You know, I just don't have that certainty. I want very much to be a mom. It's not that I'm a pessimist - I consider myself a realist. The reality is that it may not happen. I haven't been given a promise by God that I'll be a mom. I can claim many other promises from God, but not that one. Realistically speaking, I need to explore the idea that I just may not be able to get pregnant and carry a baby. Adoption is not an option for us - our age and finances are prohibitive factors. So.... I do keep hoping that my health-ed teachers were right about sex leading to pregnancy, but after almost six years, that just seems like pie in the sky kinda urban legend mythology nonsense from happy land! Of course, there's more IUI, or IVF if I can get myself ready. But I really think that's it for us. And so it may not happen.
So as I grapple with what being childless would mean for us - for me - and how I would move forward, which is rather hard to imagine right now, quite frankly, part of me keeps being struck by the somewhat ironic (to some) fact that I'm "not a baby person." I've never been one of those super-baby people... never been one of those gals who is just so fascinated by all things baby. Who has to hold and touch every baby... who has to smell every baby, squeeze every tiny toe... who says strange things like: "That is just the sweeeeeeetest baby!! I'm going to get my baby spoon and just gobble her up!!"
I'm not that gal. There's nothing wrong with that gal (ok, well... actually, the baby spoon thing is a bit over the top!) But baby cannibalizing spoons aside, it's just not me. I don't need to hold and smell every baby I see - and there's nothing wrong with that either. I dearly love my little niblings (my nephew and niece) - I think they are just the bee's knees!!!! Most other babies are nice and all... I don't dislike them by any stretch - but, unless I have a reason to be gaga over them, I'm really not. I appreciate the cuteness, but I'll leave it at that.
The reason I mention about this is because it seems to surprise some of my friends that I want to be a mom so much, because they know I'm not that gal... so they wonder, why do I want this so much?
Ummmm. I don't know - why do I want to breathe? I don't know - it's just what seems natural - and right and good. Just because I don't want to gobble other people's babies up, with weird creepy baby spoons, doesn't mean I don't want to be a mom.
As if only people who are googoo gaga over every baby would want to have their own child. In fact, I know some googoo gaga people, who really never wanted their own children. All I ever do when people point out that I'm not a baby person, and express surprise at my desire, is just say something like, "it's not the same, you know - other babies aren't the same as having a child with Ar would be."
It's just that it is not possible for me to explore what it would mean for us to not have a child together, without continuing to explore what it would mean to have one.
How can you explain such a thing? Such a desire - such a deep down need? How do you define it? It just seems right and good. It would be right and good to have someone with Ar's cute face for us to love and to raise and to teach - important things and silly things. I well understand that child-rearing isn't all unicorns and rainbows!! It's hard and grueling work, but work done in tremendous love and with such purpose! So, what can be said? I love Ar and it just seems natural to want this with him, even though I don't want to eat babies with spoons - or forks, or even my bare hands. I think it's weird that anyone should want to "scoop off their little cheeks and eat them."
(Seriously - these are quotes I've heard recently, from different people. Disturbing, to say the least!!!! But babies are cute, for sure! Just not edible.)
Maybe if I'd married a real creep it wouldn't matter so much to me. I don't know, but the more in love with Ar I grow, the more I want this with him. That's all I know, folks.
Well, that and that it's wrong - WRONG - to eat baby cheeks!!!! Just say "NO!"
Thank you!! What is with the "eating of babies"?! Someone posted a picture of their new baby on their blog with the word "Delicious!" as the caption...Since when was eating children and calling them delicious ok?! It's like we've all been dragged into a Hansel and Gretel storybook!
ReplyDeleteOn a more serious note..You have asked the toughest question that an infertile woman can ask "When do I come to grips with the fact that it just might not happen?" I've attempted this thought a few times but I always run away from it. It's like even if we say that we've come to grips with it, deep down the hope never dies...Does it??
This is post both made me think and made me laugh. I have to admit, I have always been a crazy baby loving person, though I have never gone down the canibalistic road. But that picture is so cute.
ReplyDeleteI think you are right about the difference between babies in general and having your own. I'm sorry if people have made you feel like it's weird to want your own.
They are big questions- I'm still at the stage where if I think about that "what if never" I just run away from it. Will pray for you as you process these thoughts.
I always think it odd when my MIL says she's going to eat my children... I refrain from mentioning it though. But I do keep an especially close eye on her when she is around them, just for this reason.
ReplyDeleteHee hee, Melissa!! Sleep w/ one eye open when she's around!! :-D
Delete