I work full-time in a non-profit health organization. I get to help people and I really, really like that. My roots are actually as a cook/baker, though, and I still miss that. For many years I worked a chief cook at a Christian camp. Camp is amazing!! I still love to experiment in the kitchen; I love making good - real - food for the people I love. I am blessed with so many good people to love!
As for dear Ar, he has two adult daughters from his first marriage. He owns a small business, which takes him away on weekends a lot - I hate that part, but I'm so proud of him!! He's always trying to reach just a little bit higher. He always hopes and always perseveres, and always loves. He is simply wonderful!! It sometimes makes me feel guilty for wanting more because I know how blessed I am, but how can I help how much I want the pitter patter of little Ars?
All lives have their difficulties, of course, but in my life I've generally been more happy than sad. I always sort of thought laughter was the best medicine - until I met IF, that is.
My infertility journey:
- Diagnosed with PCOS in 1998
- Met Ar at the end of 1999; first date in February 2000; got married in October 2005 - best day EVER!!!
- Start "trying" in March 2006; no luck
- See primary doc in February 2007, get referral to specialist
- Start seeing OB/GYN at infertility clinic in May 2007
- Go through standard battery of tests - everything checks out A-OK
- Plan is for monitored Clomid for up to three months, and move on to IUI if needed
- First round of Clomid in August 2007 was not successful
- Tried to get my next round of Clomid, but am told I have to see the doc first, who is on vacation
- October 2007, finally get appt with the doc, who tells me I weigh too much so she can't treat me
- I asked why she didn't tell me that back in May, when I asked her if my weight was ok, and she'd assured me that it was completely fine.
- She told me that she disagrees with her clinic colleagues and thinks my weight is not a problem, but that they are insistent she stop treating me
- I went to the parking lot and sat in my car weeping. I called Ar and very ashamedly tell him I'm too fat to get treatment anymore. He wanted to go to the clinic and raise heck, but I convinced him not to. It wouldn't help. I was so ashamed.
- I cried all the way to work. Ar surprised me by meeting me in the parking lot. I love him so much for that. He loves me and thinks I'm beautiful - nothing has changed there, but I felt more broken and defective than ever.
- I don't do anything for a few months; I suppose it's fair to say I'm a bit depressed
- Not knowing what else to do, in late 2007, Ar and I both start taking FertilAid supplements
- In late spring of 2008, I started doing twice weekly acupuncture and drinking raw herbs (aka "sludge")
- My cycle became normal for the first time in my life.
- In April 2009, I got a referral to an RE.
- I start seeing RE - neither he nor the clinic have any issue with my weight
- He does all the tests over again; everything still looked really good; I start on Clomid
- We can no longer afford the twice weekly acupuncture and herbs, along with the fertility treatments, so I painfully "break up with" my acupuncture doctor, who is wonderful!
- August 2009 was my first IUI; I had two more. All unsuccessful:
- First time, Ar's counts were great, but we got the timing a bit wrong
- The next month, Ar's counts were pretty low, but I responded pretty well
- The last month both Ar and I were rock stars, but it still didn't happen
- Met with RE; I wasn't feeling ready for IVF so we agreed to start injections and more IUI
- I started to freak out at the thought of injections; I just needed a break from the intensity.
- So instead of starting again in January of 2010, we took a break. A couple months turned into a year. I still wanted it all so much, but I just couldn't go back into the craziness yet. I felt broken.
- My cycle continued to be ridiculously predictable and I was ovulating every month, but nothing
- I worked on my health and weight loss, and we kept trying naturally
- Starting in August of 2010, I began having panic attacks - often
- I started to stress eat - a lot, which was very unusual for me
- Between August 2010 and the time I started this blog in March 2011, I gained 45 pounds - 45 pounds
- Now I really was beyond weight limits - at least for IVF. I felt sick about myself
- In April 2011, I talked to my primary doctor about the panic and shortly after started taking meds for it. I really resisted meds, but decided it was the right thing for me. I also started seeing a therapist.
- I started to feel like myself again.
- January 2012 - 1st cycle back in the world of IUI - this time with injectibles.
- Still waiting
- July 2012 - final BFN of treatment. We're out of money to pursue further treatment.
Hi There...I hope you don't mind that I followed the link to your blog off of mine. I understand a lot of what you're going through (although we have a few differences as well).
ReplyDeletePrimarily, I understand the depression that
those dang doctors bring on. I spent my 5 year anniversary in a doctor's office being told I was too fat as well. We were supposed to go out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary after the appointment...instead I went home and cried in my bed all night. It's hard, I understand. I hope it gets better for you. Writing a blog has made it a lot better for me! Good luck in everything :)
Hello Heather! Thanks so much for stopping in!! :-) I'll pop back into your blog sometimes, too! It's good to hear other people's stories. I wish you the best of luck, as well!
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