To blog or not to blog

I don't know why I'm still blogging here.  I'm wondering if it's time to stop?  After all, my IF journey is essentially over - at least the part where I try to beat it is over.  I will take my last dose of Clomid tonight and maybe, just maybe.... but I really don't think so.  We have no ability to continue with any more IF treatment, and the chance of anything happening on our own is essentially nil.  So maybe it's time to move on, stop thinking about it - and stop writing about it.  I don't even know that anyone really reads it, or cares about any of this, anyhow - I could just go holler into a hole in the ground if I need to vent.   I feel so disconnected. 

Maybe I should stop reading IF pages, too - and maybe I should drop out of IF groups.  Maybe I should just try to forget, you know?  (My good memory is a blessing and a curse!)   I guess I'm just wondering if it is all helping or hurting at this point - it has helped, but is it still?  I really don't know - I do know that I feel disconnected and STUCK!!!  Stuck in a really big way. 

I really wish I could quit my job, so Ar and I could travel together working the business.  We could be together, we could increase the business because he wouldn't be tied down by me - since I'd be with him....  We could escape these cold winters that I'm not sure I can deal with anymore.  We could be free!!

After all, how many times have I been told how lucky I am to be childless... If I had a dollar for every time I heard something like that, I could probably fund a few IVFs and maybe have a kid...  A dollar for every time I've heard of the trials and tribulations of parenting - it's just so horrible, apparently.  Contrast that to us lucky childless couples, who can sleep all day long, travel the world, be irresponsible - and who have money to burn.  Ooowee - yes, indeedy - I feel so incredibly lucky!!!  I'm feeling so good, I think I'll even go throw a few more stacks of hundred dollar bills into my solid gold fireplace, and then wash my hair in champagne and let it dry by my cash fire, while my servants feed me bon-bons.  Yep, life is good!!

Despite my dripping sarcasm, I do still believe life is good.  It's a gift that I'm so grateful for, despite how far from hoped for this journey has taken us. Childlessness will never have been my choice, but I do have to choose...  choose to keep living.   I just have to somehow get unstuck from this crushing and bitter black hole - that's all.  That shouldn't be too hard, right?

So... anyone want to give me a shove?