Step By Step

Today was distressing on many levels. First of all, AF reared her ugly head. Despite all my brave talk of late about considering that it just might not happen for me, which I'm completely genuine about, AF showed up -- and I'm a mess. A big, fat, huge, ridiculous, chocolate-eating mess.

It wasn't exactly a surprise... I saw a pimple start to form a few days ago. It was a sure sign. Still, hope hasn't died in me... not yet. Hopefully never. Although if it really never does happen for me, this specific hope will have to somehow transform into something else.... what though? Acceptance? Peace? A butterfly? Or perhaps an heroic Autobot out to save the universe? Well, maybe... We'll see - I'm not quite there yet, obviously, because today I was a BIG mess.

But I had to work, and at work I have to be happy, happy all the day. And so I was, to the best of my acting ability. I got to give someone an early wedding present today, so that cheered me up!! Also, Ar took me to lunch, which is always a treat!!!!

I told him today, maybe it's time to think about trying IUI again.... it's the first time in a very long time that I've started to feel that maybe I could start getting ready for that again. But I haven't seen an RE in over a year, and I'm really more overweight than I should be. So we'll see about that. It wasn't a decision - it just came out.

Still, I'm not running away from that ugly "what if" question anymore, as I used to. That I'm not running from the question anymore actually scares me a bit. The question is all well and good, so I'll continue to explore it. I must, even if I'm not quite there yet - not quite done yet.

Then for further upsetting news today, later in the day Ar's good friend told him that he and his wife were both just diagnosed with cancer. Unbelievable!

Also, a fellow online IFer friend told our group about her sister-in-law who got pregnant again. Pregnancy announcements are always a bit tough, right - even though we're happy for our loved ones! In this case though, the sister-in-law already has two kids with her husband, and she feels too busy right now for a third, so she aborted the baby. This just made me sick. It literally made me sick to my stomach. I know this is obviously a controversial topic, and I'm not here to debate rights and what-not, I'm just saying it made me sick to hear! I can barely type this without getting sick again.

Soooo.... moving on because I have nothing further to say about that, today marked the one month anniversary of being 40. So far in my 40s, I've lost one dear friend to cancer, another dear friend lost his mother to cancer, and now there have been two more cancer diagnoses, and I've just had my second AF of my 40s. Did anyone ever tell us there'd be days like these?

But, I have a wonderful and lovely hubby, whom I absolutely adore and am so thankful for!!! And I have dear friends!!! And a family that loves me!!! And God is still so good!!!! The world is sick and messy, but God is good! Infertility cannot destroy those things - any more than cancer can. They can take so much, but they cannot take those things that are dearest and truest!

The only thing I know at the end of this rather icky day is that if it never happens for me, one way or another, or whatever else happens to me, I will be ok. I can't fathom being ok with it yet, but I know I will. Step By Step, right.... Hopefully I'll keep remembering this... I will be ok - no matter the outcome. Step By Step....