The best laid plans...

So it seems the nearest island is only about four or so miles away...  Hmm, guess I will have to reconsider my plan to run away.

In the meantime, I'm trying to get my act together. It's hard to do, you know. But I am feeling a bit better this week. Despite my dread, our weekend to the homeland was fine. There was, as always, some weirdness (it's family, after all), but overall it was just fine. It was good to spend a weekend with Ar, and good to see my people.

Also, blue toes never hurt anything... it was nice enough for a few days to get pedicures and don my flops!!

A couple days of darling hubby, quality time with BFF, pretty toes, and flip flops are enough to cheer up even my cold, embittered heart.

Not to mention the loveliest, most refreshing, margaritas ever: lemon basil (left) for me and pineapple and serrano pepper (right) for her, accompanied by delicious fajitas.

Ahh, but prior to the weekend, it really was a weird last couple weeks. Sometimes you feel like a rabbit and the world is a hound... (guess that means it's time to stick out your tongue and make a real funny sound).

Well, in an effort to get back on track, today I went to a chiropractor. My body feels like it's been run over by three mack trucks - and that things went downhill from there...

These last years have been heck on my body, mind, and spirit.  My body aches all the time. My weight gain doesn't help, I'm sure, but it had started before the weight gain.

So I met with a chiropractor - I've never been a chiropractor person before, other than going for two visits, courtesy of a dear and generous friend. That was a good experience, but that doctor wasn't covered by insurance, and was a bit of a drive. So I decided to try someone new: (Dr.) Brian. He seemed very genuine and he listened. And he made me laugh, even though I felt like crying. I like that. I liked him.

It's hard to believe that I still start to completely break-up when I have to tell someone new about my IF.

It's still just so very hard to say. To accept.

Friday I'm checking out a new therapist, as well. We'll see. I'm more nervous about that, strangely enough, than I was putting my neck and spine in the hands of a stranger.  Hmm, I guess my neck and spine are just not nearly as fragile as my heart and mind, now are they?

Oh, but I do need to find a way to move forward. It's hard to be miserable for so long. It's hard to keep hoping. It's harder still give up hope. It's nearly impossible to believe I can't find a way to overcome this.

Dreams and hopes. Cruel mistresses, to be sure.

Anyhow, I found myself saying some unexpected things these past few days. Firstly, I said, in reference to my miserable self, that maybe it really is always darkest before the dawn. I guess that's a measure of hope, right.

Secondly, I said that I already know all the answers... the problem is that I can't get past the questions.

I think I need help getting past the questions. And I need help accepting that sometimes the answer is that there is none.

Maybe I'll get my mind, heart, and body back in whack at some point. Though I won't hold my breath. Hmm, does that mean I'll be completely wacky again?