Under Our Tree: Of dreams and miracles

I meant to write about this sooner, but I haven't had a chance til now. A few nights ago, I dreamed that we were at some sort of concert or play in an auditorium. We were waiting for the show to start, when a little boy came and sat on my lap. His mom was there, but he wanted to be with me - to sit on MY lap! With me!! I snuggled him in tight and gave him a big kiss on the cheek. He giggled, then turned and asked my name. He told me his name was Han. We snuggled, and I so wanted to keep him - to have him come stay with Ar and me forever. Then just like that, his mom said it was time to go and he left to sit with his dad.

For Pete's sake, don't I get enough heartbreak in my waking life?

Oh, little Han.

All around me wonderful things are happening for wonderful IF friends - and I'm so incredibly thankful and happy for their wonderful news!! We've had twins born, an adoption almost complete, two BFPs, and one who can finally go forward with an IVF. This is all amazing and wonderful!! All life is miraculous, but these seem especially so. This is what we all desperately want and hope for ourselves - AND - each other, so it's amazing. Yet, I'll admit - it's hard to not feel more and more left behind, like miracles are always for other people. I'm the oldest of our merry little band of IF warrior princesses - and the one who seems to have the least options at her disposal, so yeah, it is hard. Without reservation, I want every single one of them to have the happy ending; I just wish I could too.

Silly as it sounds, I've sometimes imagined that we all have kids and we get together every August on the beach somewhere. All our hard-won children could play together, as we watch over them - sipping some umbrella-ed beverages, laughing and catching up on life. It's a beautiful dream, isn't it?

The image of me in that picture has been fading quickly.

In happier news, Ar and my anniversary is this weekend - seven years!! We're leaving in the morning to spend a couple nights in a resort in Wisconsin. We had planned on hanging out on Lake Superior and taking some boat rides. Our wedding day - and every anniversary - has had picture perfect fall weather. Not this year. That's ok, though - we came up with a wonderful Plan B and I'm very excited for it. Mainly, I'm so touched and excited that Ar took this whole weekend off for our anniversary!! I couldn't ask for anything more for our anniversary than that!!! I wish for what we wish for - with all my heart, a little Han all our own.... Yet with all my heart, I also know that I am so incredibly blessed to have this lovely man, who seems to only love me more and more every year - even though I'm still pretty sure that every year I become less and less the woman he married. Not him, though - every year he becomes twice the man!

This love, it too is a miracle - one for which I am so grateful. Ar: my dream come true.

"Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
    is my beloved among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
    and his fruit is sweet to my taste.
Let him lead me to the banquet hall,
    and let his banner over me be love.