Self portraits

So, I was wanting for new and I got something new: all my hair is gone. Well, not all of it, but definitely most of it.

"'Your hair! Your beautiful hair!' 'Oh, Jo, how could you? Your one beauty.'" 

(Little Women)

It's the shortest my hair has ever been - at least since this beauty of a do.

Please, please try not to be jealous of what a fine looking 6th grader I was: jealousy does not become you. After all, some of us just have it, what can I say?

My new haircut, which looks just a bit better than the 6th grade me, seems to be working for me. It's strange though, I keep thinking it's off my face because it's up in one of my bird's nest hair-dos, but no... it's just that short. There's no hair on my neck, at all. It'll be great for Honduras.

So, what else is new? Well, I've been having the strangest dreams the last few nights. One night I dreamed that I spoke my mind to every person who said something in the horribly insensitive column. It felt incredibly freeing, though I'd never say such things in real life. The next night I dreamed that we were going to get to try one round of IVF - and I knew it would work. I knew we'd get to be parents together. Oh how wonderful that felt!! The next night I dreamed that we did have a child, but someone took him away from us.

Dreams giveth and they taketh away.

Lately I've been working more on appreciating the pleasantries about the childless life: sleeping in, tromping aimlessly around taking photos without time boundaries, and reading as long as I please.

Also, the sound of screeching is difficult to take in high doses. I went to my favorite little Mexican restaurant for lunch today, after church. I forget that it's a bad idea to go there after church... I may as well have had my lunch in the McDonald's play room. There was a lot of screeching, children running around unattended, and pounding of feet into my booth.  It was rather nice to be able to walk away from that.  I wasn't even irritated though, strangely enough. I've been experiencing more feelings of contentment this last week. There have been the usual tears and grief, but overall I've felt more steady than I have in a while.

Even though I still know I'd gladly take all the tough, and give up all the great, in a heartbeat...  if only I could.

And even though the dreams about having a child taken from us and about getting to do IVF have haunted me.

But such is the way of dreams.

Well, speaking of tromping around, and since I've already posted an embarrassing 6th grade photo of myself that should probably be burned, this week's photo challenge theme was self portrait.  This looks about right.

Hmm, but methinks this one does an even better job of it.

Week 15 of Photo 52: Self portrait

Well, I'm not sure I want to show a psychologist my choice of self portrait, but it definitely suited me.  As usual, even for self portrait, I was wandering around, wondering what to do for my photo submission. By the way, that's always a good thing, in my book. I enjoy the journey of it, and I like to remain open to where my camera might lead.

Vaguely, my brain had some thought of a reflection, maybe in a neat doorway or window or something, so I tromped around searching for inspiration. I ended up at one of the large parks nearby and saw a bridge that looked pretty, but it wasn't really working for me. As I tromped back across the snow covered field to my car, going back the long way, I happened upon this little well and I could see myself in it, even before I saw myself in it.

It was a lovely find. The dead, forgotten leaves... the odd angles of sunlight.... the out-of-the way location...  With all the snow we had last week (ugh!!), somehow the bottom of this lonely, shallow well appeared to be the only place in the entire park that was not snow covered.

There was something very sad, yet hopeful, about this little well. Sound like anyone you know?

Despite some worry I might break my neck trying to get this photo, turning a shallow well into a shallow grave, I went for it.  Having no plan or experience photographing myself in a well's reflection, it took awhile to start getting something that worked.  I've no doubt I looked quite insane, in the meantime. I ended up just taking continuous shots to see what happened, and hadn't even realized that my arm had gone up in the air, as it did in this shot.

I was pretty sure I had something good - something fitting - and couldn't wait to get home to check it out on a bigger screen. Too bad I got lost getting home... In a lot of matters, I have great instincts. Directions are not one of those matters. It's very sad. Don't be surprised to find me lost trying to make it out of my own driveway, someday. Still, being so pleased with my find, and since my being lost landed me right in front of a sushi restaurant, I decided to treat myself to some Philadelphia Rolls to take home.. Mmm!! So all in all, it was a very pleasant weekend, capped off by my sweet Ar returning home tonight.

Happily, I even got ahead on my next photo(s), the theme being April showers. I'm kind of excited over the photos I got for that today, despite the soaking wet socks, and happy that I typically carry my camera with me.

Jesus said to them, “Children, do you have any fish?” They answered him, “No.” He said to them, “Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some.” So they cast it, and now they were not able to haul it in, because of the quantity of fish. That disciple whom Jesus loved therefore said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” (John 21:5-7)