Are we as strong as we think we are?

"We are frail
We are fearfully and wonderfully made
Forged in the fires of human passion
Choking on the fumes of selfish rage
And with these our hells and our heavens
So few inches apart
We must be awfully small
And not as strong as we think we are..." (Rich Mullins)

I'm a huge Rich Mullins fan - always have been, always will be!! So many of his songs speak to me on this very real, very deep level. For some reason this song just popped into my head today on my way home from the doctor (not IF related.) I've thought of these words a lot over the last year or so.... In my admitted weakness over this last couple years, I've really begun to appreciate the truth of this, that indeed, I am not as strong as I thought I was.

And that's ok.

Sometimes (on Facebook) Resolve, or some other IF related organization will ask something like, "What's the biggest thing you've discovered about yourself through your IF journey?" Many women answer that they've found they were stronger than they thought. In the last year +, I've answered the opposite, that I am not as strong as I thought I was. Plain and simple. That's a little hard to take at first, and some would balk to even read this, I think. But now, I embrace it. I'm good with it. I don't need to be strong. I think my errant belief in my own strength is what sort of did me in before - or at least contributed to it.

See, I've long believed that the Lord is my strength. But that belief has probably been more academic to me, in all honesty. In practice, I've felt I need to show the world... go it alone... make it happen.... stick-to-itiveness and sheer force of will will bring me through.

Not this time. Not anymore. I am not as strong as I thought I was - and that's ok because,

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him." (Psalm 28:7)

Along with this realization, I've realized that I have hope. Not that desperate kind of "it has to happen because I'm going to make it happen" crazed sort of hope. And not that crazed, sort of delusional, against all odds kind of hope, either. I realized today that I feel true hope. My regular doctor, who I was seeing for an unrelated reason, asked me how the RE stuff was going. I told her that we just found out the tests were all good - and that we're planning on IUI at the end of January. I also found myself asking her if I would still see her, if we were to get pregnant - so we talked about that. As I drove home, I wondered why I would ask her that. After all, the likelihood is still against us. But acknowledging that didn't make me feel bad, any more than imagining I could get pregnant from IUI made me unreasonably exuberant. It didn't - it just felt - like me. Hopeful, yet rooted.

As I drove home, I found myself praying... In itself, that's not so odd, but to be honest, prayer hasn't come as easily to me as it used to. I regret that that is true, but it is. So, I found myself praying that I would always remember that the Lord is my strength and my shield, that I would trust in him and his help, and give thanks to him. I prayed that this would be true, no matter what our outcome. I know who I am. I am a child of God! And I don't need to be as strong as I thought I was. I am God's child!! I - am - God's - child!!! And if he loves me half as much as I love the children I've never had, that would be a miracle in itself!!! Yet I know that he loves me about a jillion times more than I can ever even ask or imagine. So whether or not I have a child myself, will not change the fact that I am his. And as I reflect back on who I was after my last IUI, two years ago, the sad fact is that I wasn't actually in any shape to be a mother. I don't know that I am now, but at least I know I don't know - ya know?

Oh, Lord, help me to live what I know is true - help me cling to that truth, rather than the lies that come so easily in this world... and in this IF nightmare. And for those of my friends, who are so hurting right now, especially in the holiday season, which should be so joyful, but can be so painful, I ask for your peace and your hope to fill them.

And now, I give you the full song: We are not as strong as we think we are. (How I love and miss Rich Mullins!)