New

Week 2 of Photo 52: new

New, new, new... what is new?  New is the theme of this week's photo challenge.  So what is new?  Initially, three thoughts came to mind - none of which I pursued.  The first was the answer my old friend O always gave when people asked him what's new, "Babies.  Babies are new."  Then he'd usually walk away chuckling, like it was the first time he ever said it... even though it was the umpteenth.  Crazy O!  He had a few other kinda O-isms like that.  For instance, if you asked him what time it is, he'd answer, "10 to."  You'd normally ask, "10 to what?"  His reply, "Tend to your own business!" and then start laughing and expect you to crack up too.  He's a good guy and you can't help but laugh at his dorky little jokes.  There was something about the consistency and delivery of them that just made it all the more lovable.  Anyhow, that was the first thing I thought of, that babies are new, per my friend O.  Hmm, yea.  Nowadays if he said that to me, I'd probably burst out in tears!  Oh well.

The second thought I had was, "There is nothing new under the sun." 

My third, and most promising, thought was, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.  His mercies never come to an end... they are new every morning, new every morning - great is thy faithfulness, Oh Lord, great is thy faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22)

I like the third thought - a lot.  Lamentations 3:22 has long been one of my very favorite verses and songs.  The song has been running through my head quite a bit this week, in fact.  I even liked the idea enough that I strongly contemplated getting up and trying to photograph a sunrise.  Well, let's just say... I am so not a morning person.  If I'd managed to do so, that would have shown quite some commitment. Well, I didn't, but one of these days I'm really going to do it.

Much as I love it, the sunrise picture idea wasn't quite speaking to me in this context. Certainly not because I doubt its truth. I don't.  Even though I often don't feel or see them, I am absolutely convinced that His mercies truly are new every morning. I cling to that, even in my darkest days. It's just that I am looking for this photo challenge to be a growing and stretching journey for me, so I wanted to stretch myself to have a new thought about newness.  That struggle is good, I think.

So as I struggled in my mind with what is new other than the Lord's mercies, the realization kept hitting me that, with the exception of my marriage and friendships, nothing feels new or fresh right now.  Nothing. Everything feels like the same ole same ole, and not the same ole in a comfy cozy way like the getting raggedy heart-patterned jammy pants I'm wearing yet again. 

So I wondered about photographing what I wish were new.  Well, perhaps I should say I wondered about photographing a plan B for what I wish were new, since I don't have the choice to have my plan A, of what I most truly want to be new...  After all, having my actual dream come true is completely out of my control, and extremely unlikely.

Then the more general thought of - dreaming new dreams - came to mind.  As I've been writing about lately, I know I need to try to move forward, to cross that threshold that I don't want to cross. I guess maybe that means I need to try to dream new dreams. I don't have new dreams, but maybe they can grow. I at least need to hope that, though I can't grow and nurture life in the way the great majority of women are so blessed to do, that there can still be growth in me.  I need to trust that I'm not dead yet.

After a particularly heartbreaking year, here's to finding new hope and new dreams - new growth - even amidst such loss. None of it is very clear yet, but if the Reverend Mother says I have to look for my life, look for my life I will!

When I thought about what would represent these new hopes and potential, all I could think of was a little plant... fresh and young and full of potential.  It's not very original, I suppose, and a dear friend even told me it was not a very good idea because plants die - and if the plant represents my new dreams and growth, a dead plant would be pretty depressing.  True enough, but one of the beauties of photography is that the moment it captures lives forever.  A photo, like a song or a scent, can bring you immediately back to a time and a place.... a feeling...  like so few other things can.

Well, I do hope our new plant lasts a long time, but either way, I have this photo to remember that I hope for new hope.  I hope for new dreams.  I hope for new growth.  I hope that unbelievable heartbreak can be redeemed.  

Thing is....  it turns out that hoping for new hopes and dreams is a quite heart-wrenching experience in itself.  To be perfectly honest, I really rather prefer my old hopes and dreams.