Hiccups

Well, going back to work today after a whole week off was a little tough, but vacation was pretty wonderful. It was lovely to get away to the Wisconsin woods!! I had Ar there, and family, bonfire and s'mores -- and lots of wildlife. Ar and my brother caught some nice Northerns, so we had a pretty delicious fish fry!! We also had the best prime rib in the world - out at a local restaurant. I also read two books during vacation. So, yeah - when all is said and done - it was really a nice time.

There was some family drama, of course. Is any family vacation complete without that? But, it was ok.

However, it made me realize more about my anxiety issues... it made me realize all the more that there are really two levels of anxiety in my life. The kind that is treated by medicine because my brain chemistry is out of whack, probably due to pretty severe stress over the last years, dealing with infertility, as well as financial set backs... but there's also the kind that the medicine doesn't prevent... the kind that comes from somewhere else, somewhere deeper. That kind seems harder to manage because it's the same one that made me lie awake in my bed at night, when I was just a kid, with a pit the size of a watermelon in my stomach as I just listened... terrified because the fighting in the next room shook me to my core. And for some reason, there are certain elements of being with certain members of my family that just bring that feeling back. No one means to, but it's like this chemical reaction. It makes me just crawl far inside a shell, like I used to crawl deeper into my blankets. My jovial self disappears and I try my darnedest to become invisible.

So, though vacation really was lovely, this happened at one point. I realize now that this is anxiety too. Funny enough, I never thought about it in that context before, but I need to learn how to deal with this better. To manage it without becoming invisible. How do you change the way two chemicals react to each other, though? Maybe I should have paid more attention in chemistry classes...

But that aside, it was a good 85% lovely! I did get myself over that little hiccup, but only because I took one of the meds I keep for emergencies. I feel terrible that I had to do that, but I know myself - and I didn't want to ruin vacation. When I go into that shell, when I go invisible, it's hard to undo it. I'm not going to beat myself up about this - I've identified something, and I'll tackle it so that I can manage it better next time.

So, that was the downside. The rest was all good! Despite the hiccup, it really was good to spend time with my family - in the outdoors! My nephew and niece are so much fun!! I enjoyed hanging with them - a lot!!!! So did Ar! Ar and my nephew did a lot of fishing together, whittling together, looking for kindling together, and chit chatting. They were adorable!!!!

Ohhhhh - how I wish I could give Ar a son.

When I said that to him, he just replied, "You've already given me so much!!"

It melted me to hear him say that!!! He means it - the dear man means it!!!

But part of me wonders if that means he no longer believes we can do this. If he's accepting that this is the outcome. If that's the case, then he's telling me it's ok, that I'm enough. I do love that!!! It's reassuring to hear, though not surprising, in light of my questioning about if this never happens. We'll be ok!

But my heart still aches. Ultimately, I guess that's why I know I'm not ready to give up yet.

Oh, but I've been trapped in such a strange limbo world lately. Round and round she goes. Where she stops, nobody knows.