May flowers

Ar and I spent the first two weeks of May in Utila, Honduras. We got home late last night. At least I think we did. I'm not totally convinced it wasn't a dream. It's just such a different world. On the other hand, I have the bug bites and sun burn to indicate I was actually there.

It was a good trip. It's different being there with native Utilians - Ar, his ma, and their family - than it would be to be there as a tourist. It allows me to see it with fresh eyes, while still seeing it more as it really is - not just the touristy parts.

I always think of it a bit as paradise meets the wild, wild west.

Week 19 of Photo 52: May flowers

It's interesting and good to see Ar there, in his native land. On the soil where he was born and raised. It always reveals more things about him to me. He is truly wonderful!!

There is a baby there - the one I bought the shoes for, which I wrote about a few weeks ago - who just loved me to pieces. The feeling was quite mutual. Her mama is very sweet and lovely - and close to the family, well, she is family. Anyhow, so they came over a few times a day and baby only wanted to come to me. Mama and auntie couldn't get over how she took to me. She'd scramble out of mama's arms to come to me. She wailed when I left. One day she was wailing so hard that I was leaving, that we ended up just taking her with us on a golf cart around the island. She is precious and her mama is wonderful.

It was interesting, as I've avoided babies for a long time. I expect to resume avoidance, in all honesty, but this little girl could not be avoided. It seemed we were meant to be together, at least for those two weeks.  It felt good. I miss her.

Mother's day was a bit hard. It's kind of an even bigger deal out there. We cooked ma a meal for mother's day. Cooking was different there and it definitely ended up being a labor of love, but I'm glad we did it.

On mother's day, there were some very obnoxious  things said to me (meant humorously), with regard to mother's day and my having not yet provided them with another little cousin... It was hard and unrelenting. Eventually, I just had to say that whether or not one has kids is not always a choice. The person really pushing me on it has five kids (she's the grandmother of the little baby girl I got to love on). I truly think I handled it all well. Ar, without prompting, told me so, as well.

It's just that now that people were a little more familiar with me, having met me before, more and more of them asked if we have kids, or when we'll have kids.

Ar likes to say, "not yet" and hopes it will blow over. But it's me they're always looking at when they ask. I handled it well, though I did get teary-eyed on one porch when the conversation didn't move off this subject quickly enough.

I was told to not worry, because I'm still young. Ha! They all think I'm younger than I am, but I tried to just let it all pass. I tried to communicate, without too much moroseness, that it hasn't been our choice to not have kids - that I wish we would. It's a pretty hard line to walk, this being authentic without being morose, about something I'm pretty morose about.

In one conversation with some new friends we made out there, when they realized I am just short of 42, they were actually shocked and then said, "Oh, so you just didn't want kids - we wondered why you didn't have any."  Really? That's a pretty hasty conclusion, if I ever heard one. Well, I hesitated and Ar was speechless. I was looking to Ar for help, when the man said, "Or do you want them? It's just that it's pretty late now, so I figure you don't."  Really?  They have seven.  People who easily have just don't get the not-a-choice part of it. I got pretty teary-eyed in this conversation too, because they kept pushing the conversation... telling me that there are various other ways to have kids, don't ya know? I think I did okay in it though, especially considering that AF had shown up, which is always extra difficult.

So, yeah - so much for the guy we ran into at the airport on the way there, who Ar and ma knew from the bigger island, who also asked about our reproductive abilities - and then asked if he could touch me, as he assured me that now I'd become pregnant - and that the water on the island is very fertile. Sigh. There is no vacation from infertility.

Regardless, it was a good trip: I love the sea and being able to breathe properly and not being stuffed up... sleeping better, freshness, sun... and having to walk to get places... and ohhhh - the beautiful beauty!! Most of all, I love being with Ar in this place that brought him to his teenage years. It's so different than he knew, but it's still special and beautiful. We'll forever be connected to it. I just wish I could travel back in time and see him there then. I would like that, very much. It was a good trip - and I'm so thankful for that and for the safe travels and all the friends and family we got to spend time with. A true blessing!!

Yet, be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.