The envelope please...

...and the winner is.... definitely not me. I did my POAS this morning, and it was a big, freakin, fat negative.

Then I went back to bed. I did tell Ar, who was still asleep and couldn't quite pull out of the sleep, but he did hear me and give me some love pats. He has a big weekend of work, so I didn't want to wake him up. I didn't really want to talk anyhow. I just laid there staring at the ceiling. I eventually just fell back asleep too, where I dreamed about the BFN and that I was sobbing and sobbing about it. When I woke up, I still hadn't cried though... I just feel --- empty. Very empty, like this dull pain is just permeating my body, leaving it devoid of everything else.

Empty - that is how I feel.

Ahh, but that is only a feeling, an important feeling, but I am, in fact, not empty. I'm not. I'm full of cells, and bones, and blood, and organs, and tears, and love, and hurt, and disappointment, and hopes, and dreams, and what-ifs. But right now I just want to sleep it all away.

I can't - I have to get my behind in gear for the girls' weekend. I'm supposed to leave in 25 minutes, and I'm still in my robe. I just want to stay in bed though! I love my friends, but I just want to stay in bed.

Sweet Ar already had to leave for his work. It was hard, especially because I did start crying right before he left, he was being so sweet to me. I just want to be in bed, next to him.

Breathe in, breathe out.

I was thinking though, that - well, at least I did it. I got through my first cycle back - and that's something, right? I had some bad days, everyone does, but overall, I did ok. I'm thankful, so thankful, for that. I knew the peace that passes all understanding, throughout much of this cycle. I pray for the Lord to fill me with that peace now, to fill me, rather than me making myself stay empty.

I know why I'd rather stay empty - theoretically, it might hurt less. Allowing the grief to wash over us is so painful, sometimes empty sounds better. I don't think it is better though, so please, please, Lord - fill me with your peace, your strength, because I am not nearly as strong as I once thought I was. And thank you for bringing me through this cycle.

Well, I best get ready for my weekend. I don't feel ready to face it, but here it is anyhow.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)