Hope never does die though, does it? I guess sometimes I'm sick of the hope, the most. My therapist was saying last week that I'm clearly an optimist. It was funny to hear her say that because often times people have thought I'm a pessimist. I've always known they were wrong, but it's hard to really explain that to people. It was so nice to have a doctor of human psychology see that I am indeed an optimist. It was somehow validating, though I didn't realize I cared about that validation.
See, I don't really wear rose-colored glasses - I'm not that sort of optimist. I see things how they are - the good, the bad, and the ugly. I figure that way you know what you have to deal with, which is generally helpful. I often think optimism does not mean what people think it means... But that's ok. As for me, and this is what I was discussing with my therapist a bit, I truly believe that if you walk out in faith and trust, persevere, and you operate with due diligence, that somehow it'll work out. That if not, you maybe need to make some adjustments and re-examine, but your goals are still within reach. The answer is out there!
I also believe in miracles, and hope really never does seem to die. Ironically, those are the very things that break my heart so much in this IF journey.
Note to self, remember that you're still only looking at a small part of the story...
Even after six years, it's really only been just a few chapters, don't ya think? I am 40, but I'm - only - 40. Gotta keep on reading. After all, who really knows what's next? Maybe there will be an awesome and amazing twist. After all, I've got a pretty spectacular author!!!
Of course, there-in lies the problem... I always think what lies next is exactly what I so long for!! And so it is hard to keep asking that question - that, "what if it never is that which I so long for?" I guess maybe that's why I've sort of turned myself off lately, a bit. Maybe I just need a break from thinking, for a bit. Honestly, I keep secretly hoping it'll just work out - I see it happen for all sorts of other people. As much as I know and say and think and proclaim about how there's a very good likelihood it won't happen, the truth is - I just hope against all hope that it'll happen. Plus, I don't have a framework for what to do if it never ever happens.
Another note to self, you still have your own history. Remember!!!!
A lot of difficult things have happened in my history. I have to remember that when I was in the midst of them, it was unclear when or how the good would come - but it always did, one way or another. It wasn't necessarily what I expected - and I suppose that's what I'm most afraid of here... I trust, but am I willing to give up my (perceived) control and really accept that it can be good, even if it isn't the good I so desire?
Oh, that's too much thinking for this tired old brain, tonight.
Anyhow, I found myself feeling pretty sadly empty last night, when I went to bed. I tuned it out by reading, but it was there. Darling Ar is out of town until Sunday night, and I miss him terribly! Our place is neater and more organized when he's gone - no dishes in the sink, no duffle bags and "stuff" near the door... I can watch what ever I please on tv, or read my Kindle all night long... but it's so empty and lifeless without him. He brings so much to me, just by being near. Of course we talk and text 20 times a day while he's gone, but I just miss his big, crazy hugs. Sometimes he hugs me so tight that I can't breathe for a few seconds. How I love that!!!!! He has the best hugs. I seriously think the man could make a living by charging money for his amazing hugs!!!! The nearness of his fuzzy face always makes me happiest!! I miss his warmth. I miss his snores. I miss his curmudgeonly little quirks and his uniquely him perspectives on life. So as I laid down alone last night, the emptiness overwhelmed me a bit. Not only because Ar is gone this week, because I trust that he'll be back, but for the other person that is missing too. The person I don't know and may never know. The person I want to see my sweet Ar's face in. The person I already love, as only a mother loves.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12: 1 & 2)
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