I haven't been on here quite as much lately, mostly because things have been so busy lately. Busy-ness is not always good for reflection, but that is always a bit of a blessing in itself... Balance is good. I think things are settling down a bit.
The other reason for not being on as much is that I haven't had much going on. I've largely been trying to ignore our RE appt for today, so that I wouldn't get nervous! Today I'm starting to feel nervous again. What if he has decided since I last saw him (last month) that I really am too old and fat... ugh! He poo-pooed that before, but I'm still nervous about it.
But, nonetheless, we will face it all together. Our appointment is at 1:45 today. Yikes!!! I've been looking forward to it, and am proud of myself for not being anxious about the results of our testing. We should get the results today and discuss next steps. I'm sure they've had the results for a while now, but I haven't called for them or anything. I knew it wouldn't help and so I've decided to just work on patience int his process. What a novel idea, eh? That was not something I excelled at last time we went through treatment.
I've been struggling with some other ideas lately though - maybe to make up for calmness about this. Ha! It will pass, but just thoughts of envy, I suppose... we're not doing great financially. We're ok, but definitely struggling. I'm not a very materialistic person in general, but sometimes... I just want to go to a Packers game! I want a smart phone! I don't want the world. I'm content living simply, for the most part - and I know full well that we live waaayyyyy better than so many people. But sometimes it's hard. I hate those times. It can be a battle.
And there's this little part of me that sometimes says, "Hey - why do they get kids AND go to multiple games AND have all the latest technology?" I tell that part to shut up, but she does get to me sometimes...
But here's the thing... I am not saying that people who have all that are unhappy, but I know that I have an amazing and wonderful marriage with an amazing and wonderful man!!! I would not trade him for all the Packers games and smart phones in the world!!!!!
I'm not going to kick myself for having human feelings, I suppose, but it can be hard sometimes.
I believe it was C.S. Lewis who said, "Heaven is the satisfaction of the yearning that is always present."
And I know it was Rich Mullins who sang,
"Everybody I know says they need just one thing
And what they really mean is that they need just one thing more
And everybody seems to think they've got it coming
Well I know that I don't deserve You
Still I want to love and serve You more and more
You're my one thing
Save me from those things that might distract me
Please take them away and purify my heart
I don't want to lose the eternal for the things that are passing
Cause what will I have when the world is gone
If it isn't for the love that goes on and on...."
Here's the rest of it:
There's no time for proofing today... I'm off to my RE in an hour!!
I hope you're having a wonderful Friday!!! ♥
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