I wonder what it's like

That's all, really - I just wonder what on earth it's like.  What's it like to get there?  To experience even a moment of the joy and happiness, even if nervousness and fear accompanies it, let alone a lifetime of it?  What's that like?  What's it like to be excited for the future again?  What's it like to actually realize the very thing that you've hoped, prayed, and worked toward for so very long?   Funny that I no longer even wonder what it's like for it to just, you know, happen.  Like, oh - we had sex, now we're pregnant - I've stopped wondering about that a long time ago.  That seems like the stuff of urban legend.  Now I just wonder what it would be like for all this heartbreak to feel worth it.

These are just some random thoughts I started experiencing today, but I don't have the energy to expound on any of them.

I should have AF any day now, but I don't have any hope that being on the late-ish side is a good sign.  With my cycle being how it is, I'm not actually late yet, it's just that I've sometimes been earlier. 

Everything holiday related makes me want to hide.  I wish I could hibernate until spring.  I wonder what it's like to know the excitement and fun and happiness of the holidays again.

Somewhere in here, I have to make the choice to be happy with it all anyhow, but I'm tired of having to make that choice.  I'm tired of this black cloud and of X always equaling IF.  I'm tired of all the things it steals.  I'm tired of resilience.  I think I'm just going to hibernate for a long time.