A gift, and a curse

My last post was pathetic. Ugh - I hate that I wrote it. No, I like that I wrote it, because it's me and, while I want to focus on all things lovely, it would be disingenuous to omit the ugly. It's part and parcel with the good and the bad, after all. However, I do hate that I so keenly feel the ugly. After I wrote the last post, all I could think of after was what God said to Eve, after she and Adam were busted for eating of the tree from which God told them not to eat.

"To the woman he said, 'I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.' "
(Genesis 3:16)

Seems I only inherited half of that curse; I do so desire for my husband. I am blessed that he is such a good and loving man. I recognize that such intense desire, while part of the Biblical curse, is also a gift. I thank God that I've been given one who does not take advantage of this gift - and a curse.

As for the first half of that curse, and since I'm speaking like Mr. Monk: unless I am wrong, which, you know I'm not, I absolutely believe that the permanent pains of infertility are far greater than the temporary pains of childbearing. (Obviously, I have never been pregnant or delivered a child, so I can't actually be certain, yet... well, I am.)

“There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, ‘Enough!’: the grave, the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’ (Proverbs 30:15-16)

For the infertile woman, who cannot achieve her dream, there is no coming out of labor, after all: no fruit of the womb, no heritage from the Lord, no being fruitful and multiply. There is no satisfaction, no fulfillment of that ancient longing. There is no way to escape it unscathed. There is nothing that replaces it, no distraction deemed worthy.

Yes, there will one day be some sort of acceptance, whatever that looks like, but will anything ever be able to fill that void?

Life has been on hold in so many ways, as I'm written about many times, and I'll have to find a way to move forward. Tell me, though, what even comes close to filling that void? What replaces a heritage from the Lord? No really, what? These desires, they are such a gift - and such a curse.

Yes, the Lord is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Yes, I do trust he will make straight my paths. Yes, I believe in all these things I've always believed, they do bring me comfort, strength, and hope. Yet...

In a book I just finished today, I read the line, "by the time your children's children have children..." and I immediately burst out crying - in the local Smash Burger of course - because that's just what I do.

There's been an article going around in my IF groups lately, about a study: Childless women with fertility problems at higher risk of hospitalization for psychiatric disorders. Here's an excerpt from the article:

...Baldur-Felskov and her colleagues analyzed data from 98,737 Danish women who had been diagnosed with fertility problems between 1973 and 2008, cross-referencing the patients with Denmark's population-based Danish Psychiatric Central Registry. The results, presented today at the annual meeting of the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology in Istanbul, Turkey, included information on hospitalizations for psychiatric issues including alcohol abuse, schizophrenia, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders, and other forms of what the registry calls "mental disorders."

After an average of 12.6 years, 54 percent of the patients studied did end up having at least one baby. Nearly 5,000 of the women in the study were hospitalized for a psychiatric disorder of some kind after finding out that they were infertile -- the most common diagnoses were "anxiety, adjustment, and obsessive compulsive disorders" and "affective disorders including depression."

"Our study showed that women who remained childless after fertility evaluation had an 18 percent higher risk of all mental disorders than the women who did have at least one baby," Baldur-Felskov said. "These higher risks were evident in alcohol and substance abuse, schizophrenia and eating disorders...."

Cheery, huh? Surviving other devastating diseases often makes people feel empowered and gives them a renewed lease on life. Commonly, seeing their children grow up and meeting their grandchildren are goals and milestones for them. For IFers, whose pain seems to not find relief, whose quality of life seems to only decrease, what is our goal? Avoid schizophrenia??

Now, mind you, I do not fear schizophrenia or alcoholism. No, these won't be in my future - of this I am confident. My confidence rests on the love and grace of God, the Father, the love, support, and happiness from the most wonderful man in the world, my Ar, and in knowing that I have friends and family who care. I will be okay, broken but not destroyed.

I hold these two truths to be self-evident: I feel destroyed, I am not destroyed.

In more concrete news, I POAS in one week from tomorrow. Also, Ar should be home any minute now, I can't wait!! Having him home will be much better than playing his Billy Big Mouth Bass, which I do because it makes me feel like he's home... Plus, Billy does offer good advice, "Don't worry, be happy - don't worry, be happy!"

Easier said than done, Billy - easier said than done!