Until then, I wonder if I'll ever stop wondering why.
Why do most get the joy of creating a family bigger than two, of which I am denied? I see these families everywhere, at all stages, and I always wonder why... not why them, but why not us too? Why don't we also get that joy?
When I wrote last time about how it was so bittersweet seeing Ar so wonderfully with my nephew... why not us too?
When my nephew was born (30 years and 2 days after me), I dreamed that it wouldn't be too long before Ar and I would marry and have our own. Back then, even with my PCOS, I still believed it would happen. How wonderful to raise kids right behind my brother, I thought... cousins! I had this dream that we'd all meet up in the Wisconsin Dells every year in the winter for indoor water park fun, and our usual north woods trip in the summer. Such fun we'd have. We were never close with our own cousins, but I very much believe that if we'd had kids, they'd be close to my beloved niblings.
I still struggle with the notions of "what did I do wrong to deserve this?" Intellectually, I reject that notion; emotionally... well, that's a different matter.
Why, and will I ever stop asking why?
And... why do I get to live and walk and see and feel and work? Why do I get to have a family of two, with such an amazing husband? Why is my life filled with more love than I could ever possibly deserve? Why do I get to live in relative safety, freedom, and comfort? Why am I never hungry for longer than... a blink of an eye? Why me - and why not others?
Why, indeed.
We are living in a beautiful, but fallen, world, to be sure. Are there answers beyond that, or is there only faith, hope, and perseverance?
Oh Lord, I just don't know. Please help me always be more grateful for what I have, than devastated for what I have not.
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