Mama never said there'd be days like these

 Actually, theoretically, today wasn't too bad.  I figured out how to make fillable PDF forms at work, after all.  That was exciting!  (I'm not being sarcastic - it was awesome!!)  After work, I had a nice little glass of wine and split a burger w/ a friend.  Then I came home to my Ar, who is so sweet and wonderful, as always.   So, what's to complain about, right?

Nothing really, but all day long I was battling a no-kids-for-me funk.  At one point I felt like I couldn't breathe. But I have to keep smiling, have to keep being cheery and helpful.  Oh - I don't know why it was so hard.  Maybe the Clomid is making me moody - it's certainly a side effect.  Or maybe it's because one colleague is just back from maternity leave this week, and another is just back from paternity leave - so there's a lot of chitter-chatter about the baby this and the baby that.

Then in our management meeting, the one who is back from maternity leave was being asked about being back - and much motherly commiserating ensued.  Who cares that it's totally inappropriate for a work-place meeting - or that it really hurts some of us, right?  Anyhow, my favorite line was from a colleague with a one year old, who said, "Coming back to work after maternity leave was the first time work felt like pure FREEDOM to me. It was great!"

So... ahem, guess who, later in the day, announced she's pregnant again - expecting in April?  

And you wonder why I get so persnickety....  I mean, sheesh, gripe without discretion about your lack of freedom, and just go ahead and get pregnant again without any problems.  Ugh.   Some of us would love to have your problems, lady. 

Well, it's just hard to not feel these constant stings.  I'm so tired of sitting back and watching everyone else living the dream.  But hey - I know to make a fillable form!!  (That really is cool, by the way!!)   

Also, I'm not entirely sure if my new food blog will be a good idea.  It may be, but it may be hard too, if I even keep it up.  Here's the thing: it may seem insignificant, but I always pictured teaching my kids to bake and cook - teaching them my (and my mom's) recipes... and the food of Ar's background.  I'd really - really - enjoy that.  I used to get to teach kids some of these things, back when I worked at camp. I loved it.  I always thought, one day... one day I'll teach my kids. 

So, the food blog may sort of fill that void.  Or it may pour lemon juice in my open wound.   

As with so many things things, I suppose time will tell.  In the meantime, I'm still struggling with figuring out whether or not I'm really real... and if I am, why? 

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Ephesians 2:8-10)