Words that break a heart to speak

I mentioned in an earlier post that I had started back on a PCOS medication, which my RE had taken me off of because of the risk of birth defects.  I still had a few weeks worth left, so I've already been taking them again.  I'll soon need a refill though, so I ordered one online, through my pharmacy.  Not surprisingly, my general doctor's office called and left a message for me.  The nurse didn't specify their question, but I knew they would want to know why I was ordering a refill of a med I've been off of for about a year, per my RE's instructions.  Well, I did try to call back, but the hold was long...  as I was on hold I realized I really did not want to speak the words I would need to speak, in order to explain the need for a refill.  I hung up.

Instead, I went through the clinic's electronic messaging system, stating that I'm assuming their question is why I'm ordering this particular refill.  I reminded them that I'd been on it for many years because of a particularly painful (emotionally) and irritating aspect of my PCOS, and that I only went off it because of the IF treatments and risk for birth defects. I explained that in the time I've been off of the drug, my PCOS symptom (which has made me feel ugly and horrid all of my life, by the way!) has noticeably and definitely worsened in the year I've been off it, and since it appears that pregnancy will not ever be in my future, I'd at least prefer to manage my PCOS better again.

I wrote and rewrote the words, trying to find a way to not sound morose and depressed, even though I am both of those.  I couldn't find a way, and hey, it's my doctor anyhow.  She already knows I'm a problem-child, after all, so I just said it.

Still, even to my doctor, it was oddly hard to write.  Hard to talk about my PCOS symptom, which mortifies me even now, and hard to realize that I definitely no longer believe I'll have to worry about birth defects.

To quote a lovely friend, sometimes there is this "weird sense that there are some things so awful that speaking them is a kind of injury."  She's both lovely and true.  There are several aspects of IF that fall into that category: giving up on our dream, involuntary childlessness, and this PCOS symptom all fall into that category.  That they exist hurts.  To speak of them hurts even more. 

Yet I also find myself hoping that perhaps speaking the awful words (or emailing, since the thought of actually speaking them made me feel ill) will take away some of the monster's power.