just really not easy to be flexible... And, frankly, we need the money from it, of course. For him, it's no work - no pay.

BUT, he will be here. He'll drive through the night (ugh!!) after working all day, and do his thing, and drive back, and work all day.... I love him so much, I just feel overwhelmed - I can't believe him, he's amazing.

So, anyhow, we're set for IUI, I guess. It's 10:09 pm here, and he just left. It's snowing, so it may take more than five hours. I always worry about his drives. Anyhow...

Well, after settling all that this afternoon, I called the nurse back because I wanted a little affirmation to settle my nerves. I wanted to review things. She was so sweet... she was very encouraging about my levels today, and very empathetic about the craziness. I said something like, "Yeah, and now I'm a little worried, after all this, that my nerves are going to ruin my follicle and end ovulation!" She said, "Trust me, if stress actually had anything to do with conception, NO ONE would get pregnant - ever!" Wow!!! Seriously, I almost started crying at her words!!! People sooooo love to tell us infertility is all because of stress and to just relax, right. So to hear a nurse tell me that was like.... WOW!!! She then said, "Just think of the story you can tell this kid about how much you wanted him..." TEARS!!! I mean, I know that was just a thing to say - there are no guarantees, but it made me believe this could really happen!! Part of me knows that's a danger sign, and a set up for greater disappointment - but the other part of me knows that hope is still always the better choice!!! I liked her words, very much!

Oh, and she also told me to go home and have a glass of wine tonight, if I feel like it and to just take care of myself. I said "really?" and almost started crying again... She said, "yes - just have a glass if you want and take it easy - then we'll take care of the rest." If I could hug through a phone line, you know I would have.

Actually, that conversation was all a little too good to be true.... I'm starting to wonder if I was really talking to anyone at all - or if I just imagined it all.

But, I did my hCG shot at 8 pm. Now I'm savoring a smallish glass of wine, waiting for my dearest, and hoping for the best.