Helpless

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Today found me in a bit of a dither. Maybe I just stayed up too late last night, I'm not sure. Ar went to bed early from a busy work weekend, plus he had to get up at 3am to head out to another show this morning. Well, I worked on Words with Friends and wrote a blog, then just as I was going to turn in, I discovered one of my favorite stupid movies on tv... ("Bees, bees!!!! Save yourselves - your firearms are useless against them!!!") and having no boundaries, or good decision making skills, I watched the rest of it. Basically I went to bed when Ar was just waking up to leave. That was actually nice because we laid there and talked for a while, then I got back up and helped him get going. Usually I'm snoring when he leaves. After he left, I couldn't fall asleep. So, hopefully that explains today's difficulties, but... that's probably an oversimplification.

Today isn't the first time lately I've found myself battling with anxiety again. This has been happening a bit more lately - well, first after the episode with my brother last weekend, and then since the BFN.... I didn't actually have a panic attack today, but I felt that anxious pit in my stomach, and every bone and muscle in my body ached something fierce. I didn't always know what all of this was, but I do now. Oh dear.

Today was a busy day of meetings and interviews at work, so I seriously didn't have time for that, but anxiety doesn't care - especially when you have to stare at a seven month pregnant belly for a couple hours of the meetings. Well, I made it through, only to come home to Ar in near tears and crawl into bed. I felt terrible about it because he's been working so hard, as always, and has a lot of business on his mind, but... I don't know. Well, he followed me in and we talked.

I told him some of what is in my mind (as if I ever actually hold back on the poor dear!) It's just that I'm just so ridiculously tired of trying and caring and of.... hoping. Hoping for this particular dream to come true. When do I get to just give up?

We're done with treatment, but we have some of drugs still... the plan is to skip this month because Ar will be gone for 10 days, starting Thursday morning (needless to say: UGHHHHH!!!!!) But in August, we plan to start up the injections again, and use them till they're gone, trying on our own. We also will have access to some Clomid, which we'd use after the injections. On the one hand, I'm grateful to have more ovulation drugs to boost our chances. On the other hand, I am so tired of trying and hoping for something that doesn't seem in the cards.

But what if it is?

That's the rub, right?

If only to have a definitive answer, if only to never have to wonder...

I'm just tired, I guess.

Well, after an hour or so of a little talk and a little relax, I started feeling a better. Better enough to finally have a little dinner, so Ar made me a fried egg with some potatoes, and a slice of the bread I made for him yesterday. He makes a mean fried egg and potatoes, by the way! Even if he didn't, I'm so grateful for his love.

In the midst of the day somewhere, a very lovely friend of mine sent me this excerpt from an email devotional she'd received today. Once again, Doc Google to the rescue - turns out it was also from Proverbs 31 Ministries, which I quoted from just the other day. This post is speaking of a woman's difficulty with her daughter, but it speaks to my pain quite well.

"...In that process, I've come to believe that God will never waste our pain, but I can.

• When I'm not honest about the reality of how hard life is, I waste God's offer of peace.

• When I try to do things in my own strength, I waste God's offer of power.

• When I keep the pain to myself, and pretend everything is perfect, I waste opportunities to minister to others walking a similar path.

But when I confess my feelings of inadequacies, when I admit I'm helpless to heal the wounded ones in my care, I get to a place of reliance - and that's just where God wants me. For in this place of helplessness, God takes center stage. And when I let God lead, miracles start to happen.

Although I'd remove the pain and trauma with a snap of my fingers if I could, I know God is working even in this.....

Dear Lord, we've been here before, with me asking for relief. Help me to accept my weakness in this situation, and to allow Your power to take over. I admit I don't understand how this works, but I'm choosing to trust Your Word. In Jesus' Name, Amen." (http://www.proverbs31.org/devotions/god-never-wastes-our-pain-2012-06/)

Amen.