I am the other

Today was another very hard day, quite frankly.  Some days I feel like I work in a daycare, though really I work in a professional non-profit health organization, with a life-saving mission.  Yadda, yadda, yadda... 

It feels like a day care.  The office is about 80% first time moms and moms of the under 10 set, 15% empty nesters/active grandparents, and 5% other.  I'm an other, of course.   So, 95% of the office just LOVES all things baby and toddler.  Of the 5% other, several are young unmarrieds, who also love the baby and toddler life, because they know they'll be moms someday.

Then there's me.

Now, I don't want to sound like a total jerk, but honestly, I don't want your kid to come trick or treating cube to cube in the office.  I also don't want to see pictures, the next day, of the cube trick or treating event that I didn't want to participate in, in the first place.  Additionally, I don't want to have to listen to the chatter about it for two days, either.  Unlike you, I don't think it was a fun event. It wasn't a fun little something different.  Truly, I don't appreciate having to deal with these things in the work place, where I have to remain professional.  (My non-professional self cries a lot, you see.)  Apparently it's okay for the moms to be unprofessional though. 

And by the way, this is not, let me repeat - NOT - a department full of mommies.  It is NOT.  Granted, perhaps it's 95% mommies... but that's not full, because I count.  Maybe not to you, but I do count, so do not say it to me, or right in front of me, that it's a department full of mommies.  It causes me to be inches away from unrestrained violence and/or uncontrollable sobbing.  Who knows which one will come out at any given unprofessional moment, but neither is acceptable, so do me a favor and just stop.  STOP!!  Okay.  This is a professional workplace.  Yes, we are real and whole people who have outside lives, but there are limits - and the mommies are constantly crossing them.  The infertiles, we cannot.  Sadness in the workplace is not acceptable.  Insensitivity (unwitting, of course) is perfectly acceptable, but sadness resulting from that insensitivity is not.

So just stop, already.

These are the things I wish I could say.

With more holidays approaching, I know it will only worsen.

Yes, it was another hard day and I am very tired.

Now, in what will seem like a drastic change of subject, but it's less so than you will think, this weekend is Ar's daughter's birthday, so we went out to celebrate tonight.  She chose one of her favorite places, which I introduced her to a few years back, because it just happens to be one of my favorite places.  It's called Moscow on the Hill, and it is amazingly delicious!!

Babushka stew = yum, yum!!  Just one of many delectables at Moscow on the Hill.

Moscow on the Hill is just a wonderful place to eat - it's beautiful and intimate.  It always reminds me of my time in Siberia, but even aside from that, it's DELICIOUS!!!  I've never had anything here that wasn't just delectable!!  It was a fun evening with Ar and his daughter!

This restaurant is also located in a lovely part of town, just down the street from the St. Paul Cathedral (and just a bit further down is the MN state Capitol.)  Ar kindly drove me down toward the Cathedral to take some pictures.  I only had my smartphone, so I couldn't get a great picture, but I did want a shot because the Cathedral building is so special to me.  I've never attended church there, mind you, but worship never has been limited to a building, has it?

See, back in my early days in MN, I used to drive past the Cathedral daily, on my way to work.  Plus, back then, I used to go to a lovely church down that way, so I'd pass it every Sunday, also.

I always loved driving past it - even though I was on the highway traveling 55/60 miles per hour.  Seeing the cross raised up so high every morning always thrilled my soul.  It was a beautiful reminder of my Savior - and that I was covered by grace, free!  A child of God!  Though truly beautiful in itself, such classic church architecture is really designed to draw thoughts and hearts to our great God.  This Cathedral does just that.  Seeing that steeple, with cross atop pointing up toward Heaven every morning... Mmm.  It surely does its job - it always reminded me of who I am, because of who He is.   

Needless to say, it was always a wonderful way to start my day, a wonderful way to reflect and remember.   It's been many years since I frequented that route.  I don't miss the commute, but I do miss those times of quiet reflection and prayer.

One of my most poignant memories about those mornings are actually from the days I couldn't see the steeple at all...  The days I couldn't see the cross.  I hated those days.

I remember the first time I couldn't see it... the morning was so foggy, so I should have had my eyes only on the road ahead, but my eyes searched for the cross - as they always did.  They searched and searched, but it was no where to be found.  I remember so well the despair I actually felt at not seeing the cross that morning.  The morning felt empty, so wrong.

As I drove past where I knew the cross should be, as disappointment and loss washed over me, suddenly there was a whisper in the ear of my ear: "Remember, HJ, remember... even if you can't see it, it's still there. It's still there, just like I'm still here - whether you see me or not." 

I hope to never forget that voice, those words.

My smartphone cam doesn't do it justice, but still... Remember, HJ, He is still here, whether I see Him or not.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)

But honestly, I'm so afraid, terrified, and just plain...  put-out.