Reason shmeason!

Everything happens for a reason.

Or so I've been told.

In fact if I had a dollar for every time I've heard that, I'd be a very wealthy woman, indeed!

Those of us who struggle with infertility are not the only ones who hear or say this saying, of course. It's a common refrain in times of trouble. It seems to sort of just be the common response to a hardship. It seems to be accepted widely as gospel truth, though I've not seen evidence to support this in scripture. (Though I'm very far from being any kind of Biblical scholar!!)

Anyhow, I suppose some find comfort that somewhere down the line there must be a reason for the hardship.... some grand idea or blessing that will one day be revealed and all will be well!! I'm not saying this in a belittling way - really! We all have different beliefs and ways of coping and I would never (intentionally) belittle someone else for their different thought. It's just that it's never really been a comforting thought for me. And I find that I actually don't believe it's true. I don't think I've ever believed that it's true, but I think that I've just let it pass over me before - sort of accepting it with a passive doubt. More and more lately, I realize just how not true I think it is. It's untruth (in my eyes) seems more important to me lately.

Is there a reason for my infertility? Is there a reason for my brother's MS?Is there a reason that the poor little girl, who is currently all over the news because of today's jury verdict, was killed? Is there a reason one of the little patients - just a baby - I tried to help at my work died... a year after her older sister (2 years old) died of the same disease? Is there a reason my friend L in a fraction of a second swerved to avoid a deer, only to crash into a tree and become paralyzed?

Is there a reason my 52 year old friend R has a now untreatable melanoma and hasn't long to live? He has a wife and three kids. One of the kids has special needs... My friend is by far one of my most favorite people in my entire history. He is true-blue... he's fun and hilarious and encouraging in the most easy-going and genuine way. He's a huge Holy Grail fan and he's a pastor of the church he started 10 years ago. He is so loved.

Honestly, I don't know... I used to struggle with this question about my own situation with infertility - thinking somehow I must have done something really wrong. Or that God knew I'd be a terrible mom and that's why I couldn't have kiddies. Or I hoped that those who say it all happens for a reason were right and that maybe it would all someday be revealed that it really was all for the better.

But I don't think this anymore. While I know there are consequences for our actions and choices, I don't think I deserve or chose my infertility. That little girl certainly didn't deserve to be killed. My friends and brother didn't deserve their life-altering health problems. And I don't think that God made all these things happen to prove a point or to make something else happen down the road.

I do think that through one man sin and death entered the world. I think that all these things are a result of that sin and death. And I don't think there's a reason beyond that.

However, I also believe that we have one amazing God and savior, who strengthens us in all of these troubles and who is our Hope and our Joy even in the very worst of circumstances. And that He works all things for the good of those that love Him (Romans 8:28.)

I believe that through these results of sin and death, we can either grow closer to Him or we can grow bitter and run away.

We can either turn ourselves outward to help others, or inward because we think no one helped us.

With God's help we can either be stronger, better people, or we can become weaker and wither away into complacency or anger.

Maybe it's just semantics, because I do believe that God can and does use our weakness and circumstances to grow us and to help others - and that all of this can ultimately bring glory to Him. I just don't believe that God made these things happen for a specific reason. In any case, it would be of no comfort if it did. It seems a bit of a misguided, or false hope.

So, why did my dad die at just 46 years old? Well, for many years he was a very heavy drinker and though he'd given it up in his last couple years, it had taken its toll. But why did I have to lose my dad when I was only 18? Was there a good reason for that that would someday be a blessing to me? I don't think so - I didn't bring that about.... I seem to miss him more and more the older I get. But I have been able to use my pain to be there for others in their losses. I think it's made me more empathetic, more compassionate. My friend R, who is now dying, was there for me in those years after my dad died. He was such an encouragement. He is a Godly man who in his own fun, easy way always encouraged me to encourage others. To not feel sorry for myself, but to deal with it and then give to others.

I guess what there is a reason for is my rambling on about this... Strangely enough, that reason isn't infertility (though the lesson applies to it). My heart is just broken lately with the news of my friend R's worsened disease. He is not expected to be around much longer. The world is a far better place with him in it. This has been so heavy on my heart. His wife... his kids... I just can't imagine. He's the most vibrant man, full of life... But he is the last one to say that it's not fair or, "why me?" so I won't disgrace him by saying it either.

He wrote, "we're bummed, but not depressed."

"God says His grace is sufficient for me, and yet I do struggle. Pray with me that I would continue to see Grace all around me."

"So how do I cope? And why don’t I ask, “WHY ME” to God at times? It helps that before this illness began that I was convinced of God's incredible, unconditional, sacrificial love for me. How incredible that the God of the universe would send his Son Jesus to die for me, someone who has sinned against Him. Because He has established this relationship with me I have learned to just trust Him."

And so I just hope his final encouragement will really stick with me this time. That I will finally stop asking "why me?" that I will simply trust what I know - not that everything happens for a reason or that God personally controls every single event, despite our own choices and actions - but that God is still good! Always has been, always will be. His Grace is sufficient for me.

My hope cannot be in what might come of this or that, or in my perceived ability to make sense of something. Those hopes seems to just be a shadow of True Hope. My Hope must simply be in Him regardless of circumstances. Regardless of the outcome. These are things I've always known, but they are hard lessons to always truly know in our innermost being, truly live out.


That doesn't mean I won't continue to feel bummed, and I don't need to hide it. But I don't need to keep searching for the reason, when I already know the answer.


“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)