Just the last few days, I've been grappling with this idea... maybe it's because of my dream that I wrote about last time, where I was screaming and sobbing. Then I was drowning, still screaming and sobbing. In order to come to the surface, in order to just survive, I had to stop screaming. Stop taking in so much water. I so vividly recall the feeling of being so far under that water... surrounded with water.... choking on the water.... the struggle and the tears on my wet face. It feels like it really happened. Maybe it did.
Now, please know that I don't actually put a ton of stock in dreams - but I do put some stock in them. The thing is knowing when a dream is just silliness, or if it really means something.
It's like I can still feel that water - and the feeling of struggling so hard to get my head above water, and sobbing and screaming so hard.
Sounds kinda familiar.
Only in my dream, I realized that my screaming is only making it worse for myself.
The memory has taken hold of me more each day.
So maybe it's because of this dream that over the last few days, I've been thinking differently. Wondering differently... Seriously wondering, what if? What if it really just never happens for me? I haven't been thinking this in despair - for once - by the way. More in an intellectual, or philosophical way - definitely personal, but slightly objective. What if it just doesn't happen?
In my dream, I made it to the surface only after I stopped screaming - but then I still had to watch someone else living out my heart's desire. I don't know what happened after I got to shore, I only know that I had to accept the way it was, at that moment. Without screaming.
So, what if I just stop? I'm so tired of struggling. I'm so tired of screaming and sobbing. Of taking in water. But that doesn't mean I don't want this. With all of me, I want to mother Ar's child. That sounds so old-fashioned, doesn't it? But it's in every part of me.
I need to just stop screaming. Stop with the sobbing, already! How will I ever get to the surface like this?
Does not screaming, and not sobbing mean I don't care anymore? Does it mean I've given up?
It's so hard to find balance in this barren land.
Is it possible to be normal and still want this with every breath?
I'm still too overweight right now to really feel it's a good idea to pursue active treatment - I mean, I could do more IUI. I don't know though - as much as I want it, I haven't felt it the right time to jump back into that. It made me into a stark-raving lunatic before - and I'm so very hesitant to want to go through it again. Does that mean I don't want it as much? I honestly don't think it means that, but it's hard to figure out. Speaking of stark-raving lunacy, I'm probably not supposed to get pregnant on my anxiety meds, anyhow - though I know that can be dealt with.
Well, in the meantime, we certainly do keep doing things that theoretically could lead to pregnancy. That is, if you believe that whole myth about sex causing pregnancy... which I don't believe, of course. I'm pretty sure that was a lie made up by our health-ed teachers to get us to not mess around. But, in the unlikely event that sex could lead to pregnancy, if we don't get pregnant after these past few weeks, it's sure not for lack of trying. Sorry if that's too much info, but even though we weren't doing anything specifically with conception in mind, it is impossible - impossible - to not think about it.
So, we've had a nice last couple weeks that way - very enjoyable!! But here I am anyhow, thinking about it.... because, maybe.... it is technically possible, after all, according to those (probably liar) health-ed teachers, anyhow. Sigh, because at the same time I'm seriously contemplating the greater likelihood that it probably is just not ever going to happen for me, and knowing that if I'm going to avoid a watery grave, I must stop screaming.
Can I face an uncertain future without screaming and sobbing?
Can I face it if I don't stop?
Rich Mullins, Nothing is Beyond You
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