Hazy

As 2012 winds to an end, as the days get shorter and darker, and as the world has gotten itself covered in whiteness, cold, and ice, I find myself utterly exhausted - physically and emotionally.  I started off 2012 with the highest of hopes that I'd be a mom, or very nearly a mom, by the end of it.  Could that have only been a year ago?  I feel like I've aged 15 years.

It had taken so much to get back into treatment; I went all in.  When that didn't work, I wish we could have taken the next step to IVF, but it wasn't - and isn't - possible.  I still sometimes fancy that perhaps we'll just find a baby or two that needs us and it'll all magically work out.  Still, I no longer hold hope for any of these dreams of motherhood - high or otherwise.

Yeah, it's been quite a year.  Certainly there have been plenty of sweet, fun, and loving times too, of course, which I cherish.  Yet I find myself anxious to be past this next week of Christmas and back home again, but then I want to nap.  I want to crawl into bed with Ar and nap for a very long time - maybe years.  I don't mean the dead to the world kind of sleep, but the sweet, cozy, warm, cuddly kinda nap where you're a little in and a little out...  During those hazy times, you remember only all that is good and wonderful in life - not the hard stuff.  Hazy times are great that way, all is warm and cuddly and funny.  Once you wake up fully, there's memory and pain and tears.  Oh I am tired of memory and pain and tears.  I wonder if spring will ever come.